LIfe in a Way
by Dissertation Procrastinator
Summary: Grissom shows up in vegas, but he did not tell anyone including his ex-wife. Will they work things out or is it time move on? First attempt at a fic. Inspired by One Less Reason song (LIfe in a Way). Music big part of everything I do so will feature in each chapter. Be kind writers block only seems to apply to dissertation.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Another Lonely Day **

"What's up doc?"

"Are you ever going to tire of that?" Gil stopped being annoyed a long time ago by the statement or the student who would randomly stick her head in his office door. Now he just laughs whenever his TA walks into his office and ask him the question.

"Maybe. After the Monster wears off." She smiled knowing that the older man before her never really minded her weird ways. He was one of the few faculty she respected.

"How many today?" Gil finally looked up from his computer screen worried about the young woman before him. She reminded him of someone who his heart ached for everyday. An insomniac who was devoted to her craft, so much that everything could be forgotten as long as there was an answer to be found. But he was not going there today, not today.

"Just the one. " The smile faded from her face she expected a lecture soon.

"How many coffees?" Gil asked, he worried about the woman. He had easily slipped into a mentor position for her. It just happened, it was not planned. He studied bugs and stuff, as she called it, and she was a sociologist at heart.

"One as well. Jeez you are old enough to be my grandpa, doesn't mean you can act like it"

"You know most faculty would have already complained to the Chair of the department and had you fired for the way you talk to me." Gil said with a smile on his face. He enjoyed these moments in the day. It was always entertaining to see what Jade would do. It broke the monotony of writing manuscripts for publication or lectures or whatever mundane boring task that took him away from his research.

"But you never will because you respect me and know it's all meant in respect."

She had him there. When he interviewed for a tenure track postion at the unieristy Jade had been the student who was forced to take him on a tour of the campus and make sure he got where he needed to be during the interview process. Her first words to him were, "sorry they really should have gotten someone who was good with humans." He remembered it because it was so strange to hear someone that young make a statement like that.

"Do you have a reason to bother me? Or are you just wasting time?"

"Want to take a break and go grab coffee? I'm avoiding Voldermort he has another statistical question. It will turn into an all day thing and I'll never get any work done."

"Could you at least call him by his name and show some respect?" Voldermort was a professor in the department that had nearly ended Jade's graduate work because she had once refused to work with him on a project. Jade was a great statistician and sociologist. A talent rare among graduate students of her level. She knew more about statistics than most of the faculty in the office, there were a few who knew that and used her because they could. Voldermort, as Jade called him, complained to the Director of Graduate Study (Gil at the time) about her refusing to work with him on a project. Being Jade, she did not do it in a very politic way. Gil smiled at the memory of the email he had read, "I'll work with you when pigs fly out of my ass and colonize the moon".

"Nope. A wise man once told me 'Always treat people as ends in themselves, never as means to an end.' And I should never respect someone who treats people as a means to an end. For Voldermort I am just a means to an end."

He smiled, so she was listening to him when he lectured her on Kant and his work about the scientific process. It was hard to tell sometimes she just seemed to zone out while he talked. He once heard her joking with one of the other graduate students about Mr. Tree, the name of the tree that sat behind his head in his office. Mr. Tree was the fictional character graduate students talked to in their head when he would drone on about something they did not care about.

"Lets go get coffee and you can update me on your progress."

"On what?" She asked as if she would not go get coffee if she did not like the answer. He knew better she was a caffeine junkie.

"Dissertation, grading, teaching, your guess presentation? Pick one."

"How about none of the above"

"Cost for avoiding Dr. Brant is a progress report. The Chair has been asking me about your work and I can only lie so long"

"Fine. How about grading, if you are going to make me suffer than I can make you suffer with me. That exam you gave them will likely have a few of the undergrads in my office crying or trying to seduce me".

"That bad?" He asked. This year the undergraduates did not seem to care. It was hard to get them to think about forensic science instead of drinking and the party they went to the night before. There were a few good ones, but mostly they seemed to only show up because he took attendance and it counted as part of their final grade.

"Yeap." She answered. "I held extended office hours too that week. They never showed up."

Shaking his head he got up and grabbed the coat off the back of his chair, "How about you talk about your guest presentation at UNLV (University of Nevada Las Vegas) and your dissertation?"

"Fine. Let's go." She turned and walked out of his office.

They often went to grab coffee in the afternoons. He had long learned to relax around the eclectic graduate student. No one wanted to be his TA, he knew because he was the graduate director and every single graduate student put his class at dead last as part of their preference for being a teaching assistant. Jade had been quietly asked by the Chair, she was the best graduate student in the department she had the awards and CV to prove it. Grissom would agree with the statements, even if Jade told him he was full of shit. She showed him how to get through the departmental tape. She also could get away with almost anything as far as the secretaries were concerned. Jade spent time cultivating a relationship with each of the older ladies. She was one of the only graduate students who had got to know the secretaries.

She had saved him more than once too. He had a habit of leaving his keys in his office and the door was one that stayed lock. He lost count the number of times he walked down to the graduate offices and Jade was the only student there, music blaring at an ungodly level, much like Greg use to do, almost the same music taste. She had called building services for him each time and talked to him for the time it took to get them there and let him into his office. Then there was the one time on a stormy evening, he was supposed to be across town at a party for the President of the university. He was in his suit, umbrella in hand, and his car had a flat tire. There was no way in the muddy environment he could have changed the tire and not got mud all over his suit. Jade was walking back to the office, and she saw him. She happily helped him change the tire on his car. Almost yelling at him when he tried to help her.

The walk to the coffee shop across campus was quiet. It was a comfortable silence between the two. The other graduate students and some of the faculty were worried about the two and how close the professor and student were. The graduate students often joked, and he knew it bothered Jade, that she was Grissom Jr or Grissom was her long last father. He caught one graduate student making such a statement and he spent a good half hour lecturing the student about what they had said.

Halfway to the coffee shop Grissom decided to break the silence, "Which first your guest presentation or dissertation?"

"Dissertation is going well. I just finished writing the introduction. I am working on the grant proposal, but is so hard because it's boring. I have the surveys all cleaned, just missing data."

Grissom zoned out after that, she launched off into discussing the statistical analyses she was going to do. It always led to rants about data not being Gaussian or approximately Gaussian, and Greek letters he was not even sure what they meant anymore. He trusted her to do the correct statistical analyses and to know what she was doing.

"That's good. I can tell the Department Chair we had our update meeting and give him some information" Grissom said when she finished. He ordered their coffees, he always paid. "One Grande coffee, and one Grande Triple Shot Lattee".

While they waited for the coffee's Jade ask, "Do I really have to do the guest presentation? Aren't you supposed to be doing it?"

"I am giving one too. It is good practice for you."

"But I thought only faculty did that. Remember Jade still graduate student."

"You are on the job market next year, so yes you should do it and need to do it."

"Fine." She hated talking in front of a large group of people. Especially about her own research. She once told him that research was her life. She had asked her self multiple times what else could she do with her life, if the academic thing did not work out. Her answer had been the same, nothing.

"I will be there to step in if they get too rowdy." He knew she feared the talk also because she was taking on one of the faculty at UNLV's theories. "But I doubt they will."

"Whatever." She said drinking her coffee and rolling her eyes. "Were you able to get me that tour of the forensic lab? I have some questions about the Bureau of Justice Statistics survey. I figured I could bother whoever gave me the tour to get their opinion."

"Not yet. I will." Grissom did not want to have to go to his old place of work. It was likely at least one of his team would be around. His team, he wanted to laugh, not anymore, not since…not going there.

"come on old man. It was the only reason I agreed."

"Yeah but you don't care about that forensic stuff." He said mocking her, as she had said it more than once to him.

"I know but the survey sucks, and if I can do anything it is to make it die a quick painful death. What it'll help you! You complained about it. If I can get enough information on why it sucks Karen said she'd pass it onto the right folks at BJS."

"Yeah I know." He had brought the survey to Jades attention. When he had he never expected her to actually download the data and generate an entire project on how poor the survey is. He knew why, she was trying to give something back to him for all the help he provided.

"When do we leave?" She asked wondering about when they were catching the bus to the airport.

"5 am tomorrow."

"Ouch. Well Ouch if I actually planned on sleeping." She laughed.

"Try to get some sleep. I don't want to drag you around." He said feeling that fatherly instinct he had never expected to have. Something about the girl just made him want to hug her and treat her like the long lost daughter he never had. He blamed it on her being his kindred spirit and the fact she was a lot like..not going there either.

"Shit." She slowed her paced and moved behind him.

He looked around to see what she was hiding from, he finally saw the culprit. "Hello Mike." Grissom said using his colleagues first name.

"Hello Gilbert and Jade" Voldermort said looking at Jade walking behind Grissom, "I have been looking for you Jade. I had some questions."

Grissom frowned. He truly despised Mike, he reminded him too much of Eckile, but professionals do not tell graduate students they too hate the same person the student hates. "My fault. I have been working with Jade all day today. She has a presentation in a few days and I wanted to make sure she was ready. She also has been helping me with some statistics."

"Really?" Mike said clearly not believing the last part. Grissom rarely needed help with the statistics, it was often not a major part of his research.

"Yeah. We decided to move forward on that grant proposal to do a survey of the major crime labs in the US."

"Good to hear. I guess I'll just have to talk to you when you get back Jade."

"Yeah sorry." Jade said trying not to smile.

As soon as Mike/Voldermort was out of earshot Jade asked, "Can we go home and work now?"

"Sure. I bet you still have to pack."

"you know me too well Doc."

"Meet me at the car park in 20?"

"Sure." Jade said breaking off to walk down to her side of the hallway as she called it.

Jade had moved into the apartment over Grissom garage the past summer. He noticed that she had been noticeably absent from the department during the Spring semester, and her work had slipped some. Even Jades' worst work was better than most of the graduate students work, but she was not working to her full potential and that had worried him. It took him tracking her down and cornering her to get her to tell him why she suddenly stopped coming into the office and was behind on everything. It was than that he learned a lot about the crazy graduate student who had been his TA for the past 2 years. She explained to him that she was working two additional jobs to help her mother out. Her mother was an addict, and her older brother was not much better. She would have left them both to their own fate if it had not been for her nephew. He did not deserve to grow up like she did. So she was working to help take care of her nephew. Because of her mother and brother it required more money then she made as a TA. She was one month away from losing her apartment, and she was likely going to quit university to take the position she was offered as a Target Team Leader. Grissom did not want that to happen, he offered to help her, but she refused his money. She did not take hand out she spat at him, her anger showing at how unfair it was she was giving up her life to take care of those who cared less.

After a night of wondering how he could help the stubborn graduate student he found the answer. The next morning he emailed her asking for a meeting in his office. He spoke with the chair of the department to make sure everything he had decided to do would be possible. He told her he needed help taking care of his dog while he was on sabbatical or traveling to give presentations. He wanted to know if she was willing to move into the apartment over his garage? He had used it as an office he never actually worked in. Of course he would have to charge her, like 100 dollars month? Also, he had gotten permission from the Chair of the department to hire her as his research assistant as well as his TA. What that meant was she would do research, the department would pay her out of his grant money and proceeds from the textbook he wrote. She also would help him when he took over as an editor of a journal. She would be his graduate assistant and get paid for that as well. He was sure it was more than she was making now working the multiple jobs. He could not forget the tears he saw in her hazel eyes. The tears she refused to let fall. She had refused at first. But he explained to her this was not a handout. He really needed the help and she was the most qualified. The Chair had agreed. The Chair had almost lost it when he found out the student who had previously won all of the awards the department had to offer wanted to leave. It would look bad if they lost her. She was one of the shining stars in the program, she would end somewhere good.

The rest was history. She accepted the positions and took to Hank. Hank spent more time with jade then he did Grissom it seemed.

Grissom smiled as he watched her enter her office. So much for the tin man he thought as he walked back to his own office to pack.

A little while later in Las Vegas…

**Wish there was something I could say or do**

**I can resist anything but the temptation from you**

**But I'd rather walk alone**

**Than chase you around**

**I'd rather fall myself then let you drag me own down**

**It wouldn't have worked out anyway**

**And now it's just another lonely day **

Sara turned down her iPod as she walked into the dark office. She had been an adjunct at the University for a couple of years now. They jumped at the chance to hire her to teach a couple of the undergraduate courses on Forensic Science. Every since the stupid TV show came on TV everyone wanted to be a CSI. It paid, and Sara got to deal with a few bright students each semester who would likely be good CSI's. It was her way of giving back, and it was a nice break from the daily crime scene. Tonight she was picking up the exams she would be giving the following morning. The mailbox room was of course dark, few were at the office at 1 am. Lunch break for Sara.

She was depressed, today of all days was not a good day. It was their anniversary. It was this day years ago that he had finally listened to his heart and agreed to date her. Sometimes she wondered if it would have been better he had not. It hurt, he was gone. She could not completely blame him, both parties were at fault, but today of all days it hurt.

On top of the exams was a tan flyer. The department tried to keep her involved, they wanted her to be a full time lecturer. She could not be a professor because she never got her PhD, and her work experience made up for her lack of masters degree. The picture on the flyer took her breath away. Not today of all days. He was coming to town, she checked the date, in two days, to give a talk. Had he called anyone at the lab? Probably not, someone would have told her, warned her, right?

He was bringing someone else with him, a small little snip on Jade Smith. Whoever that was, would also be giving a guest lecture on global crime trends. She groaned out loud, when she remembered she had promised the chair she would attend the next lecture. She had not really been listening to her when she was rambling about the lecture coming. She had not mentioned the name, but said it was another forensics person, and Sara would be great to have there to ask informed questions. They wanted to recruit him to come work at UNLV as they were building their Forensic program. Sara should have known better. Damn it.

While she did dread having to see him again, she was also curious. She wondered if he looked better? Last time she saw him, when he came to collect his stuff, he looked warn out. Haggard. Who was this Jade person coming with him? A colleague? A lover? She laughed at the idea, Gil with a lover, probably not especially if she was a colleague.

She turned her iPod up again as she walked out of the office. A dark cloud was coming over her. Today of all days she had to think about him. She swore she would not. He choose to protect himself, to push her away complete to protect himself. It hurt, still hurt too much. No she wouldn't think about it. Maybe she would call that neighbor who asked her out. How bad could it be.

**Yesterday seems like a life ago**

**Cause the one I loved today I hardly know**

**You I held so close my heart wounded**

**Go further from me with every falling tear**

**It wouldn't have worked out anyway **

**So now it's just another lonely day **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: First thanks for the reviews. **

**Promise things will eventually pick up. Sorry if folks are out of character they are coming out the way they are in my head these days. **

**Maybe more tonight if I do not have to skype with co-authors on my RL work. **

**Chapter 2: What hurts the most?**

The trip to Vegas was long. True to her word Jade had not slept the night before. Grissom had more than once to ask for patience from some unknown being. Jade was a great student, extremely ADD at times, and the lack of sleep plus the excitement had her acting like a never ending ball of energy. He missed having that energy level, god he felt old. He had not slept either, but for very different reasons. He could not stop thinking about …not going there. He rubbed his eyes to stave off the headache that threatened to come. He hated traveling.

He looked over at Jade, sitting next to him in the black town car. She had her headphones jammed into hear ears. She played the music at the highest level, always. He warned her about her hearing and she laughed him off. Jade knew about his mom being deaf but did not know about Grissom's troubles with the similar defect. He could hear the music. It did not sound horrible, but he would never tell her that. She had tried to show him how great music was, but he was not that guy. Gil closed his eyes, wishing the headache away. The music was calming…the lull of the traffic jam and the soft notes emitted from the young woman's headphones shifted his state of consciousness into one of sleep.

"Doc, wake up" Jade called to him. She had a thing about touching people or being touched. She called one more time, "Doc wake up we are here."

Gil heard her the second time and slowly opened his eyes, looking confused for a second. Where was he?

"You fell asleep." Jade offered to his confused face. "We are at the hotel now."

Gil put a fake smile on his face, "Sorry." He got out of the town car and grabbed his bag. He offered to take Jade's but she glared at him. She was stubbornly independent, just like…not going there.

"How long since you've been back?" Jade asked. It was an innocent question. She knew little of his life outside of his career.

"It has been awhile." Gil answered dodging the question.

Once inside they walked up to the reception desk and checked in. They were lucky, rooms next to each other. "How about we freshen up and than we go out a grab a bite to eat? I know a good diner you will love?"

"Sure. You know me and diners." Jade sad with a smile on her face.

Gil laughed, a real laugh, "You only drag me to one every conference."

"What can I say there are the fancy pants restaurant people,"

Gil added, "Like me"

"Yes. And there are diner people. I'm a diner person."

"How do you know I'm a fancy pants restaurant person?" Gil asked feeling like an idiot saying fancy pants restaurant, but Jade had a way of making him come down a level or two.

"You just look like it. Doc random quotes."

"Says random movie and music girl."

"You' feeling ok?"

"Why?" Gil asked worried she would see he had a headache starting.

"You have not spouted off some random quote in awhile?"

"Last time I tried, someone stuck their fingers in their ears and started to say 'I'm not listening to you'"

Jade laughed and asked, "Who was that?"

"I do not know." Gil smiled his headache was weakening. "Go get ready."

"Yes Sir Doc Sir."

Gil shook his head as he closed the door to his hotel room. He needed a shower and a change of clothes. He quickly unpacked the items in his carry on. Looking at the pill bottles, he wondered if he should take one of the sleeping pills and slip it in Jade's drink. The girl needed to sleep tonight, but he was sure she was too nervous to sleep. Shaking his head, he knew he would never do that to anyone. But it was an idea.

Looking out his window he saw the strip he had walked down a few hundred times in his life. The hotel across the street had once been the scene of a murder-suicide. He had worked it with Catharine, who had been shocked to find out the husband killed his wife after losing all of their money at the table, and than jumped off the building and killed himself.

The memories this town held. Sometimes he missed it, but most days he knew he made a good decision when he left the job. He would always miss…not going there.

The water was warm; he felt the tension leaving his body. It would be ok. It was highly unlikely in a town this size he would run into anyone he knew. For the lab visit he could let Jade go by herself, just to be safe. She wouldn't mind. She would probably make a joke about not needing a babysitter.

Getting out of the shower, he quickly toweled off and found the jeans and shirt he left out to wear. Quickly dressing he sat down on the bed and closed his eyes for a minute, must have been longer because the next thing he knew there was a knock on the door.

"Come on Doc I'm starving. You need to feed me before midnight or I'll turn into a gremlin." Jade's voice called through the door.

"Ok ok." Gil said, getting that movie reference. Once he opened the door he saw Jade, "That is what you are wearing?"

She had on a t-shirt that any math geek would realize was saying shit got real. "Why yes Doc this is what I am wearing. I am making up for the monkey outfit you are forcing me to wear tomorrow."

"You cannot present in jeans and a t-shirt." Gil said feeling his headache come back. Sometimes Jade was a bit too much.

"Says you." Jade said knowing that she was likely getting on his nerves. "You know a person much wiser than you once told me that you could do whatever the hell you wanted if you were good enough. I mean he gave his address to the entire field wearing torn jeans, and a Grateful Dead t-shirt"

"Well when you get as famous as he is, than you can wear whatever you want to present"

Rolling her eyes Jade grumbled, "Let's go. Food time. "

They got in the taxi the doorman called for them. In the taxi music started to play, Gil knew it as Jade's cellphone. Gil tried to remember the singers name. It was not the band who made the song famous. Jade hated them, she ranted about it once when someone accused her of liking that group. It was a singer of a band Jade loved. Staind that was the group, and the signer was Aaron Lewis. The only man Jade said she would willingly marry.

**What hurts the most  
****Is being so close  
****Having so much to say  
****Watching you walk away  
****And never knowing  
****What could have been?  
****Not seeing that loving you  
****Was what I was trying to do**

"Sorry do you mind?" She asked not wanting to be rude. Gil was one of the few lucky people she cared to show respect to.

"No go ahead. I need to check my email anyways." Gil said pulling out his own phone, trying to give her some form of privacy.

"Hey Jamie." Jade said, the smile on her face was clear in her voice.

Gil frowned, hoping Jade thought it was an email and not that he knew she was talking to her Ex. Gil only meant the man once and he did not like him. Jamie was around 44 and Jade was only 29. The age was the main problem Gil had with the man, that would make Gil a hypocrite. No it was Jamie himself. Jamie was a manchild, who may be devoted to Jade, but he was not right for her. Jamie was an undereducated truck driver who would only drag Jade down. Gil was sure Jamie had on more than one occasion pressured Jade to give up her dream because people like her did not get PhD's they did not go to graduate school.

"Yeah we are in Vegas now. Doc is taking me to a diner." Jade's smile faded.

Gil wish he could hear the other side of the conversation. He knew one reason Jamie was the ex- was because of Jade's devotion to her work, and he suspected her relationship with Gil was one that upset Jamie.

"Ok." Jade said trying to keep her anger at bay. "I'll call you when we get done eating. "

Gil continued to look through his emails, it was nothing but junk. Journal request he write a manuscript for their special issue, undergraduates who had questions about the exam, parents of the undergraduates wanting to know why little Johnny was failing the class.

"Anything good Doc?" Jade ask hanging up the phone without saying goodbye to Jamie,

"nope not really." Gil answer pocketing his phone a few seconds later. "Did you tell your mother about the trip?"

"Fuck no." Jade answered. "So what else are we doing while we are here?"

"We are having dinner and then going back to the hotel to get some rest."

"Come on Doc. You may have spent years here in Vegas, but this is my first time being sober enough to remember and I want to do something."

Gil looked at her, how could she still have so much energy. "Maybe we can do something later."

* * *

"Hey lets go get breakfast." Greg asked Nick bouncing around excited about something.

"Ok. If you calm down." Nick said laughing at his hyper friend. "How much coffee have you had."

"Not enough. Someone has been getting into my stash again."

Nick ignored the young CSI's statement. It was more likely Greg was drinking it and forgetting about how much coffee he actually consumed. Nick saw Sara walk in with one of the swing shift CSI's that was filling in, "Sara want to go grab some breakfast?"

Sara frowned, "Can't. I need to finish processing this evidence, and than I am going home to sleep."

"Rain check?" Greg asked he liked Sara, but he knew he never had a chance with her.

"Of course my dear." Sara said smiling.

"Dudes breakfast." Greg said walking towards the doors.

Nick followed behind, "I'm driving. You have had too much coffee my friend."

"Let's go onwards and forwards." Greg called back.

Sara laughed as she watched the two walk out of the lab. It was likely going to be a long morning. She still had evidence to catalogue and go through. There was a rush on everything because it was the second tourist this week to meet an untimely end. All signs indicated it was another robbery gone wrong, but something was a bit off. Sara had not yet figured out what made her think twice about what seemed the obvious answer. There was just something there.

The new DNA technician had the radio playing, it was that country song that played constantly. Sara rolled her eyes, she hated the song it reminded her of Grissom and today was not the day. She was dreading having to see him again. Maybe she could hide in the back. Maybe they would not invite her to have dinner with him or lunch or whatever. Maybe the god she didn't believe in would take pity on her this once.

**It's still harder getting up  
****Getting dressed  
****Living with this regret  
****But I know if I could it over  
****I would change ****every way  
****all the words I say in my heart  
****That I have left unspoken**

"How are you today Laura?" Sara asked trying to make small talk with the lab tech.

Laura looked up from her work, "You are bringing me more work?"

"Sorry." Sara said forcing a smile. "No rush. I am going to be here awhile anyways."

"Thanks Sara." Laura said truly appreciative.

"See you later." Sara said dropping the evidence and leaving to go finish her work so she could go home. She was bone tired.

Catharine stopped her in the hallway, "Hey Sara."

"Hey Catherine how is the case coming?"

"Good. Have you seen Nick and Greg?"

"They finished their case and went out to breakfast."

"Ok thanks." Catherine stopped remembering what the previous day had been, "You ok?"

'Yeah why?"

"Nothing. Just wondering" Catherine answered. "How is the case? We are getting some heat over these robberies gone wrong."

"Just passed the last of the DNA evidence off to Laura, and am going to give Hodges the trace evidence."

"You sure you do not want someone else to work the cases with you?"

"No I'm good. If another body drops than I might need someone." Sara said. She recently had taken to working by herself if given the choice, but she could not let her own need to seclude herself from others to effect the clearance of a case.

"You sound like you expect another body to drop?" Catherine said more as a question than a statement.

"I don't know something is just off about the case." Sara answered, she really had no idea why she felt that way.

"Finish passing off the evidence, than go home Sara you look exhausted." Catherine said feeling for the woman before her. She knew it had been a hard few years for Sara.

Before Catherine could walk away Sara asked, "Did you know Grissom is in town?" Sara asked searching the blondes eyes to see if she had any idea. He had to contact someone, he was not that big of jerk, Sara hoped. To just drop in and not say hello to any of his old friends or his ex-wife.

"No." Catherine said, "Did you two talk?" Catherine asked hopeful. She really had hoped Grissom and Sara would have worked out the problems with their marriage, but it did not happen, but a girl could hope right.

"No." Sara said hiding her emotions deep inside, "I was at the Uni picking up some work out of my mailbox and there was a flyer. He is giving a talk on campus."

"When?"

"Tomorrow."

"What a jerk." Catherine said. "If I had his number I'd give him an ear full. What time is the talk?"

"I don't remember." Sara lied not wanting to tell Catherine she knew Catherine would go only to lecture Grissom about dropping out of contact with everyone.

"Find out and let me know."

"Will do." Sara said lying some more, "Well I got to go. I want to get out of here sometime today."

Catharine walked away feeling the anger build in her. Grissom was not that much of a jerk. She had not heard from the man she had considered one of her closest friends in years. She missed their talks. Shit she even missed doing all of his paperwork.

* * *

Nick and Greg arrived at the diner unscathed, despite Gregs driving. Nick enjoyed Greg's company the kid was a bag of hyper most of the time, but he at least did a good job and he cared about the work.

"Pancakes. I need pancakes." Greg said as he walked in. He stopped so suddenly Nick ran into the back of him.

"What the…" Nick said noticing what Greg was looking at.

"no Way, Is that…"

"Grissom." Nick said calling out to his old mentor.

Grissom turned around, his back to the door. He smiled at seeing his old team members, his eyes scanned for one in particular.

Jade just watched the seen wondering who the goofy guy in the front was and the handsome man behind him with the Texas accent. She guessed someone Grissom used to work with.

Nick and Greg walked up to the table, "Mind if we join you?"

Grissom looked at Jade. He did not want to make her feel uncomfortable with all of the strange people around.

"Fine with me." Jade said scooting over to let one of them into the booth next to her. Just her luck it was the goofy one.

"Jade this is Nick" Grissom said indicating the Texan, "And Greg" the goofy one.

"Guys this is Jade one of my graduate students." Gil introduced everyone.

"What are you doing in town?" Nick asked, wondering why Gil had not called anyone to let them know he was coming to town. No one had heard from the old supervisor in a long time. Not since the divorce. Did he think Sara got everyone in the divorce?

"We are each giving invited lectures at UNLV." Grissom answered.

"Really." Greg frowned, "Sara never mentioned it".

"How would Sara know?" Gil asked.

"She is teaching classes there now." Nick answered glaring at Greg for bringing up Sara.

Jade just sat back taking in everyone. She had no idea who Sara was, or who these people where. Being a intelligent person she inferred they were likely people from when Doc worked in Vegas.

Gil rubbed his neck, a nervous tick he picked up somewhere. "I did not know that." Grissom felt bad now, he had not known. If he had, he probably would have turned it down. He didn't want to make things harder on Sara or himself.

"So how have you been? Really. No phone calls nothing." Nick said saving everyone from the uncomfortable turn the conversation had taken.

"Good. I got a position at a decent university out East." Gil laughed, "I know who would have thought I would move out East."

"How is Gil as a professor?" Nick asked wanting to bring the weird girl into the conversation.

"His undergrads either love him or hate him." Jade asked joining the conversation.

"Do you study Forensics?" Greg asked looking at Jade. He could not help but notice how cute the girl before him. She had short brown hair that looked very much like she just crawled out of bed and called it a day. But she could pull it off. Here hazel eyes were piercing when she choose to look someone in the eye. It felt like she was looking through him into his soul. Yeah he knew he was getting weird here, he couldn't help it. Was she Sara's replacement? Gil said she was a student, but hadn't Sara also been one of Grissom's students.

She snickered, "Um hell no."

"What's wrong with forensics?" Nick asked wondering why Greg was looking and acting weirder than usual.

"Nothing if you like boring." Jade answered, "Sorry just not my cup of tea." Jade felt like she put her foot in her mouth, a place the appendage probably be charged rent for.

Gil stepped in to save her, "Jade is a sociologist she prefers the challenge of understanding society."

"Really." Greg said, "The soft sciences."

"It is only called a soft science by the weak minded because they are not up for the challenge." Jade replied, her answer a bit more cutting.

Greg thought for a second a mini Grissom responded, she had the same tone when she was annoyed by someone. "Really give me an example of something that will blow my weak mind?"

Gil smiled, he knew she could do it. "So how have you been Nick?"

"Good. The labs it seems is always busy these days." Nick answered ignoring the conversation happening across the table. "Grissom really no call?"

"Sorry I just did not want to rip open old wounds for anyone." Gil said feeling the coward. In his mind, the divorce meant Sara got Vegas. He did not want to hurt her anymore than he already had over the years. If he could avoid her and the people she worked with she would not have to deal with the pain of his leaving her, which he was sure she was over by now. If he was honest, he didn't want to deal with the pain it brought him. He loved Sara with his entire being, and he couldn't help but keep hurting her.

"Well you have been missed." Nick said with a soft smile, "You better call Catharine before you leave. She finds out you were here and did not even bother to call or visit, well I wouldn't want to be you."

Gil shivered a bit thinking about the high-pitched annoyed voice he would get as soon as Catharine tracked him down, and she would. By the sound across the table Jade had managed to impress Greg. He was asking her something about South American nations homicide rates. "I will make sure to do so. We just got into town today." Gil said, hoping Nick would interpret it he was not going to completely ignore his old friends, but that he just had arrived. He knew it was weak, but a guy can hope right.

"You should stop by the lab tonight." Nick paused wondering if he should add it would be safe Sara was off, but decided against it. He respected his former boss, and as part of that respect he would ignore the latent information he got from reading between the comments made by Gil.

"Actually, Jade wanted me to see if she could get a tour of the lab." Gil said continuing on to explain, "She is working on a research project for me exploring a BJS survey sent out to labs. She had some questions about it, and wanted to see how a lab worked so she could better understand the pitfalls in the survey."

"We could probably arrange that." Nick said, "Notice would have been nice."

"I kept forgetting to call." Grissom said, and it had been mostly the truth. He did forget to email someone to set up the tour. He would not have called because he did not want to end up seeing people he knew from those days. Not that he minded the dinner, he was avoiding her. He had hoped she would have moved on, like she had talked about, but he knew better.

"How about tonight?"

"Tonight what?" Greg asked.

"Jade here wanted a tour of lab."

"Oh. But I'm off. She would not get the chance to have my awesomeness to help her through the boring tour" Greg said smiling at Jade.

"We probably shouldn't tonight. We got our lectures tomorrow morning, and than lunch with the UNLV folks" Grissom said.

"Too bad Friday is when a lot of the weird stuff comes in" Nick said . "Saturday than."

"Works for me." Jade answered smiling. The weird guy next to her may not be that weird after all.

"Than it's settled. I'll set it up." Nick stated.

"And you will get the awesome tour of the lab from me." Greg said smiling. He would like to spend some more time with the girl. "What are you doing this afternoon?" Greg asked looking at Jade.

"Sitting at the hotel waiting for Doc to want to go do something." Jade frowned, remembering their conversation earlier.

"How about I give you the native Las Vegas tour? You should see more than just our fine crime lab while you are here." Greg offered, hoping Jade would take it.

"Don't you need sleep?"

"Nah I'll get sleep when I'm dead."

"Sure." Jade answered really wanting to go out and do something, and she was not tired yet.

* * *

Gil was awaken from his state of slumber by the noise coming through the walls. Music, of course, Jade must be back. What time was it? Reaching blindly for his cellphone in the dark, he clicked a button to light the display 3:13 am. Grabbing a pillow he put it over his head to block out the noise. He was exhausted, he passed on a sleeping pill so that he would not feel groggy in the morning.

His eyes shot open when he heard a familiar voice through the wall. No that was not happening tonight Gil thought getting up from bed. He found a pair of pants and pulled them on. Grabbing his room key he walked out going to the door next to his banging on it.

"oh shit." He hard from inside and a giggle that followed.

The door opened a few seconds later, Jade was leaning against the frame to stay standing, "What up Doc?"

"Greg time to go home." Gil said trying to hide the anger in his voice.

"No problem Grissom." Greg said not too far behind Jade. "Jade and I were just listening to some music." Greg said quickly after, he had not, they had not planned on doing anything.

"What?" Took Jade a second to catch up to Grissom's thought process, "Really Doc, really you thought. Oh God no." Jade said falling into a fit of laughter, yeah she was a bit wasted. "Sorry Greg, but no. never."

Grissom looked a bit embarrassed by his assumption. "Either way someone has to get up in a few hours and be able to present without looking like they are hangover. Since all I had was a beer tonight, I don't think I'll have that problem. I cannot say the same for someone else."

Jade looked a bit sheepish, she knew she should not have drank so much, but she had fun hanging out with Greg. They went to a club and she danced and drank with him, lost count of how much she drank. "I'll be fine I have the perfect hangover prevention plan."

"Really what is it?" Greg asked.

Grissom walked away than to tired to deal with this, and feeling like an old fool. First what gave him the right to stop them if they had been planning on having sex. It was not like he was dating Jade or she was his daughter. She was a grown woman, two consenting adults and all that good stuff. He sighed when he heard Greg say goodnight to Jade, and the hotel room door slam shut. Tonight was going to be a sleepless night now, Grissom knew he would be up most of the night cycling through his mind trying to understand why had he felt the need to stop them, and that was what kept Grissom up most of the rest of the night.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Stlouieal you crack me up, seriously. Can I get you to be a reviewer on my next manuscript feel like sitting on a dissertation committee? I think it would make it so much better than the RL. Till now the field of criminology thought the age crime curve existed, but oh no he didn't he provided evidence that Hirshi was wrong, take that hirshi. Seriously not making fun of you. I truly do enjoy all of the reviews. Also glad some of ya'll like Jade. She is based on a friend who actually suggested I try writing fiction to see if that breaks the block on my dissertation. Last update for awhile (week at the most) too many RL deadlines to meet. My mentor who is nothing like Grissom is demanding I do actual work to get a job. BTW, are the chapters too long? In word they are averaging about 11 pages, which is nothing to write these days. **

**Chapter 3: Rest in Pieces**

The alarm awoke Sara, the radio blaring refusing to turn off until she got out of bed and hit the button. God she hated this song, fine she'll get up to turn it off in a minute. The bed is just so warm and comfortable. The dread hit her the minute she sat up in bed and realized why her alarm was waking her up, instead of her own natural sleep cycle. Today was the day she had to face her ex-husband. She could do this, she told herself. Just smile through it. With all she has been through, looking at Grissom again would not affect her.

It was not until the drive to the university that she began to feel the panic overtake her. Maybe she could not take this. Could she just not show up, make an excuse about the crime lab taking over. She had that ongoing case, it was important. Parked now, she closed her eyes and gave herself a pep talk. She would do this, Grissom was not part of her life anymore and he did not deserve this much control. Letting the anger at him wash over her, anger was the best emotion for now. It would get her through.

Once inside she slipped into the back of the lecture room. It was full, she was not surprised. The Criminal Justice and Criminology department just recently started offering forensics courses, and had planned on making it a small part of the larger department over the next few years. The students, especially the undergraduates, enjoyed learning about forensics techniques.

"Hey Sara how have you been?" An older white male asked. He was a faculty member in the UNLV department.

"Busy. The crime lab has been keeping me busy. How are classes?" Sara asked, she cringed inside, this was the same faculty member who on multiple occasions had asked Sara out. She declined each time but that did not seem to deter him.

"You know same old same old. I just got an article published in the _Criminology_." He said thinking it would have some meaning to Sara, but she did not know much about the criminological research field or their major journals. She remembered from an introduction course she took that it was mostly about theories of crime. Why some people committed crime, why some nations had higher crime rates than others, and a lot more.

"Congrats."

"I surprised you are here. Don't you sleep during the day?"

"Except days that I teach or I am needed at the crime lab." Sara answered at least the small talk was keeping her mind of, oh shit he just walked in, Grissom. God he looked good. She couldn't help herself. He clearly had been working out more often, and he had a suit on. He always looked good in suits. Nope, she was not going to lust after her ex-husband.

"You ok?" The faculty member asked her. Trying to see where she was looking at suddenly.

"Yeah sorry. I blanked out." Sara said hoping her face did not turn red. "Judith asked me to be here today. Since the speaker is a forensic guy."

"I heard he used to work at the Vegas lab. Did you know him?"

"Yeah a bit." Sara lied, "He did not just work there, he helped bring the lab to be one of the best in the nation."

"Really. What is the probability that we could recruit him to come work here?"

Sara looked at her phone, making sure the gentleman talking to her could not see the screen. "Sorry it's the lab. I better take this." Hoping he thought she had silenced her phone for the lecture.

"Hope it's not too urgent."

Sara escaped the room that felt like it was closing in on her. As she got into the hallway she ran into Judith.

"Hello Sara."

"Hello Judith." Sara said looking around for somewhere to escape to.

"Would it be possible for you to go stay for lunch with us?" Judith said, "Would be nice to have someone who knew the field there too. "

Sara wanted to say no, but she knew that the department asked very little of her and was willing to make a lot of compromises because of her career. "I guess I could."

"Great. We will figure out where to go afterwards."

"Ok." Sara said excusing her self to go to the rest room.

Once inside she went to the sink and splashed water on her face. She could do this, looking in the mirror she said it again to herself quietly she could do this.

She heard a hushed tone coming from the stall, "Jamie everything is fine. I was not out last night with Doc. I was out with a friend of Docs. He was showing me the town."

Sara did not know the voice and she did her best to ignore it.

"Seriously. No." another pause, "I am not having this discussion now."

The other person must have been talking on the other end of the line, Sara couldn't hear not that she was trying.

"We are not dating anymore. Remember. I choose my career over you. You gave me the choice, remember, you said I could not have both. I made my decision." The voice was strained a bit, almost like tears were being fought, and it was a losing battle.

"We are done here. I don't have time for your shit." The stall door came flying open and the girl from the flyer came walking out.

"sorry." Jade said to the woman standing at the sink looking into the mirror while she washed her hands.

"Nothing to be sorry about" Sara replied. Sara walked out and grabbed a bottle water from the table that held the breakfast items and refreshments. Returning to the bathroom she handed the girl the water. "You ok?"

"Yeah. Sorry." The brunette answered. "

"You are the second presenter right? Jade Scott?"

"Yeah."

Sara introduced herself, "I'm Sara. I adjunct here."

"Nice to meet you Sara and thanks for the water."

"No problem." Sara said leaving the bathroom to give the girl some privacy.

* * *

Grissom's talk went almost flawlessly. It just so happen in the middle of his talk while shifting his eyes through the audience, he eyes came upon someone he had hoped would not be there. He felt his breath catch, and he stuttered the next bit of his sentence before he stopped under the guise of taking a drink of water. After swallowing the cool liquid he was able to regain his composure and continue on. He avoided looking at that side of the room. Too many memories of his days in San Francisco. How she watched him intently, her eyes glued to him, as if nothing else was going on in the room. She was taking in every last word he spoke, as if it might be his last, or the most important information anyone ever told her.

As Grissom finished the last question from an undergraduate, he could not help but feel relieved that Sara did not ask him a question. A voice in his head chided him, coward. He felt horrible for not warning her. He did not know she was an adjunct at UNLV, otherwise, he would have sent Jade by herself.

"Thank you Dr. Grissom." Judith said standing up after everyone finished clapping. "We have an hour before Ms. Scott presents on "Is there a Global Trend of Homicide? Nope. We had lunch catered in and it can be found in the conference room down the hall."

Grissom was packing up his notes when Jade walked up to him.

"Hey Doc can we run away now?" She asked trying to hide her nerves.

"No we cannot. The only reason we are here is because you need the experience." Grissom snapped back a little harsher than he had meant. It was not the girls fault he was here, and had to face something he had been avoiding. He forced her to come after all.

"Ok." Jade answered noticing his mood. "Good talk by the way. I only slept through half of it." She tired to lighten the mood but only got a look from him that told her to back off.

"Let's go to lunch." Grissom almost growled. He felt bad already for how he was treating her, but he couldn't stop himself. Exhaustion, frustration, and all of the other shit was just adding up.

"Dr. Grissom I am not really hungry. Can I pass? " Jade asked having changed her tone to one she would usually use with other faculty, "I want to practice a bit in here."

"Ok. I'll make an excuse for you." Grissom said walking out of the room. Now he had to face the lunch by himself. Way to go Gil, be mean to the poor girl, she didn't deserve any of it.

Grissom walked into the conference room, and his lack of luck was holding. The only seat open was one across from Sara. Judith waved to him to join them. He walked down with his plate and sat down.

"Where is Ms Scott?" Judith asked Grissom a little more touchy then he liked when her hand touched his bicep.

"She had to get a revise and resubmit finished for _Journal of Quantitative Criminology."_ Gil answered. The journal is one of the top tier journal in the field of criminology.

"Really." Judith said suddenly more interested in Ms Scott, than she was in Gil.

"Yeah she is a great student and an even better statistician. Her talk today is child's play for her. She taught me all I needed to know about criminology."

"I guess you don't know much about the field being a forensics person" A old man sitting next to Sara said, it was the same faculty member who had been talking with Sara before the lecture began.

"yeah. I am trained as a biologist first. Jade has been helpful filling in blanks."

"How does that work?" The guy asked.

"How does what work?" Gil asked not understanding the question.

"A forensic person turning to professorship. Is it the old adage those who can't.."

Sara came to Gils defense, "Not remotely. Grissom was one of the best forensics people in Vegas. He made the lab what it is."

"You guys know each other?" The jerk professor asked.

"Yes." Grissom answered not looking at Sara, "I was the one who convinced Sara to leave San Francisco and come to Vegas. I was her supervisor when we worked the graveyard shift." He purposely left out she was also his ex-wife, the one woman he had expected to spend the rest of his life with. "And she is too nice. She was one of the best."

Sara eyes would have bugged out of her head had she not already been carefully checking her facial expression to hide the pain inside.

"Really. Interesting Sara never mentioned that." The jerk supplied.

Gil didn't flinch, he had not expected her to. "It seems like a life time ago."

"You are rather quiet now Sara." The jerk professor said.

"Just tired. Long shifts you know." Sara supplied. She grabbed her phone, "I actually need to go check in with the lab. It was nice seeing you again Grissom."

"You to Sara." Gil said glad she was running away. Things were awkward enough and he did not know what to say to her. Sorry about how things ended, sorry I was not good enough, sorry I ever left you. Maybe sorry I ever interfered with your life by asking you to come to Vegas if I had not you might have been happy somewhere else.

* * *

Jade did not practice. She already knew her talk forwards and backwards. There was no reason to practice anymore. The talk she could do in her sleep, had done in her sleep, the little sleep she got. She smiled at the memory of the night before, it was fun. Uncomfortable when Doc came rushing to her hotel door. Was she so clueless to think Greg was not expecting them to have sex when she asked him to come up and listen to the band they had been talking about in the taxi ride back to her hotel? Greg did not seem like the type to assume that any invitation to a girls hotel room meant sex. Yeah in cheesy movies that might have been the case but this was real life. She also began to wonder why Doc came rushing to the door and practically kicked Greg out. Doc had been protective of her, but she just assumed it was because he was her mentor.

She groaned when she thought about her fight with Jamie. Why had she remained friends with her Ex. Doc had warned her about him, that anyone who asked you to choose between loving them and doing what you love may not be worth the time. He had some fancy pants quote about it when she had asked him one night after she had stumbled home drunk from the bar. Doc had been nice enough to help her up the steps to her apartment over his garage. He left Hank with her that night too.

Time to stop thinking about these things. She turned her iPhone up to full blast and made sure the earbuds were secure in her ears. Jade found herself singing to the song in hear ears. She couldn't help it she was pissed off and all she knew to do was to turn to her music. Music never fails, it is the way she feels. The way she understands the world around here.

**My depth perception must be off again  
****Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did  
****It has not healed with time  
****It just shot down my spine  
****You look so beautiful**

Sara and been outside the room trying to work through her emotions. The psychiatrist she had seen warned her about bottling everything inside. She let the pain wash over hear. She heard the singing coming from the room. It was nice, whoever it was had a good voice. It was a song she had not heard before. Seeing Gil again may be too much for her. He acted like everything they had was nothing. It was only just a work relationship now. Yes she understood logically telling them he was her ex husband was not Gil nor really appropriate. It was the way he acted, like nothing had happen. He showed no pain. He was the tin man after all, cold unfeeling, heartless.

Sara was standing in the doorway, yet to open the doors when she felt a presences behind her.

"Sara." Gil said, having decided to follow after her after all. The voice in his head kept screaming at him about how much of a jerk he was. She did not deserve the treatment he was giving her anyway.

"Yea Gil." Sara said without looking at him. S he couldn't right now.

"I am sorry about all of this." He said his hand waving, "I did not know you were an adjunct at UNLV."

Sara felt the anger rise in her, "What would you have done different Gil? Continued to ignored your friends and family." Pausing to look at his face, where she found nothing, "Where you even going to talk to anyone while you were in town?"

Gil knew better than to lie, "I figured it would be easier if I just stayed away."

"Easier for who? You?" Sara said knowing she hit him. "When was the last time you talked to your mom?"

**Would you find it in your heart  
****To make this go away  
****And let me rest in pieces**

Gil did not answer, it had been awhile.

"I know it has been at least a year." Sara said, "I saw her at Christmas."

He did not know what to say to that. He had been busy at Christmas, working. The only reason he knew the holiday was there was because of the department party. Jade had wondered over to his house and watched a couple of movies with him. They both worked in front of the tv typing away on their laptops. Gil planning lectures, Jade writing her dissertation the only time they stopped was when the pizza showed up.

"Go see your mom before you leave." Sara spit at him, "And at least call Catharine she knows you are in town."

"I..I..I.." He was stuttering damn it, she seemed to be the only one who could make him do it, trying to make himself not look so horrible, "I talked to Nick and Greg yesterday. Does that count for something?"

Sara shook her head, he did not get the point. "Gris everyone asked about you, and I had nothing to tell them. It gutted everyone when they found out we were divorced. They couldn't believe how it ended." She was almost in tears, she saw nothing, no emotions in his blue eyes, "You really are heartless. I do not know what I ever saw in you. You were right all along, it was just a stupid school girl crush." Sara paused she heard Jade coming. She stepped out of the doorway to let the young girl through.

"Oh hey." Jade said seeing the woman from the bathroom, Sara, and Doc standing outside the door. "Everything ok Doc?" Jade asked, she could see Doc was uncomfortable.

"yeah." Grissom answered, "Just talking to an old colleague."

"You know each other?" Jade said looking between the two.

"Yeah I was her supervisor when I was working in Vegas."

"Cool." Jade answered, "Well don't mind me I am going to go outside for a bit. I think I need to walk."

"Ok make sure you get back soon."

"No worries Doc." Jade said waving goodbye.

Sara watched the exchanged, and she felt like she was looking at herself all those years ago at San Francisco. The way Gil was with the girl, and the girl was with Gil. "I see." She said softly to herself feeling the pain settle over her, "Be careful not to destroy her Gil."

"What?" Grissom asked confused by Sara comment.

"Leave her alone. S he is young and if half of what you said about he is true she has a good future ahead of her. She doesn't need some heartless damaged old man to ruin that." Sara choose her words to make sure they hurt him. She regretted the minute she said them because she saw something in his eyes, just a brief second of pain.

"I would never." Grissom said looking down the hallway where Jade had disappeared.

"I need air. Go back to the lunch." Sara said turning and leaving the same direction Jade went.

When Sara got outside she wanted to scream. She saw Gils replacement for he, or what she perceived as Gils replacement looking around lost. Calming herself she called out, "Hey Jade need some help?"

Jade turned to look at her, "Yeah I am trying to find a coffee shop or something. I need some decent caffeine."

"Walk with me. There is one not to far from here." Sara said, deciding it was not the girls fault, she probably knew nothing of Gil and Sara's relationship. No reason to take her pain out on the girl.

"Thanks. I don't know if I could function much longer without caffeine."

"No problem. I could use a good cup myself." Sara said putting a fake smile on her face.

They walked in an uncomfortable silence, more than once Sara had looked over and saw the girl trying to work up the courage to say something.

"Sara I know I don't know you, and you don't know me, and Doc would tell me it is not my place to say this, but I heard part of your conversation."

"Which part?" Sara asked hoping the last part was not it.

"You told Doc he is heartless."

Sara frowned.

"he's not. I know he acts like that." Jade quickly said, "But he's not."

"Jade I think I know Gil Grissom better than you."

"You may have known him longer, and I know you guys had something." Jade said seeing the surprised look. "Doc didn't say anything. Greg mentioned it last night, and they talked about you briefly at the diner yesterday."

"oh." Sara said, see he didn't even talk about her.

"He is not heartless. I know." Jade said.

"Well Gil use to always tell me the evidence doesn't lie."

"He still says that." Jade said smiling, "Exhibit A: Last year I was ready to drop out o the doctoral program." Jade was uncomfortable sharing these details with Sara, but she could no have someone thinking poorly of Dr. Grissom. She owed a lot to him. "Mind you it was not by choice. All I ever wanted was to get a PhD, do research, and maybe teach a bit." Jade paused trying to find the right words, "But my family had a different idea. I am a first generation college student, almost a first generation high school student. It has been my mom, my brother and myself for so many years. I always took care of everyone."

Jade paused again making sure Sara was listening. "It got the point I had to choose between staying in the program where I was going to lose my apartment because my mom was on a binder and all of my money went to making sure she had a house. Or quitting the university and getting another job. I was already working overnights at a Target unloading the truck. Doc worked it out so I could stay. He found extra work for me in the university, he made sure he was in charge of my hours because most of the faculty don't like me because I'm a bit different. I don't mince words, and I believe research speaks for itself. Anyway he made it so I could stay. He cornered me and made me tell him what was going on, and he found a way to offer me the help while allowing me to save face. He's not heartless. Without him I would be back in my hometown wasting away like everyone else."

Sara was not sure what to say. She wanted to tell the girl that this was classic Gil. He didn't want her to get away so he did everything he could to make sure she stayed. He had done it to Sara a few times when she tried to leave. Looking at the girl, Sara couldn't bring herself to do it. "So you meant Greg?" Sara tried to change the conversation.

"Yeah he gave me a tour of Vegas last night and we went dancing." Jade said smiling, "it was nice I wanted to have fun and Doc was too tired."

"Greg is a good guy." Sara smiled back at the girl, she wanted to add a much better man that Gil Grissom.

* * *

The girls made it back to the university with time to spare. The rest of their conversation had been about the lab. Sara learned that Jade was going to get a tour that night, and Greg and Nick had offered to answer questions about some survey. Once inside they made their way to an office Sara occupied occasionally. All of the adjuncts shared it, but they were only often on campus to teach that the office often stood empty.

Once inside the office Jade continued to ask question of Sara regarding the survey. Sara was surprised by the insight the girl had, for someone who had claimed to find Forensics boring. Gil probably helped her a bit.

In the middle of an answer Sara stopped. Jade looked behind her at the door. They both had heard the loud pops that sounded a lot like a gun being fired. The sound continued, and a few minutes later Sara's phone was ringing. Sara answered it indicating that Jade should close the door.

"This is a message from the University of Nevada Police Department. Please seek shelter immediately. There is an active shooter on campus. Go to a room and lock yourself in. Stay in the room until the all clear is given." The message just repeated itself again. Sara hung the phone up.

"Get away from the door." Sara said walking around her desk.

The gunfire now sounded like it was right outside the door. Both woman stood looking at the door waiting for it to open.

They heard someone scream in pain, but neither woman moved.

"Where are they?" A harsh voice asked.

"I don't know. I swear." A woman cried.

"Where the fuck is everyone?" The shooter asked one more time.

"I don't know."

That was the last words said before another shot was fired, killing the woman instantly as the bullet entered her the front of her head and exited the back.

* * *

"Everyone get in the conference room now." Judith yelled closing the door and locking it after the last person entered.

"Where is Jade and Sara?" Gil asked looking around for them.

"Not here." Someone answered.

"I need to go find them." Grissom said trying to push his way towards the door. Once he reached the door Judith grabbed his arm.

"You can't go out there Dr. Grissom."

"I have to. Jade and Sara are out there."

"I am sure they are hiding somewhere too."

"Get out of my way." Grissom said ready to move the woman out of his way.

"Let him go Judith. If he wants to get himself shot." The jerk professor said moving Judith out of the way. "We are locking the door and not opening again until we get the all clear."

"Fine with me." Grissom said walking out the door, having no idea where to look for Sara and Jade. The lecture room maybe. They could still be outside. Gil decided to try the lecture room first.

He ran down the hallway to the room. When he opened the door he stopped wishing he had looked outside first. The gunman looked Grissom in the eyes, raising his weapon so that it was level with Grissom's head. "Where are they?"

**AN: BTW should probably give credit where credit is due:**

**Chapter 1 song: Another Lonely Day by Ben Harper**

**Chapter 2 song: What Hurts the most written by Jeffery Steele performed by Aaron Lewis and most famously by some country band that I am not allowed to mention or else I'll get punched in the balls. **

**Chapter 3 song: Rest in Pieces by Saliva **

**And there is a story within the story using the songs. Once i reveal something I'll explain. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. Real life sucks. GF is really pissed at me, means less time for thinking/writing. I am hiding in a random classroom just to write because I too am a coward. Will try to get more up soonish, but just found out my top choice of Uni to work at is going to have an opening next year which means I really need to finish my dissertation so I have a chance of landing the position. **

* * *

**Chapter 4: Since you went away / You Could be Happy **

Grissom raised his hands above his head slowly as not to scare the gun man, "I don't know. Can you be a bit more specific?" Gil winced when he said it, he was not trying to be sarcastic or try to cause problems, he just did not know who they were.

"Doctor Dylan Terrance and Judith Liber."

Grissom searched his memory, did he meet a Dylan today. The jerk! It was the jerk professor. That is not going to help him. He could not take the gunman to that room full of innocent people. "I am not sure." Grissom answered.

"Who are you?"

"I am just visiting to give a lecture today." Gil answered not wanting to give his name or indicate he was a doctor.

"Where is everyone?"

"No idea. I was coming back to grab my notes." Gil answered.

"You are not very helpful." The gunman said his finger shifting to the trigger.

"Are you ok?" Gil asked, remembering he read somewhere if you asked a random questions in this type of situation the gunman often would stop from shooting to think of the answer.

"Do I look ok to you?"

"Not really. You have blood on you. Is it yours?" Gil knew the answer, but he asked anyways he had little else to go on.

"No." The gunman almost sounded remorseful, but his focus returned his finger now on the trigger, the gears in his head shifting deciding if he should pull the trigger. After a moment he spoke again, "The last person I ran into was not very helpful either."

"Maybe we can go look for this Dr Dylan and Judith together." Gil said, see he could be helpful as long as the gunman didn't kill him, "Why are you looking for them anyways?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"Sorry." Gil said starting to lower his hands.

"Keep them up."

"Ok." Gil said making sure he kept his hands above his head despite the burn in his shoulders. Stress was carried in his shoulders, and no one couldn't say this event and the past few days have not been stressful.

"Walk over to the whiteboard and put your face to it." The gunman ordered.

Gil turned around and walked to the whiteboard that was behind him. When he got there he turned his head and put his face against the board.

"Stay there and don't turn your head my direction." He heard the gunman rummaging around in the bag that had been on his shoulder previously.

Not seeing the gunman was making Gil nervous, he would at least like to see his death coming. He turned his head a bit just to get a glance of where the gunman was and was rewarded with being smacked with the but of the gun hard into the back of his head. The force of the hit sent Grissom's head into the white board. The pain and surprised caused his legs to buckle and he went down hard landing on the floor in a heap.

The gunman started to lash out at Grissom who now lay on the floor. The first kick knocked the wind out of Grissom landing solidly against his exposed rib cage. All Grissom could do to protect himself was to curl into a ball and ride out the attack. Despite covering most of his vital parts, each kick that connected with an arm or a leg hurt. The gunman was not holding back.

Once out of breath and possibly rage, the gunman stopped looking down at the man below him. Grissom was now bleeding from a cut on his face, his nose and lip where both bleeding as well.

The gunman growled, "Get up." Grabbing Grissom by his shirt and pulling Grissom back to his feet pushing him against the whiteboard.

Grissom was panting, trying not to wince in pain. His ribs burned and ached. Each breathe felt like a struggle, one kick must have gotten him in the stomach and knocked the wind out of him. The world seemed to be spinning or maybe it was him.

"Turn and face the board, this time I would keep my eyes forward if I were you." Grissom obeyed the command turning to the board he put his hands onto the white board, maybe he could anchor the world and it would stop spinning.

"Slowly lower your arms and put them behind your back." The gunman ordered his hand now in the center of Grissom's shoulder blades pushing him into the whiteboard.

Grissom did as he was told placing his forehead against the board as an anchoring point. The board was cool, and it felt nice against his forehead. He felt the gunman run a role of duct tape around to secure his hands behind his back. After multiple times around Gils wrist and up his arms to the elbow, the gunman stopped finally and ripped the role free.

"Move over to the chair now." The gunman pointed towards an empty chair by the table that held a portable podium on it. The same podium Gil had just used earlier that day to hold his notes. The gunman kept his hand on Grissom's elbow guiding him to the chair, keeping a watchful eye on him, as Grissom stumbled and weaved to the chair. The gunman did not mean to hit his captive so hard, he wanted him conscious and capable of walking on his own.

"Sit." The gunman said once they arrived at the chair. "I would not move if I was you."

"Ok." Gil answered not sure what was going on, he lowered himself gently onto the chair. He felt blood trickling down his face. He wanted desperately to reach up and wipe it off, but he couldn't with his hands secured behind his back. He could move his head to the side and wipe it on his shoulder, but that would require moving his head, and he was definitely told not to do that. The world seemed to slowly stop spinning, that was a good sign. The fact the gunman guided him to the chair was helpful.

Back into the bag, the gunman was now behind Gil. The gunman walked to face Gil, "you know what this is?"

"A sawed off shotgun." Gil answered trying not to shiver at the thought of the damage it would do to him.

"Have you ever seen what damage this could do to someone's head?"

"Unfortunately, yes I have."

The gunman turned his head in interest, not common for the academic types, he continued to talk "Good than you will think twice before you mess with me while we are looking for them."

Gil thought they were ready to move, but he soon realized he was wrong and he felt the color draining from his face when he realized exactly what the gunman was going to do.

With the barrel of the sawed off shotgun pushing harshly into the back of Gil's head right in the dent where the spine reaches the hindbrain, the gunman used his other hand to stick a piece of tape to the barrel. He took the role around once around the barrel and then started to wrap it so that the tape came over Gils left shoulder, sticking to his neck the entire time, and than back to his right shoulder, around the barrel, and repeated over and over until the gun was securely tapped to the back of Gils head.

Gil closed his eyes trying to avoid panicking. That would not help right now. His heart was pounding so hard he felt it in his ears. He felt his body start to shake a bit, he tried to stop it, but he couldn't.

The gunman was calm enough to allow the shock to wear off some. He watched the older man before him and he knew he should feel bad for what he was doing, but this guy was probably just like Doctor Dylan. Praying on students. Using his position of power to get what he wanted. It made him sick. "Get up." The gunman snarled his own anger taking over him.

Gil slowly moved to stand up, the gunman had to help him as Grissom started to teeter over dizzy still from the beating. Once securely on his feet Gil opened his eyes, wishing he had the use of his hands so he could wipe the sweat from his face, maybe pull at the tape around his neck that felt like it was slowly choking the life out of him. It was not that he was having trouble breathing, just the feeling of it securing the gun to his head was enough to feel like it was restricting his oxygen flow. The brain needed oxygen, it was important, and he needed his brain. He felt himself shake his head to clear his rambling, rambling from fear, but he stopped himself shortly after he started because probably not the brightest idea he had with a gun tapped to his head.

"Move." The gunman said pushing Grissom forward by pushing the gun deeper into Gils scalp. "What is your name?" The gunman asked as they made their way to the door.

"Gil" Grissom answered him, even he could hear the fear in his voice.

"You a Phd?"

"Yes."

"Ever sleep with one of your students?"

Gil paused a second thinking about the answer. Technically Sara was one of his students, but he did not sleep with her until they were out of that position, "No."

"Took you awhile to answer."

"You will have to excuse me. I am pretty sure I have a concussion. Makes thinking hard, and I am a bit nervous about having a gun pushed into the back of my head." Grissom replied sarcastically, realizing after he spoken it probably was not the best idea.

"What's wrong Dr. Gil afraid someone is going to be cleaning the inside of your head off the wall."

"Yes." Grissom answered he could not avoid the shiver that ran through him.

"Be a good boy, and don't try to use that big brain of yours to get out of this and you'll be fine." The gun pushed deeper into his head. "now where is everyone?"

"I already told you I don't know."

"You want me to believe they invite you for a lecture and let you wonder around afterwards. What kind of host is that."

Gil closed his eyes, he didn't want to answer. "Why don't you tell me what you want with Judith and Dylan?" Gil had an idea, but he was not completely sure, maybe he could talk the guy down.

The gunman pulled back on the gun, stopping Gil in his tracks. They were now searching rooms up and down the hallway. "They killed my daughter."

"How?" Grissom asked, he knew he could end up regretting, but he wanted to know.

"Dylan courted her while she was in his introduction to theory course. She was obsessed with him. I tried to warn her about men like you."

Grissom noticed the you and not he. He wanted to correct the gunman, but he knew now was not the time. He did not want the gunman settling for the only target he had.

"He slept with her at finals time. She had gone to get extra help." The man cleared his throat, by the sound of it trying to clear the tears that were forming. "She left for winter break. They talked over email. When she came back, he wanted nothing to do with her." The man pushed Grissom forward towards the conference room. "He told her to move on. We went to the chair of the department to complain after she told me what had happened. He abused his power. It is not right. He deserved to get punished."

Grissom knew the answer; there was no punishment to be given.

"The chair explained to us that there was nothing they could do. My daughter was a willing participant and they did not have a no fraternization with students policy. Nothing could be done about it."

"I am sorry." Gil said hoping that was enough, but he knew it wouldn't be.

"That is not the end of the story." The gunman pulled back on the gun stopping Gil. "Word got out somehow. The other students heard about it and they tormented her relentlessly. Calling her horrible names, refusing to work with her, she said it was impossible to live anymore. She thought he had loved her. The breaking point was when she saw him with another student. Doing the same things he had done to her." The gunman paused his free hand wiping the tears from his face, "She killed herself last week."

* * *

"Should we go look for the others?" Jade asked Sara, both women had been staring at the closed office door.

"No." Sara answered, "We should wait until the all clear is given." Sara had already called the campus police to report a siting of the shooter, and her office to let them know what was going on. Both were on their way to the building.

"Should we go check for anyone who might be injured outside?" Jade asked, she studied these events. Where she grew up drive by shootings were not uncommon, but that had been years since she had to live in fear of a bullet.

Sara weighed the idea, they could help anyone injured, but at the same time she would be putting her life and Jade's life in danger. "Do you have any first aid skills?"

"I know CPR." Jade responded knowing she really did not have much skills in the way of first aid, but she had only learned CPR as part of a requirement to be a teaching assistant in the department. "But I could be a look out. That I am good at." Jade added.

"Ok. But we do not leave this area." Sara said moving towards the door. "If anything goes down you run for outside and you don't stop no matter what ok?"

"Yes." Jade said following behind Sara.

Sara led the way out into the hallway looking around to make sure the gunman was not around. "Come on." Sara moved forward allowing Jade out of the office.

The first thing they came across was a woman who was dead. There was nothing that could be done for her at this point. Sara looked at Jade to see how she was taking it. The girl looked like it was almost completely normal to see a dead body lying on the floor.

"Where do you think everyone is?" Jade asked ignoring the body. It was not that it didn't phase her, it did. It was that she did not show the emotion, it wouldn't help.

"Probably at the conference room." Sara said looking down the hallways towards the conference room. Jade grabbed Sara and pulled her back against the wall when she heard Grissom's voice.

"I am sorry for your loss." He paused to think of is next words, "Do you think this is how she would want you to mourn her?"

"Shut up." The gunman pushed the gun harder almost making Grissom fall from the unexpected push forward. "It does not matter what she wants. She is dead now, and those bastards had a hand in it. Now tell me where they are?"

Grissom felt the gun shaking, he knew it was anger, the gunman was not to far off from pulling the trigger. "Listen please." Grissom said, "I truly am sorry about what happened to your daughter. It was not right." Grissom paused waiting to hear something, he could not see the gunman's face, "I understand you are angry, that you are hurt, that the very people who were supposed to help her, hurt her." Grissom felt his knees shake, he was terrified, "And you are right if I did know where the people you are looking for I would not tell you. Not because I don't want you to find them, but because your daughters memory does not deserve this damage." Grissom paused, he was taking the sign that he wasn't dead yet as a good one, "We can walk out of here now. No one else has to get hurt."

"Too late for that." The gunman responded seething with anger.

Sara could hear the anger in the gunman's voice, she could sense something was going to happen soon if someone did not intervene. "Come on we need to get back to the office." Sara said grabbing Jade and pulling her back toward the office.

"Turn." The gunman said pushing the gun again.

Sara and Jade both turn and tried to move back towards the office door.

"Don't fucking move." The gunman yelled to them.

Sara grabbed Jade and pulled her so that Sara would shield the younger girl before turning around to face the gunman.

Jade audibly gasped at the site of Doc with gun tapped to his head, and his bloody face. She wanted to ask him if he was ok, but she was too afraid of what would happen if she spoke.

Grissom felt his breath catch. This was not how he wanted to find the two women. He wanted to scream for them both to run, but he knew that would not end well for anyone. The fear was evident on Jade's face, but he was not sure if he saw any on Sara's. He was sure his own fear was showing through. No longer for himself but for the two women he cared about.

"Where is everyone?" The gunman asked looking at the two women.

"We don't know." Sara answered her arm behind her holding the younger girl in place.

"Where have you been hiding?" The gunman asked.

"In my office." Sara answered.

"Why didn't you run outside?"

"We wanted to check if we could help some of the wounded." Sara responded feeling herself tremble slightly. Grissom looked horrible, she was trying to remain strong even if she had her own reason to dislike him, no one deserved the treatment he was getting.

"Where is Dylan Terrance's office?"

"Down there." Sara said pointing at an office down the hallway.

"Move towards it now, all of you." The gunman ordered holding Grissom back to let the two women walk in front. Sara pushed Jade so she was in front of her now, shielding the girl as they walked by the gunman.

"You ok doc?" Jade asked when she walked by.

"Everything will be ok." Grissom said hoping the gunman would not punish anyone for the exchange.

"I thought you were just here to give a lecture." The gunman asked almost with a growl.

"I am."

"Than how do you know them?"

"She is my graduate student. Came to give a talk herself."

"You sleep with her?"

"Hell no." Jade answered for Grissom with anger seething behind the answer. "I do not…"

Sara grabbed the girls arm harshly when she saw the color drain from Grissom's face. While Grissom did not say anything, she was sure if Jade finished that sentence it would not be good for anyone.

"You don't what?" The gunman asked.

"I don't sleep with old men." Jane understanding Sara and Grissom's unspoken warnings.

"Smart girl." The gunman stated.

Now at the door Sara reached out and tried it. "It's locked." She said for the gunman after the handle wouldn't budge.

"Knock."

Sara knocked and no sound came. "I am pretty sure he was out to lunch. I saw him pass me in the hallway on my way in. Probably not more than 20 minutes before you showed up."

"Nice try." The gunman said, "He is here, I know it." Anger rising up the gunman spoke again, "Let's play a game. I will give you to the count of five to tell me where everyone is and than I will pull the trigger. You two can wear Gil's brains."

"One." … "Two"… "Three…"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." A voice familiar to both Grissom and Sara said from behind the group.

"Why is that?" The gunman asked turning his back on Sara and Jade to look at the group of officers behind them. It was a SWAT unit with him, the familiar voice was surely behind the riot shields.

"Oh you have six different sharp shooters with your head in their sites." Brass responded to the gunman.

"You shoot me he dies."

"I can live with that. Gil there is a bit of a prick."

The gunman couldn't help but snort at the cops comment. "Didn't notice."

"What I mean to say is collateral damage happens." Brass answered slightly more professional, "And if Gil is collateral damage, one life is better than multiple lives."

Gil closed his eyes, ok so people were pissed off at him, but that was a bit harsh. He hoped that it was Brass's way of getting the gunman to give himself up. Gil spoke softly to the gunman, "Please. Think of your daughter. Do you really think she wanted you to die because of all of this?" Gil paused, "That is what is going to happen. We both will be dead, and nothing will fixed. Your daughter will still be dead, you will be dead, I will be dead, and the real fucker behind all of this will be walking around like nothing happened."

Gil paused, hoping he was getting through. His hands were shaking behind his back, where he legs as well? He didn't know, "If you give yourself up, you can tell your side in court. You know the media is going to pick this up. You can tell your daughters story." Was that the gun shifting behind his head, he wasn't sure if he imagined it or if it happened. "The media will listen. They will tell her story for you. Dylan will not get away with what he did. His reputation, his career, and everything will be ruined."

"Ok." The gunman said not indicating if the Ok meant he was going to give up or it meant it was all over for him and Gil. "First I want all of the police out of here now."

"We cannot do that."

"I want to make sure when I give myself up you do not kill me."

"We cannot leave you with them." Brass aid, "How about a compromise"

"I am listening." The gunman answered back.

"You hand the gun to one of the woman behind you."

"Don't see what the compromise is here."

"You didn't let me finish." Brass answered back, "I will have these fine SWAT men leave if you send one of the women out. Than it will be me, you, Gil, and one of them."

"You won't shoot me?"

"Only if you make a move to hurt anyone."

"Ok. I want a news crew in here too, at least a camera."

"I cannot do that." Brass said, "Regulations won't let me endanger anyone else's life. I give you my word on Gils life that I won't shoot you."

The gunman laughed, "You already told me what his life was worth to you."

"Good point. How about on my own? I'll put my gun away after the SWAT walk out of here."

"Fine."

"Ok guys you heard the man exit the building."

"Which one of you want to go out?" The gunman asked.

"Let Jade go." Sara said looking at Jade slowly pushing the girl forward.

"Fine with me." The gunman said, "Jade is it."

"Yes." Jade said looking at the gunman as she walked by him.

"Stay smart and don't sleep with old men."

"No problem. Try not to kill my mentor. I need him to finish my dissertation." Jade responded ignoring the fear and pain she saw on Doc's face.

As soon as Jade got behind them, the SWAT guys listened to Brass and slowly backed out of the corridor to the exit, each keeping their gun aimed at the gunman until they and Jade were clear of the door.

"Putting my gun away." Brass said holstering his gun. "Now it's your turn."

"Here." The gunman said moving to the side still holding the gun. "Take it. Be careful it has a hairpin trigger."

Sara took the gun holding it as motionless as she could. She saw Gils hands for the first time, she saw them shaking slightly despite being secured behind his back. "It's ok Gil I got it." Sara said wondering if it would make her ex-husband fill better.

"Good. Now slowly move away from them." Jim said keeping his hand on his gun ready to pull it if necessary.

The gunman complied until Jim ordered him, "Stop. Turn around and than lower yourself to the floor on your knees."

Jim waited for the gunman to respond the entire time keeping his focus on the gunman. "Cross your legs behind you now please."

The gunman complied, and the next second Jim was on him, securing his hands with handcuffs behind his back.

"All clear." Jim called to the SWAT team waiting outside. "Is there anybody else hurt?"

"Just a girl dead over there, that I know of." Sara said indicating the main office area.

Two of the SWAT members removed the gunman from the building asking him questions as they walked him out to a waiting squad car. Questions such as were there any explosives inside, anything else they should worry about.

The other members of the SWAT team went to clear the building. Brass walked up to Sara and asked, "You have that?"

"Yes unless you want to switch me?"

"Nope I'd much rather rip the tap off our old friend here." Jim said looking over Gil who was still panting, clearly in pain from what looked like to be a decent beating.

"Be careful." Gil asked in a pleading voice. He knew Jim was pissed at him, and probably had every right to be, but right now Gil needed just a little compassion.

"Oh don't worry. Hate for the hostage to get killed on accident." Jim said almost joking. He looked at the tape, "I figured best to remove the gun first."

"That would be great." Gil responded.

"It's going to hurt some." Brass said looking for a spot to pull the tape, or should he cut it away. "What do you prefer, I cut the tape away or unwind it?"

"Whatever you think you can do without cutting me or making the gun go off."

"Unwinding it is." He found the end of tape and started to slowly pull it away from the gun and Gils neck. He kept his attention on the tape as he spoke to Sara. "Did you know our buddy was in town?"

"I learned earlier this week."

"Oh he called you?"

"no. Flyer in my mailbox here." Sara responded playing along with Brass who seemed to decide ignoring Gil's presence the best.

"What a coward." Brass said as he pulled the last of the tape off the gun, it was now just around Gil's neck. "I'll let you get the rest." Brass said holding out his hand for Sara to hand him the gun.

"Thanks." Gil answered softly.

Sara looked at her ex-husband who was barely standing now. "How about we move to my office to get the rest off?"

"Ok." Gil said letting her lead him to her office with her arm around him gently guiding him, but also as support.

"Have a seat." She said indicating the guest chair. She kept her arm on his elbow as he lowered himself into the chair. "Do you want me to finish freeing your hands or the tape around your neck?"

Gil contemplated and decided having his arms free would be a better option. He could remove the tape from his neck than, if his hands cooperated. "My arms please."

Sara enjoyed the silence between them. She did not know what else she would say to him otherwise. Though Gil's silence did worry her a bit. "You ok? Besides the obvious? Any injuries we should worry about? Maybe we should get a paramedic?" She was asking the questions rapidly out of nerves.

"Can you please just get the tape off?"

"Ok." Sara said taking it to mean he was not injured seriously enough to require immediate medical attention. She knew Gil did not like to show when he was in pain, let alone admit it, but he would have if there was a life threatening injury, right?

Sara slowly removed the tape, wearing a pair of plastic gloves from her backup kit she kept in the office. Always the CSI. When she finished she watched Gil bring his arms to his side, and a small hiss escaped his mouth.

"You ok?"

"Yes." Gil said closing his eyes. The blood returning to his numb arms hurt, not as bad as his ribs or his head, but it all added up.

"I'll just bag this." She said putting the tape into a bag. Not being able to stop herself she walked up to Gil and gently rubbed his shoulders in a show of compassion.

He looked up her, his blue eyes bloodshot. She couldn't help but realize how old he looked. There was pain, she was not sure if it was purely physical pain. "Lets get the tape off your neck." She said gently starting to remove the rest of the tape. She tried to make it as painless as possible for him. As soon as he was free he moved to rub his neck and she stopped him. "We need to get pictures."

"Sorry." Gil said lowering his head.

"Let me go see if I cannot find someone from day shift to get those pictures."

She left Gil in the office to go find someone. SWAT had cleared the building already, or so she thought. She found Jade outside.

"Is Doc ok?"

"Yeah he is in my office." Sara responded to the girl looking her over.

"Can I go see him?"

"Let him have a few minutes to himself. We are not done processing him yet."

"Ok."

"You need to go to a medic and get checked over."

"I'm fine." Jade answered.

"Ok." Sara answered smiling as she saw familiar faces walking up.

"He is in town to give a lecture and still manages to get himself into trouble." Nick said calling to Sara. "If I did not know better I'd think you had something to do with this."

Sara smiled and shook her head at her friend.

"Seriously." Greg said, "When I heard I got the call to come into work, and heard what it was, I was sure you lost it and were going to kill him."

"As if I cared about him like that anymore." Sara said. "Can one of you go in and finish processing him?"

"I will." Nick said realizing it would probably be the gentler option for Grissom.

"Hey stranger." Greg said to Jade, "And you thought you were not going to see anything exciting in Vegas while you were here."

Jade smiled at him.

"How about we go over here and give some nice police man your statement?" Greg said, "If there is any evidence from you to be collected I'll collect it."

"Good idea Greg." Sara said noticing the junior CSI and the woman had a bond. Sara remembered than that Jade had talk about going out with Greg last night. That made sense, the two seemed to be a lot alike.

"What about you?" Greg asked.

"I want to go check on the others." She lied, she wanted to check on Gil. She was worried he was in shock and maybe injured but not willing to admit it. Leaving to two, she returned back to her office. "How is it going?"

"Good." Nick answered, a paramedic having joined them. "I am going to go help day shift process some of the evidence." Nick strategically answered, finding a way to leave Grissom and Sara alone, well almost alone.

"Mind helping me?" The paramedic asked. Brass had sent him in to allow Grissom some privacy, since he knew his former friend would refuse to go to the hospital.

"What can I do?"

"I need to get the coat and shirt off him. And his arms a bit weak." The paramedic answered.

"Sure." She said feeling weird about helping her ex-husband undress.

Gil seemed to be just as embarrassed as Sara. "Sorry." He mumbled to her.

"It's ok." She said, "Not your fault."

She helped him slide the coat off his arms. His hands were shaking horrible she noticed. "It's ok."

"How is Jade?"

"Out with Greg." Sara responded noticing a brief emotion across Gil's face one she couldn't place. Was it jealousy, was it relief? She couldn't tell it moved across so fast.

"Good."

She was helping with the buttons on his shirt, his hands were too shaky to do them himself. The paramedic seemed to be checking a gash on the back of Gil's head.

"Ouch." She said out loud when she saw the bruises that were forming on her ex-husbands torso.

"yeah." Gil responded trying not to chuckle, it hurt too much.

"You know it's not a good idea to piss the man off with a gun."

"I know." Gil said this time not holding in a gentle laugh, "But you know me I can piss of a monk."

"You could." Sara said smiling at him as she saw him wince from laughing. "Sorry. Should probably stop making you laugh."

"I deserve it." He said softly, almost t himself, she barely heard it, and even questioned if she had heard him say it.

"Why don't you go to the hospital?" She asked.

"I just want to go back to my hotel room and sleep." Gil said softly.

"Probably won't happen." The paramedic said, "You need stiches. And it is highly likely you have a concussion. Severe enough you are going to need looking after. Hospital is the best option."

"No." Gil said, "I can set the alarm on my phone to wake me up every hour." He said knowing the procedure for a concussion.

"And what if you don't wake up?" Sara asked softly.

"I'm fine." Gil said.

"I beg to differ." The paramedic answered.

"Just stitch me up please." Gil responded.

"I strongly advise you to seek medical treatment at a hospital."

"Not right now." Gil said, "Maybe later after I give my statement."

Brass walked into the office, "How is he?"

"Refusing to go to the hospital." The paramedic answered.

"Gil I'm giving you two options. 1) I can arrest you and take you to the hospital for treatment. Or 2) You can go on your own. You choose?"

"What are you going to arrest me for?"

"Being a dick."

"Last time I checked that was not against the law."

"Well we cannot be sure if you were an accomplice or not. So I could hold you for at least 24 hours." Brass responded. "Does that work better for you?"

"Fine." Gil said, "But I am not staying."

"We'll discuss that later." Brass answered.

"I'll finish my initial assessment and than we'll take you to the ambulance."

"No. I will take a taxi." Gil answered.

"I'll drive you." Sara said before she even thought it surprising everyone in the room. Before Grissom could decline she added, "Just to make sure you got there."

"I'll come by in a bit to get his statement." Brass said.

"You could just send one of your guys." Gil said.

"I'd rather take it myself." Brass said, "We have a lot to discuss."

"I am going to go outside and check on Greg and Jade while he finishes working on you Gil." Sara said her hand gently on his arm. "Come out and find me when you get done".

"ok." Grissom answered wishing she'd just let him take a taxi, but his head hurt too much to argue.

* * *

It was another twenty minutes before the medic was satisfied that Gil was not seriously injured. Gil limped outside, one hand on his ribs, his arms having the feeling returned, and another hand blocking the sun as he walked outside. The light hurt his head, sending sharp pains, much like his migraines through the front to the back of his skull. He had his button up shirt on, and the coat he left in Sara's office. He looked around trying to find Sara, she had not been too descriptive on where she would be other than outside.

"What's up Doc?" Jade asked with a smile on her face. She and Greg were leaning against a car when they saw Grissom approaching. "Glad you're alive."

"Me too."

"Who'd of signed off on my dissertation." Jade joked with him. They both knew it was her way of telling him she was happy he was truly alive and ok, without embarrassing either of them with a show of emotions. Emotions were things that should be hidden.

"I'm sure Voldermort would have."

"You must have had your head hit hard."

"Why is that?"

"You called him Voldermort."

"Who is Voldermort?"

Grissom responded, "A character from Harry Potter."

"I know that." Greg said.

Jade explained to him the nickname she gave her professor.

"Have you seen Sara?" Grissom asked when the girl was done talking.

"She is over there." Greg said pointing towards a SUV.

"Thanks." Grissom limped away, glad his hands had stopped shaking, and his legs seemed to be carrying him just fine. His ribs were not broken, at least that was the paramedics assessment. An x-ray or something was necessary to determine it for sure. As Grissom approached he saw Sara talking to a man about Grissom's age. He watched them as he made his way slowly towards them. Sara was comfortable with this man, he could tell by her body language. She acted like she did around him, when they had yet to start to date. Was Sara dating this man? He knew she liked older men, but this guy looked like a total douche bag, to borrow Jade's language.

"Hey Grissom." Sara said smiling, "You ready to go to the hospital."

"Yeah."

"Sorry" Sara said noticing Grissom looking at the other man who was standing with her. "This is the my friend Rick."

"Nice to meet you Dr. Grissom. I've heard a bit about you."

"Nothing good I'm sure." Grissom said staring at the man trying to hide the fact he already hated the man he didn't know.

"No good things." Rick said. "I will see you later Sara. Call me when you can reschedule that breakfast." Rick hugged her before he left.

Grissom glared at the mans back. Sara was not a hugging person, she did not hug random people.

"You ok?" Sara asked Grissom seeing the glare on his face.

Grissom turned his head towards her, "Yeah just the sun hurts."

"Want to borrow my sunglasses?" Greg asked walking up behind Grissom with Jade.

"Not necessary." Grissom answered.

"We brought water for everyone." Jade said handing Grissom a bottle of water.

"Thanks." Grissom said taking the bottle from her and taking a small drink. His mouth ached from the previous beating.

"We better get you to the hospital." Sara said.

"I am going to stay with Greg if you two don't mind?" Jade said, quickly filling in for the look of surprise she got from Grissom, "I still want to visit the lab tonight. Greg said he could take me in with him and drop me off after his shift."

"You are a grown woman. No need to ok it with me." Grissom answered a bit more grouchy than he meant to, he would later blame it on being in pain and the ordeal he went through.

"Great." Jade said seemingly unfazed by Grissom, "Take good care of Doc for me Sara."

"Hop in this is me." Sara said unlocking the doors.

Grissom limped over to the passenger side and slid into the car trying not to jostle his ribs or his head too much. "Do you have a towel or something?" He asked once inside.

"What for?"

"Don't want to get any blood on your head rest." Grissom answered softly.

"Oh" Sara said looking around, she had a blanket she kept in the back. She got out and grabbed it. "Here lean forward a bit." S he said now at the passenger door. Sliding the blanket behind his head she gently rubbed his shoulder again to provide some form of comfort to him. "Better?"

"Yes" Grissom said leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

"Don't fall asleep on me." Sara said after climbing back into the driver side.

"I won't."

"How about you talk to me just to be sure. That way you can keep your eyes closed. Or you could sing." Sara joked remembering one time Grissom had come home plastered. He had gone out with Brass after a particular difficult week. Brass had made some poor uniform unit drive the two to their respective houses. Grissom had walked into the house singing Otis Redding's My Girl at the top of his lungs.

"What do you want to talk about?" Grissom replied.

"I don't know." Sara answered as she started the car, the CD player picked up wherever it had left off on her drive over.

**Seems like to me  
****The sky ain't half so blue  
****Seems like to me  
****Everything wants you  
****Seems like to me  
****I don't know what to do  
****Since you went away**

Grissom was quiet for a second listening to the mellow tones of the song, "Who is this?"

Sara blushed a bit because the song had meaning, she hoped Grissom did not understand it, "Some CD that Lindsay gave me for my birthday."

"Catharine's Lindsay?"

"Yes. She is off at college now."

"Good for her."

"It's Kris Delmhorst."

"She has a good voice." Grissom said hoping Sara would say something more to keep this conversation going.

"I noticed. I like to listen to it when I am driving home from work. Relaxing."

There were a few minutes of silence before Grissom spoke again, "Are you…" He paused knowing he had no right to ask this question so he changed his mind, "Are you sure Jade will be ok with Greg?"

"Of course." Sara answered.

"Thank you for keeping her safe earlier." Grissom answered, "Sometimes she doesn't think before she talks or acts."

"She seems like a good person."

"She is. A great student too."

"But she doesn't study forensics?"

"No. The department I am at is a mix of criminology and criminal justice. I happen to work on the criminal justice side, teaching forensics. Jade is more of the criminologist side."

"How do you end up being her mentor?"

"She has ruffled a few feathers, and well is not a traditional student." Grissom replied without giving the entire story.

"That is all?"

"She was the only graduate student willing to be my TA." Grissom added.

"She live with you?"

"No. Well not really." Grissom answered wondering where the question was coming from. "I have an apartment above my garage she rents. She takes care of Hank."

"Hank is still alive?" Sara asked excited, she had loved the dog.

"Yes." Grissom said, "He is doing good too. He is at a colleagues house this week."

Grissom let silence take over the car before he said, "Jade is just my graduate student Sara. Nothing more."

"Ok. Was not asking." Sara said feeling a bit defense that Grissom felt the need to say that. She did not care what he did anymore.

"Are you seeing Rick?"

"What if I am?" Sara asked.

"Just asking." Grissom said softly, "Trying to make conversation. You seemed comfortable with him is all. You seem happy Sara. I just want to know that you are happy is all."

"I am happy Gris." She answered looking over at him.

"Well than I'm happy that you are happy." He said feeling quite ineloquent, so unlike himself. He let out a soft chuckle.

"What is funny?" Sara asked watching Grissom wincing from the laugh.

"Nothing." He said panting from the pain.

"Come on." Sara said hoping he would share.

"Just…" He stopped, "A Jade moment."

"A what?"

"Jade moment. Every time I try to do my quote thing, she quotes lyrics back to me from songs. She says she sings what she cannot say, it's another song thing too."

"And?" Sara asked wondering if there was serious damage done to Grissom's head because he was making little sense.

"There is this band she listens to a lot. I actually have learned a lot of their music because of it. She insist on listening to it at ungodly levels or without headphones when she is cooking in my kitchen or hanging out grading."

Sara noted that the girl seemed to spend a lot of time in Grissom's house, even thought she had an apartment above his garage. "And?" She asked hoping he'd give more detail.

"There is a song from the only album I can stand from the group. The lyrics just popped into my head."

"What are they?"

"Really?" Grissom said not wanting to share now.

"Seriously. What was the song?"

"You could be happy."

"Haven't heard it how does it go?" Sara had heard it, was a group she had listened to.

"Come on." Grissom said, "Don't make me."

"Please. I'll protect you from Catharine and Brass a bit longer."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"Fine." Grissom said opening his eyes. He took a drink of his water and turned his head slightly so he could look at Sara without truly looking at her. "I think it goes…You could be happy, and I won't know. But you weren't happy the day I watched you go. And all of the things I wished had no said. Are played in loops until it's madness in my head. Is it to late to remind you how we were? Not our last days of silent, screaming, blur. Most of what I remember makes me sure. I should have stopped from walking out the door. You could be happy, I hope you are. You made happier than I'd been by far. And for the tiniest moment, it's all not true. Do the things you always wanted to. Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do."

"That is a beautiful song." Sara said looking over at Grissom while trying to keep her eyes on the road. She wondered if it meant what she thought it meant. Probably not, definitely not, he had a concussion, he is in pain, he is just talking. Of course his thoughts are jumbled.

"Well it was running through my head. It's such a Jade thing. Don't tell her she'll do a happy dance probably and go back and tell everyone how she broke me of my quoting old dead white guys."

"Your secret is safe with me." Sara said. "Isn't that the theme song for that TV show Grey's Anatomy?" Really didn't mean what she had hoped it meant. He was into Jade. He just didn't know it yet. Replaced by a younger model? Sara could not be made at the girl. She had no idea and did not seem interested in Grissom.

"I have no idea." Grissom said happy that Sara did not ask him why he had thought of the song.

* * *

**A/N: Song 1: Since you've been gone by Kris Delmhorst  
****Song 2: You could be happy by Snow Patrol**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: What Happened to us?**

Sara was deep in thought regarding how they got here. Not here as the hospital, or more deep like how humans came into existence. Still a complicated story, how did she and Grissom, end up almost strangers. Once happily married, the perfect couple everyone said they would last forever. But they did not. She had tried to do a postmortem on their relationship before, but she could never quite be honest with herself. What changed now? Seeing him again, seeing he had an entire different life, while hers remained relatively the same just a large gap missing. Maybe coming close to death, or at least close to seeing Grissom die brought the need on.

What was the first blow to their relationship? The first cut that started a slow bleeding that would only contribute to the end. If she had to pinpoint a time the relationship cracked, or at least the first cracks appeared was when she left after her attack. She left first, that was a fact. He had been supportive of her leaving the first time, allowing her to go fight her demons. He offered to come with her, to drop everything than, and yet she turned him down. The pain she caused him was clear than, she remembered his face when she told him no she had to do this on her own. They were her demons, not theirs, that had to be battled.

Another massive blow to the relationship, the one that started to suck the life out of them was when Warrick died. She had not been there for Grissom. She knew how much Warrick meant to Grissom, but she only appeared for the funeral and than left quickly afterwards. He needed someone, she knew that, but she could not be that someone for him at that moment in time. She was still battling her demons. Again she had hurt him, deeply. She could see he was in pain. He held someone who he loved like a son and watched them bleed out, while the man responsible stood with them. Grissom had not known at the time the man responsible was the same man who supposedly came to help. Nick had told her about how Grissom had been covered in Warricks blood, how he did not once see Grissom break down until the funeral. Sara had not seen it either, she had broken down and Grissom just held her. They had fought when she told him she was leaving again after the funeral. It had been a battle that she said things she wish she could take back. Grissom could not possibly have felt as bad as she did, but she knew better now, and than. Grissom was suffering, but he was trying to be there for her. Be what she needed. She invited him to leave with her, but he never did choose. That hurt her, she invited him to come with her, and he choose to stay. Originally she believed it was to find the people responsible for Warrick, but he did that and yet he stayed in Vegas.

Though he tried to seek out that comfort he needed, shortly after he had came to find her in Costa Rica. It seemed almost as if all of the cracks were being repaired. The blood flow staunch and their relationship was patched together and healing. In reality, they had only put Band-Aids over bullet holes. Neither of them knew it at the time, but they had grown apart. Or she had grown apart from him. She no longer needed him, and he still needed her. He was burned out, tired of it all, and just wanted something to latch onto. No that is not true, she chastised herself. He loved her, completely. He had once told her that he knew when the relationship ended she would be the one to end it because he did not think he could walk away from her ever. Yet he was only partly true, he sent the divorce papers not her.

What was the death blow to their relationship? Paris? He had a life there. Found himself again in a second career. It was his turn to start to repair his own personal damage. He had put it on hold to be with her, to help her as she grew away from him in Costa Rica. She only lost herself in Paris. He was Sabrina from that old movie named after the main character, Harrison Ford had made a more modern version of it. He found himself, and Sara lost herself. There was nothing for her in Paris once the newness wore off. She had always had a purpose in life. Get great grades so she could get away from the cycle of the system and go to college, in college it was to get great grades and learn everything she could, as an adult it was to be the best CSI she could be, than back to fight the demons she left, and in Paris it was nothing. No purpose. She felt like she was dying, losing everything that mattered to her. Losing the progress she had made when she fought her demons and went to Costa Rica. She could not do that for any man, even Grissom.

She could not forget the look on his face when she told him she was going back to Vegas to work. He was not ready, the residual pain was still there in his eyes. No Grissom was not whole again. She had left him again because she needed to be her. He was less understanding this time. Words were spoken between both of them that neither of them could take back, no matter how much they wanted to. She remembered being so angry, she tried to hurt him. Tried to make him show some feelings, and she remembered the look when she succeed. That look haunted her at times. That moment may have been the last act of their relationship. It was not the very end. They had talked, apologized to each other, promised to try to make the relationship work. That fight though was the breaking point for their relationship.

The true end, from a historical point of view, was the day she signed the divorce papers. He had called her from his work site. She knew something was wrong, if she was honest they knew a lot had been wrong for a long time, but neither of them knew how to work on it. How to work it out with the divide between them. His explanation she interpreted as a blow off. It sounded like the old cliché if you love something let it go. If she was honest with herself, she did not really listen to him. He tried to explain to her, but over the phone? Better than email maybe? At least it was not a text message. He finished the conversation, she remembered with a quote from Stephen King. An author they both secretly loved to read:

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.

He told her he could not hold her back anymore and he could not keep hurting her. She deserved to live life to the fullest, and not be tied to him. She deserved to be with someone who was present in her life. They were growing apart and maybe that had been for the better. That was when he told her the divorce papers would be arriving in a few days. She could have whatever she wanted. All he asked was for her to allow some movers to pack his stuff and he'd store it somewhere until he settled somewhere.

At the time she had been hurt, beyond anything he had done to hurt her before. It was like ending their relationship had little meaning to him, as if he felt nothing. He was a bastard, a coward, and every other word she could think of that had a negative connotation.

"Earth to Sara." Brass said looking at the CSI he had just been calling to, but she seemed to be lost in thought.

"Sorry." Sara said frowning. "I was thinking."

"We could see." Catherine said.

"You ok kiddo?" Brass asked.

"Yeah." Sara smiled.

"I was surprised to see you were still here." Catherine stated her anger showing through, not at Sara, at least Sara didn't think so, more at Grissom.

"I just wanted to make sure he was ok."

"Where is he?" Brass asked.

"Still in with the doctor. He's been to x-ray, I think they did a CT for his head. They are stitching him up now."

"He didn't want you in the room with him?" Catherine asked.

"I just wanted to wait outside. Give him some privacy."

Brass walked over to the room Sara had indicated Grissom was in. He knocked on the door and walked in. "How much longer doctor?"

"Not much." The doctor answered once he saw Brass's badge.

"Good I still need to take his statement." Brass said looking at his friends battered body. Grissom was on the table without a shirt on. His hand holding an ice pack to his right side which was badly bruised. "How you feeling Gil?"

"Like I got the beat up." Grissom responded not with anger, but simply a statement.

"Catherine is outside, she is here to hear your statement in case there is any more evidence." Brass was a bit more gentler now seeing the damage to Grissom's body, "Not that we think we will need it. The gunman has been pretty forthcoming on what happened, but you know the job."

Catherine walked in behind Brass, "Wow you look like shit."

"Thanks."

"Serves you right for not telling anyone you were coming to town, and for not calling. You know we found out about your divorce from Sara."

"Sorry." Grissom responded through clinched teeth. He may not be completely numb, he could feel the needle moving, but he wanted out of there. Allowing the doctor to numb the area more would require at least 10 more minutes of being stuck in the hospital.

"You should be."

"Tell us how you really feel Cath." Brass said laughing. He knew Grissom probably deserved all of her anger and much more, but looking at the poor guy he looked like he also needed a break. "How about you go grab some coffee for everyone?" Brass asked.

"Send the woman how sexist." Catherine said.

"I'm an old school cop after all." Brass joked, "Please."

"Ok. But we are not done Grissom." She said pointing at him threateningly.

Grissom's response was to lower his head. He was tired, and he did not want to go through all of this not right now. He was just too exhausted and in too much pain, too vulnerable.

"Seems like you got a few people upset with you. Besides the person who did this to you." The doctor said gently raising Grissom's head to finish stitching.

"yeah." Was all the response the doctor received from Grissom.

"I'm almost done." The doctor said gently.

Brass watched his friend. He looked beaten. Not in the sense that he had been physically beaten, but emotionally beaten. "So what is going on with you and your student?"

"What?" Grissom asked annoyance reaching his voice.

"Are you sweet on her?" Brass asked directly.

"no. not really." Grissom responded instantly.

"What do you mean?" Brass asked.

"I care about Jade. Yes that is true." Grissom said, "But I don't think I care about her like I do" Grissom caught himself using the present tense and quickly added "did for Sara."

"Than how?" Brass asked.

"Probably more of a friend or even a daughter. I don't know. I don't want to have sex with her." Grissom said, he didn't right, no the idea of sex with Jade just felt wrong.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Grissom growled his answer.

The doctor was done now. "I'll leave you two to your conversation. I'll bring your admittance papers once we find a room."

"I won't be staying." Grissom said. "Bring me discharge papers please."

"I don't advise that. Your concussion is bad enough to warrant overnight observation."

"I'll be fine. I don't want to stay here."

"Ok." The doctor said, "I'll need you to sign papers that you left against doctors orders."

"that's fine." Grissom said.

"Will there be someone to keep an eye on you?"

"I'll find someone." Grissom said knowing there were very few people willing to volunteer right now. He had fucked up big time with his former friends. He knew that, but could you blame him. The reception he got, while mostly his own fault, only supported the idea that Sara got Vegas in the divorce.

"Don't worry Doctor I am sure there are enough of us around to keep an eye on him." Brass said.

"Ok. He needs to rest." The doctor stated pausing before he continued, "So whatever problems you all have should probably wait a day or two. He needs to rest his brain."

"No problem Doctor." Brass said realizing it would be a bit of a problem for someone, Catherine.

"Good." The doctor left the room leaving Brass and Grissom alone.

"Where is Jade?" Brass asked.

"With Greg, probably at the lab." Grissom responded.

"So you two never have."

"Jesus really Jim. No I have never slept with her." Grissom responded feeling his blood pumping faster through his body, anger was the emotion he was feeling most right now. He could feel each heartbeat as a ping of pain in his head.

"Ok." Jim said raising his hands at his friend.

"You know she'd probably try to kick your ass just for inferring that she and I have ever been intimate." Grissom responded trying to calm himself down.

"I knew I liked that girl for some reason." Brass said smiling at his friend.

* * *

"I heard he had a young girl with him." Catherine stated more as a question wanting more information.

"If the him you are referring to is Grissom than yes." Sara said. "He claims she's his student."

"But you don't believe that?"

"I don't know what I believe." Sara said, "Nor do I really have the right to believe. We are no longer married. He is a free man."

"You were his student once."

"I know Catherine." Sara said letting some anger show through. "Sorry." She immediately apologized, "It's just been a long day."

"No I'm sorry." Catherine spoke, "I just am so angry with that man."

"I know, but take an easy on him. He's hurting right now." Never mind the trauma he went through today, Sara added slightly in her head.

"How are you holding up?" Catherine asked softly.

"I'm fine."

" Really?" Catherine let her skepticism sound through in her follow up question.

"It is weird seeing him again and being around him." Sara said, "But we are different people now. I am not the same woman who came to Vegas smitten with the great Gilbert Grissom. I am stronger than I was. "

"Ok. If you need to talk..." Catherine offered knowing it was unlikely Sara would take her up on it.

Sara smiled at Catherine and paid for the four cups of coffee. "Do me a favor."

"What is that?"

"Go easy on Gris when you guys are taking his statement."

"I'll do my best. You sitting in?"

"If he lets me." Sara answered.

* * *

"This is the DNA lab. I used to be stuck here before Grissom gave me a chance to become a CSI."

"Really?" Jade asked enjoying the tour she was getting from Greg. Probably because she was around Greg, the lab itself was boring.

"Yeah. He and Sara trained me."

"Can I ask you a unrelated question?" Jade asked making sure the room was empty.

"Shoot."

"Does everyone think I am Grissom's, umm…, special friend?" She asked pausing at the end of the sentence to figure out the best word.

"Why do you ask?" Greg asked.

"Well some folks have been whispering at each other and looking at me. And there were a few hints in questions I received from Sara and some others."

"Honestly, probably."

"Oh my god." She said, "Sorry I know so sorority girl like of me. But really?"

"Yeah." Greg said wincing for her.

"Well you have to tell them hell no." Jade said mortified at the idea. "He's not my type. And he is old. And he is my mentor. And I do not get ahead by sleeping with the boss."

"Ok there tiger. Calm down." Greg said laughing at her reaction. He felt better hearing it himself. "It just you two are close. Grissom does not get close to people often."

"Neither do I. But he's different"

"How?"

"If I tell you, you keep it to yourself?" She asked wondering why she was going to trust someone she barely knew with something that mattered a lot to her. Oh yeah because Greg might just be her type after all.

"Sure."

"There have not been many people who have cared about me." Jade said, "Very few people who gave a crap what I did with my life or if I was alive or dead, or you get the point." Jade was looking at the floor afraid to look up at Greg. She cared about his opinion, that made about two people in the world who she truly cared what they thought. While some would interpret her caring that people thought she was sleeping with Grissom as a sign that she cared what other thoughts, they would be wrong. That bothered her because she did not want anyone thinking Grissom was some dirty old bastard taking advantage of her. He was a good man, one of the best men she had ever known.

"Yes." Greg said looking at the woman before him finding it hard to believe that anyone could know her and not care. She just made you care, she had this presences. He wanted to reach down and pull her head up so she could see he was being sincere, but she had warned him the night before when he offered to help her walk back to the room because she was intoxicated, she had a problem with people touching her or touching others. It just made her feel a weird sensation. She could not describe it to him.

"Doc does care. He might have been the first person to care." She said, "It started out academically. Probably after he first meant my mother. She is a character, to put it gently."

"Do you think he feels the same way you do?"

"Yeah. I doubt Doc thinks of me like people think. I am sure it's more as a mentor."

"Ok." Greg said, "People will come around eventually."

"I don't care about people. Well other than they think I am sleeping with Doc." She added a few seconds later, "He is a good man not some jerk who sleeps with students."

"Don't worry they'll all will remember that eventually. Everyone is just mad at him because he disappeared on us." Greg soothed her or tried to.

"Another question?" S he asked since it was unrelated to the lab.

"Shoot."

"What is the story between Doc and Sara? They were married at some point?"

"Yes." Greg answered. Not sure if he wanted to answer the question, who was he kidding it was a chance to gossip with someone who did not know the entire story of the once epic couple of the Vegas crime lab. "Follow me to the break room where I will fill you in on all I know."

Jade smiled, she knew it was wrong to go behind Doc's back to get answers, but damn it she wanted answers. Doc had done something similar when her mother had been in town.

* * *

"Why did you leave the conference room?" Catherine asked because she had to know why Gil was such an idiot.

"I was worried about others." Grissom responded, unwilling to admit he was worried about Sara and Jade.

Catherine followed up with the question hoping to shed some light on the stupidity that was Grissom, "So you went to search for what victims?"

"yes." Grissom lied. It was a small lie, it wouldn't matter.

"That was stupid." Brass said looking at his friend.

"I know."

"When did you run into the gunman?" Brass asked taking over all of the questions.

"In the lecture room. I thought maybe Sara or Jade were in there since I had not seen them in the conference room. It was 10 minutes before Jade's talk was to begin. I thought maybe some folks would be in there."

"But the gunman was?"

"He showed up. Yes."

"Than what?"

"I raised my hands, he asked me where everyone was…" Gil continued to relay the story up until the point the gun was tapped to his head.

"So most of the damage came from the beating?" Catherine asked noticing that Sara who choose to sit next to Grissom on the examination table because there were no other seats in the room. Sara had her arm around Grissom gently rubbing his shoulder. She was trying to comfort him.

"Yes. I think so." Grissom said, "The cut on the back of my head was probably made worse by the gun. He kept digging it into my head while we were walking around." He noticed Sara's gestures towards him, and it made him feel worse because she was being so kind to him, and he probably did not deserve it.

"What else happened?"

Grissom moved his hand to his head to rub his eyes, his head was hurting. It felt like if he could just drill a few holes the pressure would come steaming out like it does in cartoons.

"Can we continue this later?" Grissom asked gently. "My head really hurts."

Catherine looked at Brass to answer, "I guess. Just one more question." Brass said, "Did he tell you why he looking for Dylan and Judith?"

"Yes." Grissom answered, telling the rest of the story behind why the gunman was looking for the two UNLV faculty members.

"Ok that is it for now. We can pick up again tomorrow?" Brass asked Grissom.

"Sure."

Brass's phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He excused himself to step out to take the call.

"Have they given you anything for the headache?" Sara asked softly.

"Not yet." Grissom said trying not to groan in pain. It was hurting, the questions were not helping, nor the glares from Catherine.

"How about if I turn the lights down while we wait on the discharge papers. Will that help?"

"I think so." Grissom answered.

Sara got up and turned the lights down. "I'm going to go check on those papers and maybe some aspirin and a clean shirt and pants for you."

"Thanks." Grissom said, but his face told a different story. His eyes were pleading with Sara not to leave him with Catherine.

"You'll be fine." She said noticing the look.

Catherine waited for Sara to leave before she started in on Grissom, she was gentle or as gentle as she could be. "We are lucky."

Grissom asked, "Why?"

"You did not lose your recent memory with the concussion."

"It is only one of the many possible side effects of a concussion. While statistically it occurs more often than almost any of the other side effects." Grissom paused, "I am also sure it has something to do with the entire event. Kind of memorable."

Catherine shook her head she knew Grissom was trying to lecture her, but she wasn't going to have it, "You are also one lucky SOB."

"I know." Grissom said assuming she was talking about him surviving today.

Catherine knew that was what he assumed, "She is still taking care of your sorry ass after all you did."

"Catherine please not now." Grissom responded more of a plea than a request, and he hated that it sounded like a plea. "I understand you all are mad at me, and probably have every right to be, but please another time when my brain is not trying to implode."

"Probably… no we have every right to be mad Gris. You took off and did not even bother to call. You came to town and told no one. You left Sara. You left all of us."

"I know." Grissom almost shouted his pain showing through. "Can you just trust I had my reasons."

"No I cannot. what were your reasons?" Catherine asked a bit more gentler. She really was trying to be understanding, it just was not part of who she was.

" I am not sleeping with Jade if that is why you are also angry at me. I never would. It is not like that." Grissom said. "I have not really been with anyone important since Sara."

"Since you brought it up." Catherine said ready to shift tracks in the conversation, "You want me to believe you have not slept with anyone in how many years?"

"There were the meaningless one night stands."

"Sex without love?" Catherine challenged him remembering one of his rants about sex should mean something.

"Yes. But not with Jade or anyone that really mattered." Grissom said. "I may have married a younger woman, but never that young."

"Why now?"

"Why what?"

"Why have meaningless one night stands now?" Catherine asked, truly curious about the change in her friend, or someone she once called friend.

Grissom sighed, he did not want to share, but he wanted her to shut up. He would later blame him being so open on the concussion, "Because I knew I would never love anyone else again."

"Wait what?" Catherine said surprised by his answer.

"I knew there would never be anyone to take Sara's place."

"So why did you leave her if you knew that?"

"Because we could not continue the way we were nor do I think we could have fixed it. She deserves better. She deserved to be happy. To be with someone who could fully be with her, openly. That's not me." Grissom said, "You know that's not me."

"Gris. You are the stupidest bastard I've ever meant."

"I know." Grissom replied. "Can we please pick this up again later."

"I am only giving in because you look like you are about ready to throw up all over me."

"I am you might want to get the garbage can." Grissom said feeling his stomach role again. There was nothing left for him to throw up, but that was not going to stop him.

"here." She said quickly handing him the small trash can.

Grissom gagged over the can, bile erupting from him.

Catherine moved to sit next to him and gently rubbed his back while he continued to heave. "Sorry."

"No I'm sorry Cath." He said after he finished heaving, "I heard Lindsey was away at college?"

"Yes. She is doing well. She is pre-law believe it or not. Wants to become a lawyer maybe a judge someday."

"Good for her."

Sara walked back into the room noticing the two friends sitting by each other. "Everything ok?"

"Gris just got sick is all. To be expected."

"Drink some water." Sara said handing him a bottle of water, "Coffee probably was not a good idea."

"No it wasn't." Grissom agreed. Coffee and headaches did not go well together. Grissom cup was still sitting untouched. Anyone who suffered from frequent headaches and migraines knew that coffee should be avoided when the pain started or even hinted at starting, any stimulant really should be avoided.

Grissom drank the cool water letting it calm his painful throat.

Sara said handing Grissom a pair of clean scrubs, "You should put those on so Catherine and Brass can take your clothes into evidence."

"Thanks."

"Sara can you handle taking his clothes into evidence?" Catherine asked giving Sara a chance at an out if she wished, but she thought it best Sara help Grissom since they had once been intimate. It was less embarrassing for him.

"Yes." Sara said moving out of the door to let Catherine through. "Do you have evidence bags?"

"In my case over there."

"Thanks Catherine." Grissom said softly as she left the room.

"Do you umm need help?" Sara asked.

"I don't think so." He said not sure himself. He got up slowly keeping his hand on the bed as he felt the world spin.

Sara grabbed his arm in support, "You ok?"

"Will be once the world stops spinning." Grissom replied trying not to sound pathetic.

Grissom slowly pulled the remains of his button up off his body, he had pulled it back on when Sara and Catherine came in to take his statement with Brass. He pulled the scrubs after dropping the shirt into the evidence bag. Sara helped him gently get the shirt over his head, so as to not disturb the stiches on his forehead or the back of his head.

"Thanks." He mumbled softly as his hands moved down to his pants. "Just the pants right?" He asked almost pleading.

"yeah." Sara said noticing the plea in his voice. She wanted to say boxers too just to make him uncomfortable, but that would just be cruel.

Slipping out of his pants, his hand quickly moved back to the table as another wave of dizziness came over him.

"You ok?"

"Yeah." Grissom responded grabbing the scrub pants off the table and gently putting them on.

Sara saw the bruises on his legs and frowned. She pictured him curled up in a ball trying to protect his body while he was mercilessly hit and kicked by the gunman.

"It is really better than it looks." Grissom said noticing her staring at him.

"I thought Catherine wanted to get more photos?"

"I think she is willing to wait until tomorrow. All of the bruises will be out in beautiful colors."

"Well you know black and blue are this seasons colors." Sara joked with him.

Grissom laughed, wincing and grabbing his ribs as he did.

"Sorry."

"No it really was funny." Grissom said smiling at her despite the pain. He wanted to tell her he missed her, but he didn't. No he couldn't. She was moving on, he was not going to ruin that, he loved her too much to hurt her again. All he brought was pain, it may be the only thing he had to offer.

"Your mother has been texting me today."

"Shit." Grissom said.

"Yeah she is very upset you did not tell her you were in town. That she had to find out from the news, especially given what also was included in the news."

"Did you tell her I was fine?"

"I told her you were alive." Sara said doubting he was fine.

"Thank you." He said, "I'll try to contact her later."

"Gris."

"Yes." He said pulling on a new pair of shoes Catherine had brought with her for him.

"Why did you not tell anyone you were coming to town?" Sara asked wanting to know. The anger that had been present in their earlier conversation had dissipated. It was hard to be angry with him when he looked like he did: lost, in pain, vulnerable.

"I thought it was easier for everyone."

"For you?"

"Yes." He said, "What can I say I'm a coward. I knew everyone was likely upset with me over what happened."

"What?"

"Us getting divorced, me not staying in contact." He was truly vulnerable, and they all seemed to be taking advantage of it.

"Why did you not contact anyone ever?"

"I thought it would be easier."

"For who? You?"

"No." He said feeling some anger building up he snapped at her, "For you. If no one talked about me, about us, you could move on. Find someone better." He answered honestly avoiding looking at her because he did not want to know what she was thinking or feeling.

"oh." It was all she could say, she knew he was telling the truth by his reactions.

Brass choose that moment to walk into the room. "Bad news."

"What?" Grissom asked looking at Brass with maybe fear.

"I doubt you'll want to go back to the hotel."

"Why?" Grissom said almost groaning all he wanted was to curl up in bed and sleep.

"The press has started to camp out at the place. Seems like you are a hero." Jim said frowning at his friend.

"Can't I go in the back way?"

"You could but they are already calling the room, and some are already outside the room according to the hotel staff."

"Can I check into another hotel or room?"

"You could but I am pretty sure word will get out."

Sara frowned, she knew what she was about to offer was something she was not entirely sure she wanted to offer, "He could stay with me."

"What about Jade?" Grissom said.

"I turned the study into a backup guest room. She can stay in there." Sara was already regretting her offer since Grissom brought up Jade. Now she was almost certain that Jade was Sara version 2.0.

"We cannot."

"It was your house too." Sara said, "It is only for what a few days?"

"Maybe a couple of weeks." Brass said wincing at the look he got from Sara, "If the gunman takes it to trial, and there is every reason to believe he is going to from what he has been saying. Both need to testify, statements have to be made, and it looks like the gunman is going to press for a speedy trial. So there is no reason for them to fly back to wherever and than come back."

"The offer still stands." Sara said glaring at Brass.

"We can find somewhere else." Grissom said.

"Find somewhere else what?" Catherine asked.

"Somewhere else to stay for a couple of weeks." Brass said, "Hotel is overrun with press."

"What about one Sam's hotels?" Catherine said even though they were technically her hotels after her fathers death, it felt weird to call them hers.

"I thought about that, but I am pretty sure someone will leak it because well Gil is a commodity right now with the news."

"You are probably right." Catherine said. "I'd offer you a spot, but Lindsay is coming home in a few days for Spring break with some friends so I have a full house."

Brass added, "I got a two bedroom, but the second bedroom is a study."

"Come on Grissom it's fine. It won't kill either of us to have to share the same roof for a bit." Sara said, "You don't have to worry I am not going to fall madly in love with you again. Been there done that, and all I got was a crappy t-shirt." She joked at the end but she could see the words hurt him.

"Ok." Gil said feeling every word Sara just said. He deserved it, he had hurt her. "Can you tell Greg and Jade about the changes?" Gil said looking at Catherine.

"Yes no problem. I'll have Greg drop her off after shift." Catherine turned to Sara, "I guess this means you get tonight off with pay to keep an eye on Gil. Did you get the doctors orders?"

"Yes they are here in the discharge papers I got from the nurses station for Gil to sign." Sara said, "But can one of you take him to my house? I need to go grocery shopping. I don't think I have anything in the fridge or cabinets. I've mostly been eating out."

"I can take him." Brass said, "How about you also stop by the hotel while you are out and get him all checked out? I assume Jade can check herself out."

"Sure." Sara said not sure how comfortable she was packing Grissom's stuff.

"Why don't we just.." Gil started to speak but was stopped by Brass.

"I am not getting in the mess of the TV cameras and you need to rest doctors order. Sara can pack your stuff. Won't be the first time she folded your clothes."

"That's is settled than. Can I get a ride from you Sara? I came with Brass." Catherine asked having a motive for wanting to ride with Sara.

"Yeah no problem. You can help me pack Grissom's stuff."

* * *

On the way back from the hotel to the lab, Catherine finally decided it was time to talk to Sara about Grissom. "You know Grissom and Jade are not seeing each other."

"How do you know?" Sara asked hating herself for caring.

"I asked him."

"He could be lying."

"He wasn't."

"They are close."

"He see's her more as a daughter he thinks."

"He thinks?" Sara asked, "So he's not sure how he feels about her?"

"No he is sure, he just is not sure how to label it." Catherine said looking at Sara. "Did you two ever talk about his childhood?"

"No." Sara said. They talked about her childhood, but Grissom always said his was ancient history when she tried to ask. She knew his father was dead, died when he was young. His mother had been not been able to hear since he was a child. He considered himself a ghost in high school, and he never quite fit in at school no matter what grade he was in. "He talked to you about his childhood?" Sara asked almost angry that Grissom would tell Catherine something so personal but not her.

"Not really no. I tried many of times using a lot of liquor." Catherine said with a smile on her face remembering that not. "I got him really drunk one night. Believe it or not he talks a lot more when he is drunk. He is much more open ten shots in. What I know comes from gossiping with Brass and cryptic words from Grissom."

Sara asked curious about Grissom. She knew there was something in his past. People like Grissom don't just happen. He had a kind heart, he hid it well, but he would do anything for those he loved. His disappearing and not calling was not completely out of character, he forgot sometimes that you had to communicate with those you cared about, but just because he didn't call did not mean he did not still care about everyone. This was especially true whenever he came across a new puzzle he had to figure out whether it be a crime to be solved, a book to be written, or whatever he was passionate about at that time.

"Keep it to yourself?" Catherine asked.

"Yes." Sara said still kind of hurt she was learning something from Catherine and had never learned it from her husband. Highlighting only one of the many problems they had as a couple.

"Before your time there was a case that Grissom took really bad. He was a pain to work with while he was working it. Long story short a father was beating his kid, so bad that the kid was in a coma. Grissom found out that at one time the father had beat the mom, but eventually she stopped doing anything and let him take everything out on the son. Grissom punched the guy and tried to beat him half to death."

"Really?" Sara said seeing that move so against who Grissom was.

"Yes. Brass had to pull Grissom off the guy after the son died because of the injuries inflicted."

"What happened?"

"Brass said the man fell and kept everything hush hush." Catherine said, "Of course I was pissed at the time because well Grissom was getting away with a significant violation." Catherine continued to explain, "Brass told me when Grissom started to be a huge pain in the ass over the case, he took a glance through Gil's medical file. There was evidence of multiple traumas in childhood. "

"No one ever asked Grissom about it?" Sara asked.

"And tell him Brass, though he had the right, invaded his privacy?"

"Point taken." Sara said understanding that would only have made Gil even worse to deal with.

"That is not all. You have heard the same cryptic talk. He was a ghost in high school. He spent a lot of his time as a child alone."

"Probably because he was a bit of a creepy kid. He did autopsy on animals." Sara added knowing she would have found him creepy, and she had been a messed up kid herself.

"I don't think the only reason that other kids did not want to play with him was because of the autopsy. After his father died, his mom checked out. She was already deaf by than and I think she relied on Grissom a lot, to be the man of the house. To help take care of things and she was very much about him studying a lot, so he could grow up to be a great professor like his father."

"I get your point Catherine." Sara said taking in the information, "I understand, and I already knew he's not an unfeeling bastard." Sara said.

" I think he still truly cares about you Sara, but he is terrified of telling you. It makes him vulnerable to you. I think he was taught not to show emotions. Real scientist don't need emotions. They get in the way of research, they bias results. Sciences is being logical rational, and emotions are neither. He feels them, but he hides them so deep down. I am sure he feels them more than you or I can understand, but he has to limit who and what he feels them for because they would take over everything. That was why he was so afraid to start up a relationship with you. When, and he was sure it was a when, you left him you would rip him to pieces. The reason he left you I do not completely understand."

Catherine paused to let Sara take everything in. "Today I asked him to explain himself and he told me, he left you because he kept hurting you. He wanted you to find someone better than him, someone who could be with you, completely open to you." Catherine once again let the information sink in, "I am not telling you this because I hope you and Grissom get back together. I think since you opened your home to him, you deserve to understand why he left, why he is who he is. I do not expect you to take him back. I wouldn't if I were you. He's messed up but he could have talked to you. He could have tried to fight for what you had, and he chooses not to. But I can tell you he still cares about you, and he is not sleeping with his graduate student and does not want to. He just is not sure how he feels about her because he does not know what a father's role should be, he never got to see an example."

"Don't take the sorry bastard back. I think he is correct about one thing." Catherine added.

"Why is that?" Sara asked.

"You are much better off without him."

* * *

It was almost two hours later when Sara finally showed up at her townhouse. Sara walked in carrying one bag of groceries her thoughts had been floating around what Catherine had told her on the ride to the lab.

"Hey Kiddo" Brass said grabbing a bag from Sara, "More out in the car?"

"Yeah. But I can get them."

"Nonsense let me help you." Brass said walking back outside with Sara to grab the last two bags.

"Where is Grissom?"

"Asleep in the guest room. I had to practically drag him from the car to the room." He did not tell her about the lecture he gave Grissom before he let the Gil go to sleep. A warning, Jim called it, if Grissom hurt Sara again, Jim would make today look like a walk in the park. He knew where to hide bodies where they would never be found, he warned his friend. In fact it may be better if Grissom kept to his idea that Sara was better off without him.

"Have you been waking him up each hour?"

"Yes. He is a grouchy bastard. You sure you want to handle him? No one would blame you if you choose to tell him to take a hike. I am sure there is somewhere else they could go."

"No it's fine Jim." Sara said smiling at her friend.

"Ok. Do you mind if I stay for awhile, just to make sure everything is ok?" Brass asked, he did not wan to leave her with the grouch.

"Sure you want to stay for a late dinner?"

"Depends what are you making?"

"Well I grabbed a meat lovers and a veggie pizza." Sara added, "Greg and Jade are going to drop by on dinner break."

"I'm in." Brass said, "You have some anti-acids?"

"Of course." Sara said laughing, "Battling it early?"

"Only way this old fool is going to get sleep tonight."

Sara finished putting up the groceries telling Jim to go relax and watch TV while she finished putting up groceries. He listened to her having had a long day himself. She walked out into the living room with a beer and a bottle of water in her had. "For you" S he said handing him a beer.

"My brand even." Jim grinned.

"I think any beer is your brand after a day like today."

"You got me."

"When was the last time you woke him up?"

Looking at his watch Jim replied, "About 50 minutes ago."

"I'll wake him up next time." Sara said the information about Grissom's past still weighing on her conscious. "Can I ask you something about Gil?"

"Maybe."

"Do you know much about his childhood?"

"Catherine told you." Brass frowned, "I never should have been gossiping with her one night at work when I was the night shift supervisor. Before your time. Grissom had a bad night, he lost his temper on everyone. I assigned him a domestic. I did not understand the tin man was acting up. I read his medical file, as I had access to it, and noticed a lot of injuries in his childhood." Brass paused, "He really never told you anything?"

Sara's response was to ignore the question, "I better go wake him up." She was upset that no one had ever told her, not even Grissom. If she was honest, she was also upset for Grissom who had his privacy invaded without even knowing it.

"I'll put the pizzas in."

Sara walked to the guest room that was across the hall from the master bedroom. She knocked on the door before she entered. She smiled, she always loved watching Grissom sleep. He looked innocent, childlike in his sleep, it took all of her power not to walk over and run her hand through his hair. He had loved that, and she would do it often for him when he had a migraine. He was under the covers an arm over his eyes, his other arm laid across his body holding an ice pack to his side.

Moving across the room to sit on the bed she gently called his name, "Gil wake up." Sara said before she touched his arm over his eyes.

He grumbled at her touch and gently turned into her, clearly mindful of his injures even in his sleep. This likely indicated he still felt pain. Sara frowned, "Come Gil I need you to open your eyes and move your arm from your eyes."

"Go away." Gil grumbled.

"Nope." Sara said gently moving his arm.

Gil felt a soft warm hand on his arm, gently moving it away from his face, than another hand gently run over his forehead down to his cheek. Opening his eyes he saw Sara sitting over him. He felt his breath catch at the site of her.

"Hey sleepy head."

"What time is it?"

"It's a little after 9 pm." She said, "Do you think you could wake up for a bit and eat?"

"Not hungry." Gil said.

"I know you not but you need to eat." Sara said softly.

"Ok." Gil said not wanting to be a pain. Not just because Brass threatened to kill him and make him disappear again, but because Sara had opened her house to him and Jade. She did not have to, should not have.

"How are you feeling?" She said softly not wanting to cause him more pain.

"Head hurts."

"Did you take your medicine."

"I don't remember."

"I'll ask Brass."

"He's still here."

"Yes." Sara answered looking down at Gil.

"He is protective of you, that is good." Gil said for no reason.

Sara thought the comment was weird, but she decided it was likely because Gil's head was scrambled "I have your stuff out in the living room. "

"Thanks."

"I also texted Greg and he is bringing Jade over for dinner. She is enjoying her time at the lab."

"Good. I hope it helps with her research project."

"You can probably sleep for 30 more minutes before they get here."

"Ok." He said reaching up and touching her arm, "Thank you Sara."

"It's no problem Gil." Sara got up and stopped from leaving the room, "You may want to call your mom."

"I will." Gil said, "Do you know where my cellphone is?"

"No. I'll ask Brass. Get some rest first. You can call her tomorrow. I'll text her to let her know you are resting."

"I should probably call tonight."

"Rest Gil." Sara ordered, "She will be fine. S he knows you are alive and breathing that is enough."

"ok." Gil said pulling the blanket further up over his head. He was back to sleep before Sara left the room.

When she reached the living room Brass was where she left him, "How is he?"

"Tired and in pain." Sara answered, "Did he take his pills?"

"Yes at the hospital." Brass answered.

"How often can he take them?"

"Don't know. It's on the bottle."

Sara walked over and looked at the bottle of pain pills. It said every four hours. She calculated he probably had 2 hours left before he could take another.

"He give you any problem?" Brass asked not taking his eyes from the television he was watching some sports highlight show.

"No." Sara said, "Was not grouchy with me."

Brass just smiled and took a swig of his beer.

Sara remembered the comment Grissom had made to her about Brass being protective of her. That statement couple with Brass's reaction made her suspicious, "What did you do to him Jim?"

"Me nothing" Brass said now more interested than he should have been in the sports show. It was discussing a recent win by an English Premier League team in the Championship league that had been a major comeback (go red devils). Jim did not like soccer. So he should not be as interested as he appeared.

"What did you say to him?" Sara corrected herself knowing Jim did something.

"I might have warned him to be nice to you and not hurt you again."

"Jim."

"What I am just looking out for you. Gil is your kryptonite."

"I can handle him myself." Sara said looking up when she heard someone stumbling down the hallway. It was Grissom clearly not very stable on his feet at the moment. "Gil what are you doing up?"

"I…" He started to talk but stopped looking very pale.

Sara rushed over to him as he fell to his knees dry heaving with nothing but saliva coming out of his mouth.

"Brass get me the bucket out of the kitchen hurry." She said not knowing if Gil would eventually vomit.

She rubbed her hand on his back again in soothing circles, "it's ok. Just try to breathe through your nose. Try to slow your breathing Gil."

He was trying to listen to her. He finally got himself under control and moved away from her in such a way it looked as if her hand burnt his back.

"Sorry." Gil said not looking at Sara as he now sat huddled against the wall as far from her as he could get.

"No reason to be sorry Grissom. It is to be expected." Sara said thinking he was apologizing for almost vomiting in her hallway.

"no about the saliva. I know how much you hate it." Grissom said looking at her finally.

"It's no problem Grissom. Not the first time I had your saliva on me." Sara laughed remembering how she ranted about how disgusting saliva was.

"Let's get you off the floor this cannot be good for your knees." Sara said standing up and offering him a hand. She felt like she practically pulled him up onto his feet.

"Can I take a shower?" He asked her leaning on the wall so he would not have to touch her.

"Gil you can barely stand."

"I still have blood on me." He almost whined, "And I fill the grime from the day."

"How about a bath?"

"Whatever makes you happy." He said checking Brass because he knew his tone had been more angrier than he had meant it.

Brass just glared at him in warning.

Sara walked over to him and slipped under his arm, "Let me help you to the bathroom and I'll start a bath for you." She looked at Jim, "You go get us a bottle of water I left in the room. He needs some fluids in him."

"Yes Ma'am." Brass joked walking past them to the guest room.

"Why are all men pains in the butt?" Sara asked not expecting an answer.

Gil tried to think of a smartass comment, but settled with a "Sorry honey."

"Don't call me that." Sara snapped at the use of the term of endearment he had used with her a lot.

"Sorry." Gil answered feel the full brunt of the comment. It was a habit, he had called her it so many times before.

"Sorry I snapped." Sara said setting him down on the toilet. "It's been a long day for everyone."

Gil said, "If you want I can just wait until I'm more steady on my feet."

"No we got in here. You are probably right after a bath you'll feel better." Sara said, "Plus it gives me time to put the ice pack back in the freezer. I grabbed another one for your head at the store too."

Gil said nothing he watched her turn the water on and than walk out of the room. He did not ask her where she was going. Brass walked in with the water and handed it to Gil who took the cap off and started taking small sips to make Sara happy.

Sara returned with a pair of Gil's pajamas. It was his flannel pants and a plain white t-shirt. "I hope these are ok." She said handing Gil the clothes.

"Thank you." He said softly.

"Brass go watch TV and keep an eye on the pizza." Sara ordered, "Gil stay there let me go get a towel for you." She said rushing out of the room to grab a towel from the linen closet.

When she returned Gil had his shirt off and was working on the tie on his pants. "Do you think you can get in on your own?"

"Yes." He said not even sure himself if he could, but he was not going to ask Sara to help him.

"Call if you need anything." Sara said stepping outside and closing the door enough so that she could hide on the other side, but keep an eye on Grissom to make sure he didn't hurt himself getting into the bath.

Gil managed to get undress and climbed into the tub with little difficulty. He seemed to have his feet under him again. She smiled as she heard him sigh out of pure happiness as he slid into the warm water.

"He ok?" Brass asked startling Sara.

"Yes." Sara said. "Now lets give him some privacy."

Saved from having to do much else, she heard the knock on the door. She rushed to the door and opened it happy to see Greg and Jade. "Come in." She said "The pizza's are almost done."

"Good I'm starving" Greg said moving past her into the house.

Jade followed behind him with her bag, a bit shy now she was going to have to stay at a strangers house. A stranger who may very well believe Jade was sleeping with her ex-husband.

"Let me show where you can put that." Sara said leading Jade to the second guest room that had formerly been her and Gil's office.

"Thank you for letting us stay here." Jade said

"No problem." Sara said.

Once they were in the guest room and out of earshot from everyone else Jade said, "I kind of want to say something, but I know it is probably way inappropriate, but I kind of need to say it."

"Ok." Sara said looking at the flustered girl.

"Doc and I have never nor will ever sleep together." Jade said, "Everyone seems to think there is something going on between him and I. There's not."

"Ok." Sara said raising one eyebrow stealing her facial expression from one Grissom had often given her when she went on a rambling spree, much like the girl in front of her now.

"I just thought you should know. I know everyone thinks there is something there, but really there isn't. I just respect him and his work."

"Ok." Sara said not sure what to say.

"Good." Jade said knowing how awkward she made everything. "And for the record he never did anything inappropriate towards me. Nor would I ever expect him to do so, nor do I think he thinks of me more than his mentee"

"I am sure he cares more about you than just being his mentee." Sara said smiling at the poor girl trying to defend Gil. Sara had once been in her shoes, though she did have feelings for Gil.

"I will just have to agree to disagree."

"No he cares about you Jade. He was quoting one of your favorite bands earlier."

"Really?" Jade said surprised.

"Snow Patrol."

Jade laughed and as predicted the girl actually did a happy dance, Sara had thought Gil was just exaggerating.

"Don't torment him about it." Sara quickly said, "I promised him I wouldn't say anything to you about it."

"Fine." Jade said, "But if he does care about me, like you hypothesize it is nothing sexual."

"Of course not." Sara said maybe actually believing it when she said it.

Greg came walking into the room with two cups of coffee, "Sara hope you don't mind I used your coffee pot to make a pot of awesome coffee." Greg handed Jade one of the coffee cups. "What are you girls in here gossiping about?"

"You." Jade joked, "You know we can't help talk about how awesome Greg is."

"Well glad someone notices it." Greg smiled at her.

"That is my cue to leave." Sara said leaving the two to joke around. She made a quick trip back towards the bathroom, she knocked on the door before she popped her head inside, "You ok in here Gris?"

There was no answer. Sara walked in completely closing the door some behind her to maintain his privacy.

Grissom was sitting in the tub, his eyes wide open looking at nothing, a few tears falling down his face.

"Gil." Sara said gently sitting down on the toilet. She reached out and gently touched his arm to rouse him from his stupor.

He blinked and looked over at her and seemed to suddenly notice there were tears on his face. Lifting one of his hands out of the water he wiped the tears from his face.

"You ok?" Sara asked worried.

"Fine." Grissom responded. "Just tired."

"Gris it's normal after what you went through to be a bit off." She said remembering what Catherine had told her. "It is ok to feel fear, anger, whatever. Something."

"I feel Sara." Grissom growled at her.

"I wasn't saying you didn't." Sara reminded herself to be patient, "I was just telling you it was ok to show emotions, to tell people what is wrong."

Grissom could not help the anger, he tired, he really did try to stop himself but he couldn't hold back one more time today. "What you want to know how I feel? You want me to tell you every emotion I am feeling."

"Anything would be a great start." Sara snapped back their voices rising enough to bring the fight to others attention.

"How about I am angry. I can still feel that fucking gun digging into the back of my head, the slight movements that made me pray that the gun did not accidently go off. How about the fear I felt when I saw two people I cared about put in danger. How I was sure he was going to kill you or Jade or both of you or possibly me. How about how it felt to curl up on the floor and do whatever I could to protect myself while he pummeled me for turning my head to see where he was at. Or best yet really fucking pissed off because all of this happened because some jerk could not keep it in his pants and I did not want to lead the gunman to a room full of innocent people. So instead I walked around with a sawed off shotgun tapped to my head. If all of that was not enough …" Grissom stopped grabbing his head as a pain shot through it, his blood pressure was definitely rising.

Brass was making his way down the hallway, where Jade and Greg already stood outside.

"You son of a bitch." Brass called at Gil, "How dare you treat her like this."

"Don't you dare walk in that room." Jade said moving in front of the door to stop Brass from entering the room. She saw the anger in his eyes, he was truly pissed off at Doc. Her body posture and own anger matched Brass's. Jade had no doubt it would be difficult, but she would take Brass down if he tried anything.

"Oh you are going to stop me."

"Try me old man. I have battled with men twice your size." Jade said anger seething through her.

Sara was next to the tub trying to sooth Grissom. Instantly she felt bad for picking a fight with him, the doctors had warned he needed to rest. She heard the commotion outside and quickly got up, "Enough." She said glaring at Brass. "It is ok." Sara said gently moving Jade out of the way. "Brass go get the pizza out of the oven."

"Sara." Brass said clearly still pissed off at Gil.

"No Jim. It was my fault I antagonized Gil. I saw he was getting upset and I kept pushing. Either way you have no reason to interfere with what is going on between us. I appreciate that you are protective of me, but I can handle Grissom. You forget I was married to the man for years."

Jim walked almost like a petulant child, clearly he was still pissed off at Grissom.

"Greg why don't you and …."

"Mind if we turn some music on?" Greg aided her to give them a task.

"Yes nothing too loud our outrageous. Gil will be joining us for dinner."

"Gotcha." Greg said ushering Jade with him. Sara heard Greg say, "I cannot believe you were going to take Brass on."

Sara returned to the bathroom to find Gil still holding his head.

"Gil are you ok?"

"Yes." He said almost in a whine.

"It is still too early for more pain medicine. What can I do to help?" Sara asked softly sitting next to him her hand running up his arm gently in hopes it soothed him.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you." Grissom said softly.

Sara could see tears were running down his face again. She was not sure if it was from pain, the fact his brain was scrambled, or something else. "It's really not that bad Gil. We've had worse screaming matches before. Remember Paris?" She said trying to move his hand. "Come on time to get out the water is getting cold."

Gil sat there a few minutes longer just breathing.

"Come on." She said adding, "I'm not leaving you to get yourself out. Not like I haven't seen all of it before."

Sara grabbed onto him more firmly and helped him to a standing position. She stood and let him use her as an anchor, a hand on each of her shoulders he stepped out of the bathtub.

"Do you feel better?" She asked letting him lean against the wall while she grabbed a towel and handed it to him.

"I feel clean." He said not knowing what exactly she meant, so he went with the easy answer. The one that made him feel less vulnerable.

"Well let's get you dried off and dressed." She let him dry himself off while she grabbed his clothes and handed him his pants first. He pulled them on and than gently pulled the shirt over his head. "Better. Are you going to be warm enough?"

"I think."

"If not I have your University of Chicago sweater in the closet."

"I was looking for that." He said smiling, he had suspected she kept it. She liked to wear it around the house. He liked the way it looked on her.

"You want me to go grab it?"

"Not right now." He said.

"How about you sit down and let me check your stitches and the dressings."

"The doctors recommend I leave them on for 24 hours and not mess with them." Grissom said.

"Ok. Than lets go out to the kitchen." Sara said, "Do you think you could eat pizza or do you want me to make you some broth?"

"Broth is probably the safest." Grissom said.

Sara dropped him off at the table and she grabbed Brass's arm who was still glaring at Gil, and Jade was glaring at Brass. It almost made Sara laugh because she could imagine the petite girl taking on Brass, and possibly winning. The girl looked positively ready to rip Brass's head off if he went after Gil.

"Jim come help me get the food ready." She said.

"At least I don't have girls fight my…" Jim started to say as he walked by Grissom.

Sara snapped stopping Jim from finishing his sentence, "Jim damn it. You stop. He is a guest in my house, he is hurting, and he sure could use his friend right now." Before Jim could protest, "Yes he turned his back on everyone, or so that is what it looked like. I am sure he has a good reason for not contacting anyone. No one bothered to ask him."

"Sara."

"Don't Jim." She said pouring some chicken broth into a pan turning the heat on high so it would quickly heat up. "Take the pizza out to the table and don't start another fight with him or else I will throw you out of my house."

Jade and Greg had went to the CD player in the living room once Sara had taken Brass with her. Jade felt safe enough to leave Grissom to go explore music, "I can't believe you have a Hoobastank album!" Jade said possibly the most excited Sara had seen the girl since she meant her. What was it with people and music?

"Um yea. I believe Greg gave it to me." Sara said hearing the music filter into the dinning room area.

**What happened to us  
****We use to be so perfect  
****Now we're lost and lonely  
****What happened to us  
****And deep inside I wonder  
****Did I lose my only one**

Sara looked at Grissom, she had listen to this song many of times. Most people would blame Grissom for their relationship ending, and she had let them because it was easier. But it was her fault just as much as his. They both drifted away from each other. He had warned her once, if they did not work at it, the relationship would eventually die. And it did, or at least it was on life support and neither of them could battle to bring it back.

**We could have made it work  
****Could have found a way  
****Should have done our best  
****To see another day  
****But we kept it all inside  
****Until it was to late  
****Now we are both alone  
****A consequence we paid  
****For throwing it all away**

Grissom was staring intently at his broth. While it hurt to think, he could not help but feel the words of the song. They had just thrown it all away. He had thrown it all away. He gave up, ran way like a coward to protect himself from any more damage. Grissom could live knowing Sara was happy, but she could not hurt him nor could he hurt her anymore. It was self preservation on is part. They kept leaving each other. She left him first to fight her demons. He always wondered if she would come back to him, or if she would have found someone better. Than she left him after Warrick, and it hurt. Truly hurt him because despite his need to keep a distance from her, he had always been there to save her from hitting the ground when she jumped off a cliff. She let him hit the ground, she did not think twice about letting him smash hard into the ground alone. Paris was the hardest part. He gave up everything for her. Walked away from his career, from his life, and all he was asking was for her to give him a year out of hers. Everyone would always say Grissom was a selfish bastard, that he would take advantage of Sara because she was maidenly and deeply in love with him. What no one ever saw was their relationship was a two way street. He was infatuated with her, so much he was willing to put everything on the line for her. Some might say his job was not much to sacrifice to be with someone like Sara. What they did not know was long ago he had resigned himself to being alone the rest of his life. He had been ok with that because it meant he would just live his career. His career became his everything. It was what kept him going when others needed to sleep. It was his entire world. He gave up that up for Sara, making her his entire world, and that had not been enough for her.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks as always for the reviews if you want me to respond to questions you have to log on and review or PM me and I'll try to respond. I expect a lot of flak about the last paragraph, feel free. Just be warned I am taking his side on this. Women never seem to get the grand gestures made. They expect you to give up everything that has mattered to you before they came into the picture, and they get to keep everything. I swear it will eventually be GSR right now just not feeling the romance see Adelitas Way (band) Good Enough (song) and that is how I see Grissom right now. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Breakdown**

Sara awoke to the sound of music. Not loud, not loud enough to wake her at least. But it was a sound that she often did not find in her house while she slept. Stretching she climbed out of bed, it had been a long night. Waking up each hour to wake Grissom and check on him was tiring, at times he had been difficult, clearly exhausted and just wanting to sleep. It was the times when he was due for his pain medication that he became the worse.

Finally getting out of bed Sara wondered down the hallway to find where the music was coming from.

Jade had been wired since she got back from shadowing Greg on a graveyard shift. She understood now why Grissom had loved his job as a CSI. It was like a new research project presented with each case. Instead of having a hypothesis to start with, and than finding the results, you started with the results and had to work back to the hypothesis. Jade preferred her field to anything else, but she had a bit more respect for forensics.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Sara asked walking over to the half full coffee pot.

"In a bit." Jade said looking up from her laptop, "The music didn't wake you? I tried to keep it down. I left my headphones in Greg's car."

"No didn't wake me." Sara said, "I have to wake Grissom up in a bit." Sara offered looking at the girl refusing to offer her more coffee as she seemed to have already drank way too much coffee. "What are you working on?"

"I just need to type my notes up from last night, finish a couple more paragraphs in my dissertation, and respond to a bunch of students who are worried about class material." Jade answered not looking up from her laptop.

Before Sara could go wake Grissom there was a knock on the door. Looking at the clock in the living room she saw it was now 9 am. Who would be there that early in the morning?

Looking out the peep hole Sara saw a face she had not expected. Opening it she smiled despite what she may have felt, "Hey Rick."

"Hello Sara." Rick said smiling at her, "I wanted to see if you happened to have time for breakfast, lunch, or dinner anytime this week?"

Boy was he desperate, Sara thought, "Probably not." Sara frowned, "I have some guest in town."

"Really?" Rick said looking confused she previously brushed him off because of work. Now she had guest in town?

"Grissom who you meant yesterday, and his graduate student are staying with me."

Rick smile returned, her ex-husband, "How is he?" Rick had been at the scene because he was a local reporter.

"He is dong ok." Sara said.

"Do you think he might do an interview for the station?" Rick asked, "He is sort of the hero of the story."

"I doubt it." Sara replied with a deep frown on her face. Was Rick just here for that? No he couldn't be he didn't know Grissom was staying here. Quickly she added, "Please don't tell anyone he is staying here. He is only here to avoid the media."

"Don't worry the secret is safe with me." Rick laughed.

"Do you want some coffee?" Sara offered, she liked Rick. He was an ok person. A good running buddy, and the occasional dinner with him was not horrible. There was also the occasional sex with not strings. That was not bad. She sometimes hated herself, but she was a woman and she had needs. They both understood they were just companions filling the void in each others lives.

"Yes please." He said walking into the house.

Sara led him to the kitchen where she poured him a cup of coffee. "Sugar is over there." She indicated knowing Rick took sugar in his coffee.

"Thanks."

"I need to go wake Grissom up real quick." She said trying to make an exit out of the kitchen.

"No need." Grissom's rough pain filled voice called back to her as he was slowly making his way towards the kitchen.

"Morning Doc." Jade called to him from her spot at the table.

"Have you been to sleep yet?" Grissom asked her.

"Nope." She said, "Soon I promise."

Sara grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and handed it to Grissom when he reached the kitchen.

"Thank you." Grissom said opening the bottle taking a drink while staring down Rick.

"Hi I'm Rick, we meant yesterday." Rick said holding his hand out.

"I remember." Grissom said, "You are Sara's friend."

"Yes." Rick said smiling at Grissom wondering what Sara ever saw in the man before him and if he knew Sara was more than a "friend".

"Are either of you hungry?" Sara asked looking between the two man who were eyeing each other.

"Yes." Rick said.

Grissom did not answer right away. The broth had stayed down, so that was a small victory, but he was not sure about other food yet. "A bit." He finally answered.

"How about you both go watch some TV and I'll make breakfast." Sara said.

"I can cook." Grissom offered, "Since you are not very good at cooking."

"Actually Sara is a very good cook." Rick said grinning at Grissom because he wanted to show Grissom he knew Sara better.

"I took went to a couple of classes with Greg." Sara filled Grissom in on changes in her life. "So go sit down and I'll make some breakfast." She gently grabbed Grissom's arm to push him out of the kitchen.

Grissom stopped moving and asked, "Is my medicine in the bathroom?"

"Yes on the counter."

"Ok I'm going to go shower than." Grissom said feeling the sweat that had covered him the night before on his skin.

"You going to be ok?"

"Much studier today." Grissom said feeling like a child, but keeping his anger in check. He hated how she made him feel like a lesser person in front of her "friend".

"Can I help?" Rick offered.

"You can cut the veggies." Sara said handing him a knife and a cutting board.

* * *

Grissom found himself leaning against the shower wall. His head resting against his forearm that rested on the tile, while he let the hot water run down his neck and his back. Exhaustion threatened to take over his body if it were not for the pain. The hot water felt nice, as it trickled down his body relaxing the painful muscles in his back. His head hurt, but he could not help but think about Sara. Being close with her again, sleeping in their house in the guest room, how she had changed in the time he had been away. How he missed her, missed her touch, missed her everything at times. But he didn't miss Vegas.

Jade must have moved to the living room because Grissom could hear her music in the bathroom as he showered. As per usual he had no idea who the band was, it was another one of Jade's many favorites.

**The sun is gone and the flowers rot  
****Words are spaces between us  
****And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost  
****And I should've been down when you made me insecure**

Many would blame Grissom, he was a selfish jerk after all. He had hurt Sara so many times before they ever got together. It was not on purpose. Yes he had called her and asked her to come to Vegas, and he had asked her to stay multiple times when she wanted to leave. He needed her near, but not too close. Not as close as she wanted to be. At first he assumed it was a school girl crush. Many women get crushes on their professors, hell even men get crushes on their female professors or whatever combination you wish to make. He thought it would fade, had hoped it would fade. Sara was dangerous to him, she was his Achilles hill, or maybe she would be the one thing that would make Icarus fly too close to the sun and fall to the Earth. Either way she was nothing but trouble for him, no matter how much he cared for her.

It did not help matters that he was naturally flirtatious. Half the time he did not even know he was flirting, Catherine had warned him a few times about his actions. Not that he was sexually harassing anyone, just being too open. He was a man after all he couldn't help it.

Sara was danger, a big red sign should have hung around her neck a warning, caution I bring trouble. The idea of being with Sara scared him, caused him to panic, and the idea of her leaving him had the same reaction. The fear and panic was not simply the small rise in heart rate likely accompanied by the sweat glands activating, no it was the full blown the world is going to end, oh my god I'm going to die panic attack fear. He had hated himself for hurting her, after he realized it was not just a school girl crush. It was not on purpose. Yes he may be a selfish bastard, but that was him, and always would be him. Sara could be the death of everything he had gained in his life, of his life.

But his motives for not being with Sara were not selfish, at least not in his eyes. Not being with Sara was the best option. He had resigned himself to being alone for his life. Relationships with others never quite worked out right. The closest relationship he had ever had was with Catherine, and that was purely work related and the occasional after work time when a particularly bad case occurred or her now dead husband was a little too much for Catherine. Once he was resigned to being alone the rest of his life, as he had spent most of his life, it was easy to be alone and not have to worry about anyone else. Where a family or love would have fulfilled his life, instead came his career. He was the best forensic scientist, and that was not pride. That was the countless offers he received to go work for other labs to help bring up their rankings, the countless universities offering him a lecture position or even a tenure track position, and the countless offers he got to become a private consultant. None of that would have been possible if he had allowed himself to live in the world and love someone.

Loving Sara meant a possible end to all of that. She was now his subordinate, and if anyone got wind of a relationship between the two of them, both of their reputations would be tarnished. His reputation was all he had, that had been his life, it had been what filled the void he created to protect himself from pain that he knew would come if he opened himself to people. People had never taken to him, they always found him weird and unworthy once they got to know him. No it had been his safest choice to not let her in because she would end everything he had built. Each of those little bricks he had managed to bring about to build his wall. When he let her in even a little she started to knock down those bricks, and break the wall. The wall was for safety.

**So break me down if it makes you feel right  
****And hate me now if it keeps you alright  
****You can break me down if it takes all your might  
**'**cause I'm so much more than meets the eye**

But he gave into her eventually. He tried not to, he tried to date other woman to get Sara out of his system. Teri Miler, he never truly loved, he lusted after her and was curious about the woman, but she was not Sara. Sophia was a joke, she was very good looking and had a extremely hot body, but that was all.

He eventually gave into Sara though. Didn't that count for something? No he could not make up for all the pain he had caused her. That was something he regretted. She was never fully allowed behind his walls because he still needed them. Forty years of living behind the walls, he could not just knock them down and walk outside them. Prisoners who spent less time in prison spoke of how scary it had been to leave the prison. He was in his own self made prison, and he had not seen that, still did not fully understand that idea. Sara had brought some light into the prison. She showed him it was possible to have it all, and someone could love him. Maybe not for all that was him because she still tried to pick away at the wall and change little things about him. He needed that wall, it was his sanctuary.

None of that mattered though. The first real problem they had came in the form of that bitch Nathalie. She had sent everything crashing down around Sara and Grissom. The Sara that returned from the desert was not his Sara. Grissom had seen that, and he had tried to be there for her. God had he tried with all that he was. He was more than willing to smash the wall down if he knew it would help her, but it wouldn't. He was losing her and he could see it even that early in the downfall of their relationship. No matter how hard he tried to grasp and hold onto her she would no longer let him.

When she said she was leaving to go battle her demons, he had offered to leave everything behind and go with her. She turned him down, telling him it was her battle to be fought. It had hurt, he had shown her he was willing to throw all that mattered to him, all he had built up gone, just to be with her. Just to support her in her attempt to battle the demons that haunted her. She pushed him away.

He got over that hurt. He understood and even thought her brave for being willing to go out and slay her demons, something he could not do himself. They had talked and he could tell she was getting stronger, better. Sara would eventually return to him, or so he had hoped. His Sara would come back, maybe not to CSI, but there was something she could do in Vegas.

Than Warrick was murdered. It had been the lowest point in Grissom's life, or so he had thought. He had held his dear friend in his arms, and watched the life seep out of him. He had tried to apply pressure, begged Warrick to stay with him, he had been so wrapped up in keeping Warrick alive, that he did not even notice Warrick trying to tell Grissom who had killed him. Now in the shower Grissom was scrubbing his arms and body now, feeling the warm sticky blood of his friend still covering him. Tears had reached his eyes as the water dripped down.

Sara came back for the funeral. She appeared at the apartment the day before, having heard Grissom's plea over voicemail to come home, that something bad had happened. Home, he needed her to come home please. He had broken down on the phone. He was broken, a shell of the man he had once been. Since Warrick died in his arms, since he saw the last bit of life seep out of his dear friend, and Warrick's eyes loss all of their light, he had not slept. No matter how much he drank he still woke up screaming when the memory haunted him in his sleep. The first night they slept in the same bed together, a chasm between them even in their bed. When Grissom awoke screaming, all Sara did was rush out of the room and bring back a cup of cool water, gently rubbing his arm as he panted soaked in sweat. She offered mummers of support, but she refused to take her husband, her lover, in her arms and hold him. Grissom would have let her, if she had asked him anything at that moment he would have told her. He was truly vulnerable from the pain of the loss, the chasm between his wife and himself, and the haunting memories of past cases he could not keep out and Warrick's dead eyes.

The funeral was the worst of it all. He could not even force himself to finish the eulogy. The tin man had a heart, and it felt like it had been ripped out of his body, stomped on until it was a squished mess, and than finally broken into a million pieces glued back together and stuck back inside his body. Something he had tried to protect himself from ever since the day he lost his father. His father might have been a bastard, but that was his father. It hurt when the old man died, hurt more when no one talked about it, as if nothing happened. It was then that Grissom began to build the walls to protect himself from ever having to feel that again. But people got through, Warrick got through, Sara got through, each of the team members had little spots where they had chipped through the outer wall and they mattered to him.

**And I'm the one you can never trust  
**'**cause wounds are ways to reveal us  
****And yeah I can have tried and devoted my life to both of us  
****But what a waste of time when the world we have is yours**

When Sara told him she had to leave only two days after the funeral, he had felt a huge blow from her. It hurt for her to say she had to go. He had begged her to stay, maybe not in a way a normal person would beg, but in the closest way it came to Grissom begging for comfort. Something he had never expected to receive from anyone because he never did before, but something he needed now. Something that Sara had made him hope was possible at some point, a dream. He knew not to believe in dreams, even when it seems like they come true they eventually go away. Without Sara and because of everything he was burning out, he could see it, but he knew he could not prevent it.

He had warned her, that they would not survive this if they did not work together. He did not say that he would not survive this, but it was what he meant. He had told her that if they did not work on their relationship it would wither away. They would be no more eventually. She refused to listen to him, she had told them their love was strong that they would get through whatever the world had thrown at them because they always had. It was the closest he came to begging her to stay.

Sara had told him he could come this time, he should come this time, that if they needed to be together he should come with her. Get out of Vegas it will be good for you. But he couldn't. He could not turn his back on the team. They needed him now more than ever. He needed to be there to be strong for them. Catherine was a wreck, Nick barely kept it together, and Greg was suffering too. They needed the tin man to help them move on, to set an example. That he could do, but who was going to be there for him? Not Sara. He couldn't leave his life, not the one he had built, for something that was on shaky ground. What happens if he left, and they could not repair what they had? He would loss everything, and that would be the end of Gilbert Arthur Grissom. Maybe that made him a coward, he was never as brave as Sara, but it was a chance he was not sure he could take.

He was hurting, he had done everything he could to try to keep it together. To try to keep him and Sara together. She ignored the signs he clearly showed, she ignored what anyone who knew Grissom even a bit would see as pleas for help from him. Catherine had even noticed Grissom was in need of help, but she had no idea how to help her friend. It was so clear that when he showed up at Lady Heathers door, shaking from the rain that he had stood in for a good half hour before he knocked on her door, knowing he was making a decision that could very well end everything. Lady Heather had seen the pain, she had hinted at what she saw she had told him "You have changed". She knew not to push Grissom. Grissom would tell her in due time what was wrong. He had to seek comfort from a friend because his wife could not be there to comfort him. Sara finding out would be the worse possible thing, especially when he stayed at Lady Heathers.

He had asked her to stay with him, in that room. He had allowed himself to be comforted by her. She had sat on the bed, refusing to do anything else with Grissom, though he wanted to sleep with her. He wanted to make Sara hurt at that moment, but Lady Heather wouldn't let him. Instead she sat on the bed, and pulled him to her, like Sara should have done instead of leaving him. He lay his head on her lap, and she gently ran her hands through his hair as he lay there fighting back tears. He was so tired, so very fucking tired at that time. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and not think of Sara or Warrick or any of the cases that haunted him. Somewhere between the gentle hands caressing his head, much like Sara had done when he had a migraine, and the tears he silently cried, he had finally passed out from exhaustion. He awoke the next morning alone. Lady Heather had been gracious enough to act like the night before had never happened. She allowed him to save face, and for that he was grateful. He hated himself for the weakness he had shown, for allowing her to see inside him, but she always could. That was why he had sought her out that night. He needed someone to tell him what he felt, where he had gone wrong. Someone had to tell the tin man it was ok to feel, that he could break down, just for a bit, that it was acceptable. Lady Heather did not have to speak the words to him, she made it possible for him, and protected him while he silently cried.

Lady Heather had told him, in a sense it was his fault, that he was where he was with Sara. Not choosing and been his choice. What he could not say than was he could not choose because he needed some reassurance there was something there to salvage. Sara had not been in contact much after Warrick's death. He had been left to deal, and she had been to busy for him. He needed something, anything, to show him he was running to something. Giving up everything, for Sara, to live in Sara's world, was a huge step. He needed to know it would mean something. Sara could not tell him that if she did not talk to him.

**So break me down if it makes you feel right  
****And hate me now if it keeps you alright  
****You can break me down if it takes all your might  
**'**cause I'm so much more than meets the eye**

The question he still had not completely formed an answer to was why did he ask for a divorce, why did he decided it all had to end. He finally took the leap and left everything to be with Sara. They had survived that time together. The team he left behind to be with her, so they could work on their relationship, so he could heal too. Sara had told him she could not breathe in Vegas, she felt like she was drowning. There was no way she could ever go back. So he took the leap of faith, the scariest leap of faith. It had scared him more than when he decided to let Sara in, even just a tiny bit.

All of that came crashing down. One call and she was going back to Vegas. The place she swore she could never go back to. The place she made him leave if he wanted to be with her. The place he could not return to himself at the time because he was still trying to heal. He had opened up to Sara more during their time away from Vegas. He had let her know about how much losing Warrick had hurt, how he approached burnout. It was not good enough. She had told him in Paris that she could not stay there because she was alone. Even when he was there, she was alone. He had never invested in the relationship. She had told him she truly believed he was emotionally inept, that he felt nothing. Despite all he had told her, she still believed him to be the tin man. There were other words, words even now he could not think of because they would hurt too much.

Even that had not been the breaking point. He still loved Sara, even from the distance they now maintained. The next job came, taking him to Peru. He could not go back to Vegas for long. When he had come back it was to collect more of the stuff he needed, and he was off again to go study. It was his turn to fight his demons, but he never said that to Sara. It was her turn to ask him to stay, to be there. He couldn't. He gave up Vegas, he had decided it was time to move on, and burnout was ever present still. So he left her.

There were missed trips, trips that became longer and longer apart, and than no attempts on eithers part to meet up. He was busy working, he had found his passion again in Peru. He felt happy for the first time in a long time. There was no magical moment or specific catalysts that brought the relationship to a crashing halt. Honestly, the end of the relationship came one day when he was walking back to camp in Peru. He had been back for less than a month. Sara's birthday was coming up soon, and he was to fly back to have dinner with her. It had been a simple moment of looking at a beautiful stream of water and the words of Lady Heather popping into his head at some random moment.

"Most relationships are over before they end. It is still a death, you mourn the loss of conflicting emptions. But often times there is a sense of relief. We have all experienced it but no one wants to admit it."

He remembered he had told her, "I didn't say the relationship was over."

She replied, "You didn't have to not making a decision was your decision."

Than he had remembered the video Sara had sent him, and her words, "You don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm good. I'm really good. And honestly, I think it is better this way."

It was at that moment, he realized what Sara had been trying to tell him. She was ok without him, she did not need him. She did not want him. It was better they were apart. It was fine. He had once told her that if she left him it would be the end of him, and she was letting him know he could leave when he was ready, that she was ready, but she would wait around as long as he needed to mourn the end of them. She was feeling those feelings of relief that no one would speak about. Grissom could not tell you how this beautiful calm stream of water brought all of that on. Maybe it was just because he had finally given himself a moment to think. But it was than he knew he had to let Sara go. He would still mourn their relationship, but she needed to be free. She needed someone who could be with her completely, open, healed, and happy. He could not keep her captive anymore, she needed to be free to fly away. It would hurt, there would be a huge empty space in his life she had forced him to clear out for her, but he could do this for her for them. What they were was broken, and it could not be fixed. So he contacted a lawyer and ask her to draft up separation papers. He made sure they would be delivered well before Sara's birthday so not to taint the day for her.

The conversation had not been a happy one. He barely had reception on his phone, and he tried to explain to her his motives, without fully explain his motives because he was Grissom after all. She had called him names and it hurt, but he was ok. If she hated him or was angry with him, so much the better, and if that helped her completely let go of him and move on with her life all the better. He could do this one thing for her, cause himself a tremendous pain, it would make up for all the times he hurt her. This was one last time he would hurt her. He had warned her as soon as they got through the separation period, there would be divorce papers. He politely requested that she allow movers to take whatever was left of his and place it in storage place he already had arranged.

Despite what some might think, Grissom really had tried to make it back for her birthday. He was not sure if she would be there, and part of him had hoped she wouldn't be simply because he was not sure he would be welcome if he showed up. But it would give him a chance to tell her in person that he wanted a divorce, that he wanted her to be free. Fate would have it that he could not get a flight out. The weather was horrible and he was stuck in the airport the day of Sara's birthday and most of the next day. He was afraid to text her because what if she had moved on, what if she had completely forgotten about their plan to meet on her birthday. He did not want to open those wounds (in himself).

It was the text from Hodges that told him he had done the correct thing in separating from Sara and not texting her on her birthday. Hodges had told him about Sara having been with a victim, that she was the original suspect, but no one but Hodges believed it. Eventually, it was shown to be some crazy stalker. That had worried Grissom, but Hodges quickly followed up with that Nick, Greg, and Catherine were taking care of Sara. That while they were all team Sara (Nick and Greg specifically) Hodges would remain team Grissom.

Finally when Grissom got to Vegas he avoided everyone. Hodges had made it clear that they had taken Sara's side, and Grissom was fine with that. He knew the guys would look after her. He need not put himself in the mix. By the sounds of it he was such a bastard, just like his father had told him many of times, that everyone was pissed at him. A bastard for hurting Sara again, for not being there for his wife. It was bad enough that the only person left willing to take his side was the one person who would take Grissoms side even if Grissom had been found with a bloody knife in his hand standing over a dead body screaming he had done it.

It was better for everyone anyways, that he stayed away. It would help him the most, if he was honest, to make a clean break. If he saw Sara again, or had to explain himself or avoid explaining himself to anyone, he knew he would not have the ability to move forward with the divorce. It often felt like he needed Sara more than he needed oxygen, but he knew Sara needed him like another hole in the head (how is that for clichés, now back to the story). It might make him a selfish coward, but if that was what he was then he would just have to accept it.

While in Vegas he stayed in a hotel, a cheap dump actually. The reason for that was to avoid any chance of Catherine knowing he was in town. Eventually he went to his mothers, telling her that he would only be there for a few days while he arranged a job out East. He had been contacted by a Research 1 institution looking for him to help build up their Criminal Justice and Criminology program. He would spend his first year teaching and aiding in building a forensic track for the undergraduate and later graduate program. If he wished he could be what they called DGS (director of graduate studies). It came with a bit more responsibility but would make building the graduate program in forensic easier. All he had to do was an interview, which he would easily get through, and then they could formally offer him the position as a tenured professor. While he did not go through the tenure track, he was respected enough in his fields of study that he could be a full tenured professor with a special appointment.

It was while he was interviewing that the divorce papers arrived at Sara's door. She had tried to call him, but his number was no more. When she called his mom, she had told Sara that Grissom had been back in Vegas, but would not be back. Grissom never left the East coast town he called home now after the interview. The day after the interviews were over, he was offered the job, he signed his contract a week later, and found a house two days later. Movers packed all of his stuff at his moms, and in the storage unit and brought them to him. Cowardly, maybe, but was it what he had to do to make sure he stayed in one piece emotionally and cause less damage to everyone else around him, yes it was.

The water had run cold by time Grissom finished his trip through his memories. He had been taken back not by the cold water, but by the knock on the door.

"Gil you ok?" Sara asked not wanting to invade Grissom's privacy.

With a rough voice he responded, "Yes."

Sara noted the pain in his voice, she mistook the emotional pain for physical pain. "Breakfast is ready."

"I'll be out in a minute." Grissom said turning the water off and grabbing a towel. The towel was warm thanks to the towel warmer Sara must have had put in sometime since he left. He remembered how much she had hated cold towels. On days he had been a right old jerk, and he had convinced her to come over to his house or when they were married and she came home for the night, he would rush a towel to the dryer while she was in the bath or shower and bring it to her when it was warm. Instead of giving her flowers, he gave her warm towels, cool cases, and the biggest piece of himself he could spare without losing himself completely.

* * *

**A/N:**

1. First as always thank you for the reviews, very much appreciated.

2. Second, last chapter's A/N probably should not have happened. I was drunk (don't drink kids liquor is bad for you and your liver will hate you the next day) and I was pissed off. In no way do I think all women are just after a ring and want to change a man.

3. I know DB was the nightshift supervisor when the events occurred for Forget me not, but it didn't work so I'm taking some liberties here. (I only have seen a few episodes with DB in it)

4. Sara fans beware. In my defense, this is a guys view on the situation (that some of you were interested in). Though I kept the Sara bashing down. I am just making a case from how I think Grissom would see it.

5. Only a handful chapters left (this thing is already over 100 pages in word), sorry it is a much shorter update than usual blame it on Man U losing today.

6. Song is Breakdown by Seether


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Thanks again for all of the reviews. I really do appreciate them. I am excited that people actually enjoy reading this.

WARNING: Quick justification for why this chapter exist (because yes I think there needs to be one). I knew the story would lead to a chapter like this eventually. I kept writing myself into this corner. Everything had been building between Grissom and Sara that it eventually had to boil over. When it would boil over it would get really messy because there is so much emotion left for the two. They still care a lot for each other, and that leads to a lot of strong emotions (anger being one of the biggest). The anger with the pain had to be so bad it was to the point of losing control at how wrong their love had gone, at first by forces outside of their control, and how they continue to just screw it up (they not just Grissom). It all had to be let out, they had to let go all of the anger and pain before they could be honest with themselves and each other. Grissom most of all, he has to be hit hard emotionally (not just physically) to make him vulnerable enough to be open and ready to talk. Once the anger and pain have been worked through the best way they could because they don't communicate it leaves them in a better position to be ready for the heart to heart that is needed. Essentially, be kind I really thought about just skipping to the happy ending but it felt wrong. Than I thought of taking some parts out but that seemed wrong to. I put more thought into this than I have anything else to date on in this story.

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Red **

No one quite understood how it started, even those who had been present were not sure what led to the events. Each person in the room would tell a slightly different story. Jade remembered listening to Chevelle. Greg having returned her headphones to her, she could now listen to her music at a volume that Grissom would complain about later.

She was walking to the kitchen, Grissom and Rick were at the table. Rick stood quickly, so forcefully he sent the chair he had been sitting toppling over to the ground. Grissom followed him second later, a bit more calmer than Rick.

**This change****, ****he won't contain,****  
****Slip away,****To clear your mind,****  
****When asked,****  
****Who made it show (who made it show),****  
****The truth,****he gives into most.**

"What is going on?" Sara had asked from the kitchen where she had been washing the breakfast dishes.

"How dare you." Grissom said seething with anger.

"Hey guys calm down." Sara said rushing out of the kitchen having no idea what had happened. She saw Jade and Grissom glaring at Rick.

"Yeah calm down Gilbert." Rick almost taunted him.

"I think it is time you leave." Grissom said moving between Jade and Rick.

"I think that is up to Sara." Rick said smiling at Grissom.

"What the hell is going on?" Sara asked confused looking between the two men.

"You friend need to leave now." Grissom said anger seething through him. Anger at everything, not just what Rick had said, or the ordeal with Sara, maybe even some from being so helpless when the gunman took him hostage. It was all right there boiling under the surface, it was going to break through and there was nothing he could do to stop the flood gates from opening once Rick said the few words.

"I think you should leave Grissom. Sara doesn't need you anymore. She wants a real man who can take care of her. Not some coward."

**So lay down****  
****The threat is real****  
****When his sight****  
****Goes red again  
****Seeing red again!**

It was that incident that all hell broke loss. Grissom would admit he was the first to throw a punch. He would not admit to anyone, but the punch felt so good when his fist connected with the unsuspecting mans face. He did not even fill the pain as his knuckle tore on the mans teeth.

The punch sent Rick to the floor on his butt. He was only dazed for a few seconds, and he quickly got to his feet. Sara trying to move between her friend and her ex-husband before any more punches could be thrown. However, Sara was not prepared for Rick to forcefully push her away sending her smashing back into the table. She felt the impact of the edge of the table on her lower back, it felt like a kidney punch sucking the breath out of her because of pain.

Rick moved on Grissom, who had turned to walk away to pack his things. Grissom knew after that satisfying punch he would not be welcome in Sara's home anymore. It had been wroth it. He heard the footfalls coming after him, and he turned in enough time to see a fist flying towards him. There was nothing Grissom could do, he noticed too late and he felt Rick's knuckles connect with his bruised ribs, eliciting a cry of pain that sent him stumbling back into a small table he felt break under him. He descent ended when he smashed into the wall. Still on his feet but dazed from pain, Grissom saw the next punch coming and as quickly as he could he ducked to get out of the reach of the other mans punch watching as the man ended up swinging at nothing but air. Quickly Grissom remember all the moves he had seen boxers use back when he studied the bruises formed during boxing matches. He threw a quick punch to Rick's body, later it would scare him how good it felt to connect with flesh and bone a second time.

Rick crumbled back against the wall. The punch had knocked the breathe out of him for the moment.

Sara was now between the two men, her hand resting on Grissom's chest to keep Grissom back.

Feeling Sara's hand on his chest made Grissom stay put against the wall that was now almost holding him up. Dizziness and a painful ache in his head was overtaking him, so he kept his back to the wall. He would not push through her to finish what he started, though he really wanted to knock the man out. He was sure one more punch and all that anger, pain, and every other negative emotion would leave him. It would be enough catharsis to make him whole again. Stable on his feet again as the wave of dizziness dissipated Grissom looked at Rick and asked, "You done?"

When Rick failed to reply, Grissom took it as a yes. He was getting read to apologize to Sara who started to turn back to Rick to check on him. Sara unfortunately was not lucky, she turned right into Rick's punch.

Grissom watched as the punch, meant for him, connected with the side of Sara's face. It had been a powerful punch and sent Sara tumbling back into Grissom who caught her.

Jade rushed over, she had been standing mouth open shocked at her mentors actions. "Enough." Jade said getting between the two.

Grissom caught Sara in his arms, holding her so she would not fall to the floor that was now covered in glass from some pottery that had been on the table Grissom had destroyed when he crumbled into it previously.

Grissom asked almost in a groan as Sara added weight was placing strain on his bruised ribs "Jesus Sara are you ok?"

He kept an eye on Rick who seemed to be stuck behind Jade who had him pinned to the wall with her arm across his throat.

"What the fuck got into you Grissom?" Sara asked pissed off, moving out of Grissom's arms. "Jade let him go." Sara snapped when she saw the girl had Rick pinned to the wall.

Jade stepped back letting Rick go from the position she had pinned him in.

"Your little bitch has some strength." Rick snapped at Grissom glaring at Jade who was ready to pounce again.

"What the fuck is going on?" Sara asked again examining Rick injuries now ignoring her own pain. She was sure it would bruise later.

"Ask your fucking buddy." Grissom snapped feeling his anger raising again.

"He just lost it." Rick said.

"I think you need to leave." Sara said turning to Grissom.

Grissom turned and walked back to the guest room that held his stuff. He had been trying to leave when the slimy bastard decided to attack. Anger was seething through Grissom still, his heart was racing much too fast. You know if Sara choose to have sex with people like Rick, than maybe she deserved to be with a man like Rick.

Jade quickly followed behind seeing how Grissom limped towards the bedroom, holding his ribcage.

"You ok doc?" Jade asked noticing how Grissom's nostrils were flaring, his face was a bright red, and he appeared to be almost panting.

"I'm fine." He snapped at Jade.

"Are you sure you are fine?" She said pushing Grissom.

"I said I was fucking fine."

"Ok." Jade said raising her hands and stepping away from Grissom. She had not feared him before, but right now she felt a familiar ping of fear. Something she had not felt in a long time, not since she was a child, not since the one time it became one time too many and she had fought back.

Grissom saw the fear on the girl, it was clear in her eyes and how she stepped back. The fear he caused in her pissed him off more, he was not that man, but damn it he could not stop himself he was too wrapped up in his own anger and pain to react properly, "I'm not your fucking stepfather. I'm not going to hit you."

"I know." Jade replied surprised Grissom knew something about her past, but than he had talked with her mom when the woman had visited. "I just want to make sure you are not seriously hurt."

Everything he had surpassed was surfacing at that moment. No matter how fast you run, eventually the demon catch you, eventually you either face them or the take you. Right now Grissom was in a battle to find out what the ultimate outcome would be. Grissom said glaring at her, if he could not relieve is residual anger through beating the crap out of Rick he would use the next target. Grissom later would not remember exactly what he had said, but he knew it had hurt Jade. He had seen it in her eyes, he remembered it was something about it being none of her business, and that she was nothing more than a graduate student in a department he taught in, nothing more. That she needed to start acting that way and not like he was her father.

"I know Dr. Grissom." Jade replied as she left the room.

* * *

As soon as the situation was under control, Sara had told Rick to leave too. That they were through. She knew Grissom would not attack for no reason, there was something that sparked him. Though she would admit his suddenly turning violent was unexpected. It was something she had never thought Grissom capable of, and she was still shocked by it.

While Sara had been ordering Rick to leave too and telling him it was over, she heard the heated exchange between Grissom and Jade. She was getting ready to go into the room to break it up when Jade almost smashed into Sara in her haste to leave the room.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine." Jade snapped moving past Sara to go pack her own things.

"Grissom." Sara turned her attention to the man now walking out of her guest room. "What the is going on?"

"I'm leaving don't worry." Grissom's anger was still there, still ever present. He was throwing things into a bag with much more force than was necessary. He had almost screamed his answer at Sara.

Sara tried to remain calm, "What happened?"

" Your boyfriend is a creep." Grissom said trying to push past Sara to exit the house.

"Wait a second." Sara snapped angry that men seemed to think they could push past her. She gently pushed Grissom back to stop him from going around her and Grissom almost fell if it had not been for the wall behind him he would have fallen. Sara noted how unsteady he had been on his feet.

"Why did you punch Rick?" Sara was upset, "What the hell got into you Grissom? You don't hit people."

"Please Get out of my way."

"Why so you can run away again?"

"Move Sara." Grissom said barely containing himself he wanted to grab her and forcefully move her. Despite his anger Grissom could not, would not, touch Sara out of anger.

"No." Sara said, "I'll move when you quit being such a bastard and tell me what the fuck got into you." Sara could not help, her own anger was filtering through. After everything that had happened, everything dating back to when Grissom spurned her advances when she first got to San Francisco to the present day Grissom doing his best to knock her friend out, and no one telling her what had happened.

Grissom tried to push past her, not touching her just trying to get around her, and Sara would not let him. Again she pushed him back and Grissom ended up falling back into the wall leaning against it.

"God damn it Sara." Grissom snapped, he had to get out of the hallway before he lost control again.

"Don't you want to wait for your friend?" Sara knew better. It was wrong for her to bring Jade into it, especially after Grissom had just finished yelling at the girl.

"She can find her own way."

Jade choose that moment to walk out, lucky for the girl she had her headphones in her ears and music blaring so she never heard Grissom and Sara's fight. The accusations made by Sara or the comments made by Grissom were drowned out by the screaming voice and harsh metal. She did not give the fighting duo a second glance, she walked outside and entered the taxi that was originally meant for Grissom.

**Cause I want to fight I want to fight  
****I want to prove I'm right  
****I want to fight I want to fight  
****So turn and forfeit  
****Forfeit**

"Oh but she needs you Grissom. Isn't that what you were doing?" Sara snapped, "Pissed that someone else was trying to get at your toy." Sara let her anger go, Grissom wasn't the only one who lost control, "I saw how you reacted to her and Greg's greeting earlier. I saw the jealously in you. How many times had you done that to me? Stopped me from living my life."

"Yes Sara I ruined your life. You are correct. Your life was perfect before I ever entered it." Grissom snapped, "We all know just how perfect it was. And I'm sorry that you need a father figured to fuck. Too bad Brass wasn't available for you. I'm sure he'd of been better than I was. Rick's your age so how does that work? Was fucking me enough to get over your daddy issues? "

"Fuck you Grissom." Sara snapped.

"You already did." Grissom responded once again trying to get around Sara.

Grissom knew he deserved the smack and what would come later. It was the last act that ended everything on Grissom's side. He would not remember half of what he had said to Sara, but he would remember the feeling of her hand as it smacked him in the face, the power behind it sent his head whipping to the side. The taste of blood filled his mouth and it was at that moment that Grissom saw the devil he had become. It was in that moment he felt everything seep out of him, all his energy, his anger, all of his feelings. There was nothing left inside but the empty shell. He felt emptier inside than he had in the longest time. Even before Sara there was something to keep him going, but now there was nothing. He was dead inside, but still alive and walking around.

He went to move past her one more time, he had to get out of the house before he lost all power to stay standing, to keep moving. He needed to go somewhere, Grissom needed a place to curl up away from everything and everyone. He did not hear anything she was saying. He had to leave now, he could not breath, the world was spinning, he needed to escape.

"Can I please leave now?" He pleased when she moved into his way again.

The battle between the couple turned into a screaming match, but now only on one side. Each time Grissom tried to run away, Sara pushed him back not letting him leave until she had finished unleashing all of her own anger and pain on him.

"I used to look up to you. I wanted to be like you." Sara spat at him, "I am lucky I did not become you. And now I see how grateful I should be that you left me. Catherine was right about me being better off without you. You are nothing."

"I know." Grissom said softly trying to walk past Sara again, he needed to leave now.

Sara would barely remember losing it, but seeing Grissom willing to walk out on everything, to not even fight for himself pissed her off. The first hit connected solidly to Grissom's chin, he grunted in pain. "You son of a bitch." Sara screamed trying to hit him again, but Grissom was ready and grabbed her arms to stop her from hitting him again. He held tightly onto her wrist letting her scream at him until she was spent.

When she stopped yelling finally he asked, "Are you done?"

Sara cried in return, she saw the tears running down Grissom's face. There were much more tears on his face, as if he had been crying longer. Funny, in her anger she never noticed his emotional response, just his trying to push past her. Grissom let her arms go when it seemed like she would not attack him again. He picked up his bag and walked past her cautious incase she choose to attack again. No words were spoken, and Sara felt her world crash around her when she heard the door close softly.

Sara was spent, she felt numb now. So much for having a heart to heart with Grissom. Well more like a lung to lung, who could scream the longest until their lungs and throat refused them the ability to scream anymore. Looks like she had won that battle, but she did not feel like she won, and she doubted Grissom felt anything like winning either. God she had pushed him, smacked him, and finally punched him in anger. She could not believe her own actions, but he had just pissed her off so much. He had pushed her buttons and he kept trying to run away from her when she had so much she had to day.

Moving out to the living room ignoring the mess that was her hallway she slumped onto the couch. God her face hurt and her lower back. She should probably get ice for it, but she was too tired to move. The tears streaming down her face had been a surprise. She had seen a side of Grissom she did not even knew he had. The tin man lost control today, and she matched his lack of control with her own.

Was there anything left to save of them? She wondered if it was better to let it end. They said what they needed to say, or had she. No she said what she needed to say in anger, and she honesty could not remember what Grissom had said that pissed her off so much. She had not been listening to him. The story of their relationship. Talking without communicating. Neither of them willing to listen to the other.

She did not know how much time had passed since she sat on the couch and found herself crying. The only thing that removed her from her stupor was a knock on the door. Looking at the door she wondered if she had energy to answer the door. She noticed her hand hurt, and there was a bruise around her wrist, had she punched Grissom, god she did. What got into her, that was not Sara Sidle, she did not hit people. But neither did Gilbert Grissom and he had today.

She saw Brass through the peep hole, she wanted to tell him to go away, but she knew he would persist. Opening the door she saw the shock on his face.

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

He glared at her, "Your face tells a different story. Where is Grissom?"

"Not here." Sara answered. She did not expect Jim to leave so fast, but he turned on his heels and stormed out of the house. Sara tried to follow after him, she tried to explain that Grissom had not hurt her, but Jim was not hearing it.

* * *

Grissom had walked until he could not walk anymore. He stopped and sat down on the curb, he called himself another cab. While he waited for the cab he tried to call Jade, he owed her an apology. Well she was the first person he owed an apology too. Sara could wait until they both had cooled off, and than he would try to apologize to her for everything. Not that he expected his apologies to make up for anything he had done.

Sitting on the curb listening to the phone ring, and than Jades voicemail. "Jade it's me. I'm sorry. I was upset, not at you. I should not have taken out on you. Please call me when you get this. I truly am sorry." He wanted to add so much more, that he did care for her, that he she was probably the closest thing he would ever have to a daughter.

Hanging the phone up he realized his jaw hurt. Sara had hit him hard, he had not expected that. He did not blame her, he deserved that and much more.

When the cab finally showed up the cabbie asked him where too, and had even suggested the hospital. Grissom was confused by the hospital suggestion. He gave the cabbie a destination sitting back in his seat looking out the window wishing that he could find a hole to go hide in for awhile.

* * *

"Hey." A gentle voiced said sitting down on the bench next to her.

Jade looked up to see Greg. She quickly wiped the tears away from her face. "Hey yourself."

"Thanks for calling me." Greg said not knowing what had occurred at Sara's.

"Thanks for coming to get me." Jade said softly. She did not have enough money for a plane ticket and her current ticket could not be changed at the moment. She was stuck in Vegas until at least the end of the week. She contemplated calling Jamie to see if he would loan her the money, but she thought better of it. There was no one else except Greg.

"You ok?" Greg asked putting an arm around Jade. He couldn't help it, she looked hurt. She was not the bubbly girl he had gotten used to seeing.

"Yes."

"Liar." Greg said smiling at her. "Come on let's go to my place. I have pizza."

"Well since you have pizza." She half joked allowing a small smile to reach her face, but never quite her eyes. It was her way of dealing, to not being so vulnerable in front of anyone. Humor was a good shield when all of your others were not working.

"You going to answer that?" Greg asked when her phone started to ring.

"No." Jade said, "I don't want to talk to him right now."

"Ok." Greg said not sure who him was, but he had a good idea that it was probably Grissom.

"Are you sure it's ok that I stay with you for the week?"

"Of course." Greg said, " You promised to get me a CD of that band. I can't have you leave Vegas without it." Greg smiled, "Plus we still have not got a chance to go to the wax museum you have to see it." He continued excited enough for the both of them, "And then there is…" Greg carried most of the conversation as he drove the two back to his apartment.

* * *

Grissom found himself at Heathers house. He was not even sure if she still lived there. He hoped she had, he was dead on his feet, and he was not sure how much longer he could drag himself around. He would be persona non grata at anyone else's house once they found out what had happened at Sara's today. Going to his mothers was not an option because he could not face her right now, and he could not bring himself to go to a hotel. No he needed someone to tell him he was not losing his mind, though he was pretty sure he had already. Someone who would not judge him, would let him be, but would let him just be numb.

Heather (formerly Lady Heather) opened the door and found herself shocked to see Grissom at the door. He looked even more forlorn than the last time she had opened her door to find him shivering outside. "Come in." She said letting Grissom inside.

Once inside she led him to the living room and had him sit on the couch. "Grissom are you hurt?" Heather asked seeing blood on his shirt.

Blinking sleep away he answered, "I'm fine."

"ok." She answered "I'm going to go make tea." She left him to his own thoughts.

"I heard about your incident." She said returning to the room noticing how he jumped when she walked in. He had been surprised that she returned, meaning he had been in his own thoughts and hand not heard her returning footsteps.

He looked at her confused, how did she know about the fight at Sara's already? Grissom did not know what to say so he just sat there letting the numbness come over him.

"At the university." Heather said seeing the confusion on Grissom's face. "Drink some tea." Heather said handing him a cup of the warm tea.

"Thank you."

"You have changed again." Heather said studying him.

"I know." Grissom answered softly sipping the tea.

"You look exhausted."

"I am."

Heather was surprised by his frankness. It had taken all night and most of the day to get him to open up this time. Now a open wound of a man sat before her and she could see all of his vulnerabilities on the surface. She had seen them before, but never on the surface.

"I lost control". Grissom said bringing his hand up to his head rubbing his eyes. The migraine was starting to intensify to a point he could not ignore the pain. He had gotten used to the steady headache that had been his concussion. He winced when he moved again, his ribs hurt. Arms moving down he hugged himself and started to rock gently against the pain.

"What happened?" Heather asked now worried seeing the damage to Grissom's hand. She also noticed he had a nice bruise, a new nice bruise, forming on his chin.

"I lost control." Grissom said again.

"Grissom what happened?" Heather said moving onto the couch next to Grissom taking his hands in her own. She was about ready to reach up and turn his face when he did it for her.

"I got in a fight with Sara's boyfriend." Grissom said.

"Is that all?" Heather said feeling less worried. "Is that how you hurt your hand?"

Grissom looked down noticing it, no wonder the cabby was cautious in taking the money he had thrust the cash at him. Blood had tried on his knuckles. "Yes."

"Did he hit you?" Heather asked.

"I think he hit me in the ribs." Grissom answered.

"May I look?"

Grissom shook his head.

Heather gently lifted his shirt and looked at the at least a day old bruises on his side and what looked like a new bruise. She gently touched it noticing how he sucked his breath in when her cold hands came into contact with the bruised flesh. "I don't think they are broken."

"What happened to your face?"

"Had a fight with Sara." Grissom said, "I didn't..." He stumbled over his words, "I swear I didn't hit he."

"I believe you Grissom." Heather said, she certain of one thing Gilbert Grissom would never have physically hurt Sara or any woman. "Did Sara hit you?"

"She has a good right hook." He said his hand touching his chin.

"Your head is bleeding." She indicated to the blood on the collar of his shirt.

"I am sure it's just a torn stitch."

"May I look?" She asked knowing she'd have to remove the gauze that now had blood on it.

He lowered his head for her, it hurt his head to move.

Heather was gentle with him, she pulled the fresh gauze back and checked. "You should go to the hospital."

"I'm fine." Grissom said. He had been dizzy earlier, but he was pretty sure that was the concussion making itself known. High blood pressure plus a concussion did not go well together.

"It stopped bleeding already." She said feeling a bit more relieved, "I still think you should let a doctor check you out."

"I'm fine." Grissom said, "I just want to…"

"What?"

"I don't know…" He sighed, "sleep. But I don't think I will."

"Come on." She said, "You can lay in my guest room."

Heather got Grissom up the steps and had him lay down on the bed. "Take your shirt off. I'll wash it" She said walking out of the room to grab her first aid kit.

When she returned Grissom was laying on the bed, hugging a pillow to himself. "Gil can you please sit up so I can put fresh gauze over your wound?"

Grissom moved slowly, dragging his body to a sitting position too more energy than he had, but he somehow managed with the help of Heather. She was quick and gentle, and helped him lay back down as soon as she was done.

Heather returned later with ice packs for him. She placed one pack on his ribs, she heard him suck a breath in at the cold. "Put hand out flat." She said setting the next ice pack on his arm. She gently pressed the last one onto his chin. "Do you want one of my sleeping pills?"

"No." Grissom said, he wanted to fill every last bit of pain he could feel right now, which included an agonizing migraine.

Grissom had learned many things from Jade, but one of them was how to upload music to his iPhone. She had helped him many of times making playlist just for him. He put his iPhone on the doc that would charge it and play music softly through the speakers of the CD/iPod player combo that sat on the nightstand. He choose one of Jades playlist and closed his eyes hoping for sleep to come.

"Try to rest. I will be downstairs if you need anything." She said turning the lights down and shutting the door when she did not receive any objection at her leaving. Once downstairs she thought about calling someone to tell them Grissom was at her house. Sara? Probably not a good idea if the woman had punched Grissom. The detective, Jim Brass? Maybe. Right now she decided just to let Grissom rest. He could tell her if he wished anyone to know where he was at when he woke later. She was in the middle of reading case notes from the last couple she had counseled when she heard the soft music coming from the upstairs guest room.

**I'm so alone,  
****and I feel just like someone else  
****Man, I ain't changed  
****but I know I ain't the same**

Grissom eventually drifted into unconsciousness. He had not heard Heather check on him. He barley stirred when Heather ran a damp cloth across his forehead wiping up sweat from his brow and blood from his neck. When midnight approached, Heather debated if she wanted to sleep in her own room, or if she should stay with Grissom to keep an eye on him. She decided it best to stay in the room with Grissom. She pulled one of the comfortable chairs away from the chessboard table and sat down. She propped her feet on the bed and let herself drift off to sleep.

Grissom had managed to sleep through the night, not stirring once. When Heather awoke in the morning she was worried by his deep slumber. She had expected him to wake at some point hungry. She walked over to him, and gently touched him. He felt warm, but not feverish.

"Gilbert." She said softly at first trying to shake him awake. It worried her he did not stir or make a noise as she tried to wake him. With a little bit more force she shook him gently to wake him.

Grissom's eyes open finally only a bit, the sun shining in hurt his eyes and his head.

"Hello." Heater said feeling relief when her dear friend woke up. "I was worried you slept so soundly."

Grissom looked up at her trying to understand how he ended up in her guest room. He sat up slowly grabbing his rib cage as he moved.

"You hungry?"

"No." Grissom said feeling exhausted still. He just wanted to go back to sleep. Sleep was safe, it was nice, no emotions when he slept. He was not even sure if he had dreamed at all, not last night. He was just so tired emotionally and physically. Sleep would bring relief.

"How are you today?"

"Tired." He answered, his head still hurt. He looked over to his phone and saw he had no calls. No one had his number, except Jade. Where did the girl go? He was worried about her.

"How about you drink a cup of orange juice and eat some toast, than I'll let you go back to sleep?" Heather asked worried about her friend. Despite having slept he still looked exhausted and broken, maybe beaten was a better world.

"Ok." Grissom said not having the will to fight her.

"Rest. I'll be back." She said letting him lay back down while she went to go make breakfast for them both.

Heather understood why Grissom had sought her out. Many would not understand why Grissom was comfortable around a woman like her. It was simple, at this moment in time he was vulnerable. His vulnerability scared him, and he knew it opened him to unwanted emotions. He could not maintain his defenses against others. However, with Heather, he was always vulnerable because she could read him so easily. She knew what he was thinking and feeling just by looking at him. The walls and defenses that were Grissom meant nothing to Heather who had spent a life studying people and learning to understand the cues they tried to hide.

She was in the middle of checking her blood sugar when the doorbell rang. "I'll be there in a minute." She called out wondering who was at the door, she had cancelled all of her appointments for the day. Grissom would likely be an all day project, not that she minded, her friend needed her.

Finally getting to the door she saw Capitan Jim Brass outside looking angry. She opened the door but blocked him from coming inside.

"Is he here?" Brass asked anger churning inside.

"Who is he?"

"Grissom."

"Gil is sleeping." Heather replied not moving to let the man in his house.

"I need to speak with him." Jim said waiting for Heather to move out of his way.

Grissom heard Jim's voice and got out of bed. Slowly he made his way downstairs, unsteady on his own feet. His legs seemed to weak to carry himself. Movement seemed to be something that took energy he simply did not have. He reached the bottom of steps when Jim saw him.

"You hit her you bastard."

Grissom looked confused at Jim. He did not hit Sara. "I didn't." Grissom responded his voice rough from having a dry throat, there was no emotion left in him.

"Than how did she get the bruise?" Jim asked trying to get past Heather who would not let him in he house.

"Capitan Brass if you wish to talk to Gil you will need to come back with a warrant or a more formal reason."

"How about assault?" Brass asked, "I can arrest him for that."

"You would also have to arrest Sara than." Heather calmly stated, "You could question him, but right now you have no evidence Gil did anything." Heather said. "If you want to question him I would be more than happy to drive him to the station."

"I'll come back later after I get Sara to give me a statement." Brass said glaring past Heather at Grissom.

Gil did not think about it when he raised his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, hoping the headache would dull a bit and his eyes would stop hurting. It was when Jim saw the damage to his former friends hand that Jim lost it. He pushed past Heather, slamming the woman into the door.

Gil heard Heathers grunt as she slammed into the door, but did nothing to stop Jim when he grabbed Grissom around the throat and slammed Grissom into the wall. "You son of a bitch."

"Jim I swear I did not hit Sara." Grissom panted, luckily only his back had hit the wall thankfully saving his battered head any pain. But it still hurt when his battered back smashed into the wall, "I hurt her, but I didn't hit her."

Grissom did not fight Jim's grip around his throat. It was not tight enough to cut off oxygen.

"You have no reason to arrest him." Heather said moving forward trying to get the officer to let go of Grissom who was offering no resistance.

"I have supporting evidence he had been in a fight recently." Brass said his anger blinding him. He flipped Grissom around again pushing the CSI into the wall.

Lowering his head Grissom was ready to let Jim do whatever he wanted. Grissom did not fight as the cuffs were tightly put on his wrist.

"I need to sit down." Grissom said softly he was pale.

"Shut up." Brass snapped flipping Grissom around once the coughs were tightly secured to the former CSI's wrists.

Being flipped around did not help Grissom who was doing his best to fight of a wave of dizziness. Grissom had tried to ward Brass but as soon as his mouth opened to speak words of warning all that came out was vomit.

Brass tried to jump back he was still covered by Grissom's stomach contents. "Son of a bitch." Brass snapped trying not to gag himself.

"Captain Brass." Heather said moving forward to step between the two men, she gently moved Gil. She kept a tight hold of him as she had him sit down on the steps, the nearest spot for the ill man to sit down. She kept speaking to Brass, "You saw his hands, I am guessing from what Gil told me Sara only has a bruise on her face right?"

Brass just looked at Heather.

She took it that he was at least listening to her, "You and I both know the damage on his hand does not match the damage Sara received." Heather looked down at Grissom who just looked tired, his eyes were closed and he made no attempt to move. He was leaning against the wall, resting his head right under the railing. If it were not for the occasional flinch she would have assumed Grissom had fallen asleep.

"Now please he was your friend once." Heather said remembering the night Captain Brass had shown up to her door, warning her to be careful will Grissom. Grissom was only interested in her because she was different, he was intrigued. Nothing more, so she should keep her grimy hands off his friend.

Brass looked at the man on his steps, his friend by default. He had known Grissom for too many years. "Who hit Sara if you didn't?" Jim asked towering over Grissom.

"It was an accident." Grissom said not looking up or opening his eyes from his current position on the steps. The wall stopped the world from spinning, and his eyes closed made him feel less vulnerable, "Her friend Rick and I were fighting, and he went to hit me, but got Sara instead. I never hit her."

"What about the bruises on her arm?"

"She has a strong right hook." Grissom said wising he could rub his jaw that hurt, "I grabbed her arms. I didn't mean to grab her so hard. I was having trouble staying on my feet and she was trying to pull free to hit me again."

Brass stared down at Grissom, the bruises on Sara's arms were enough to take Grissom in, but if he was telling the truth Sara would also likely be arrested too if Grissom gave the same story. "Why were you unsteady on your feet?"

"My head hit the wall" Grissom paused sucking in a breath trying to fight off a wave of nauseous, "Once when Rick hit me, and a couple of times when Sara pushed me so I couldn't leave."

"I can confirm that Gil's injury to his head was agitated. He had blood on his shirt the gauze covering it was bloody." Heather said looking at Brass waiting to see what the police officer choose to do. She felt more worry for her friend, she had not known he was unsteady on his feet. He had not said anything to her, he only mentioned hitting his head once.

"Come on stand up." Brass said grabbing gently onto Grissom's arms to pull him up. Turning Grissom gently he unlocked the cuffs from the former CSI's hands. "I still should take you outside and kick your ass."

Gil went to move outside he did not care what happened to him. He probably did deserve another ass kicking. At this point he no longer seemed to care what happened to him.

"Gil please go back up stairs and rest." Heather said grabbing him and stopping him from walking outside.

Grissom listened to her, he turned around and walked back up the steps. Each step felt like he was climbing a mountain but he made it.

"It is time for you to leave Captain Brass." Heather said.

Brass watched his friend and he saw a defeated man. "Has he been like this since he got here?"

"Yes." Heather said.

"Is he ok?"

"I don't think so."

"Does he need to go to a hospital?"

"I don't think so."

"Can you fix it?" Brass asked.

"I don't know."

"Are you going to try?"

"I am." She said surprised that the officer suddenly seemed to care about Grissom. "If that is all I am going to call an old friend, a doctor, to look over Gil to make sure he is ok."

"Watch out for him. He needs a friend now."

"I know." She said in a voice that had made Jim feel like a piece of crap for not being there for his friend. For assuming the worse just because he was angry at Grissom over how things had ended. No one had been particularly warming in their welcome. Could not blame the guy for not wanting to let them know he was in town given how things have gone down.

* * *

After taking a sleeping pill Sara slept the night through. She had received a text earlier from Greg asking her if she was ok. She had responded yes. Than Greg informed her he had Jade at his apartment, asking if she could let Grissom know since Jade refused to speak with the supervisor who had called four times before giving up. Sara told Greg she couldn't because she did not have Gil's number.

Now awake Sara moved through her house, first stopping off at the bathroom, and than walking out into the hallway that still held the mess from the fight that had occurred the day before. As she walked down the hallway she saw the bloodspot on the wall and her hand raised to her mouth. It was where Grissom had been standing when she kept pushing him back so he could not get past her. Had she done that to him? God was he ok? If his head was bleeding again, his concussion was it worse?

There was a knock on the door and Sara rushed to answer it hoping it was Grissom, knowing it was unlikely not him.

"Hello." Rick said looking down at his feet.

"Go away."

"Is your psycho ex here?" Rick asked thinking Sara still held compassion for him.

"Grissom is not here." Sara said, "But you need to go. We are through Rick."

"Why? Because of what happened? I meant to hit him not you."

"That did not even factor into it." Sara asked looking at him.

"Whatever they said was a lie." Rick said.

"No one has told me what happened." Sara said. "But we are done. We never should have been." Sara admitted to herself, she had been open to anything, trying to get back into the dating game. Rick had been an easy start, he did not seem to care about when they meant up or what they did.

"Fine with me. Wasn't like the sex was all that great."

"You are a sick pig. Leave now before I call the cops." Sara said.

"No need they are here already." Brass said from behind the two. "You heard her get out of here." Brass said glaring at Rick.

"Or what?"

"Well I could arrest you for assault?"

"On who?"

"Sara. I am sure I could make some other charges up."

"I didn't mean to hit Sara." Rick ask incredulous, "It would never stick."

"Oh you are right. It would not hold up in court, but being a reporter well I am sure it will work fine in the court of public opinion. You know that is always much more damaging than actual legal court."

"Thanks Jim." Sara said feeling relieved that Rick was gone and it was over. She would not have to deal with the man ever again, or so she hoped. "You heard Rick admit to hitting me it was Griss."

"I know I already talk to Gil." Brass said frowning at the memory of having to drive home covered in Grissom's vomit.

"You didn't hurt him did you?"

"No." Brass said, "I almost arrested him tough."

"Is he ok?" Sara asked not mentioning the blood on her wall.

"No." Brass said seeing the fear in Sara's eyes. "Physically most likely. Mentally he looks defeated."

"I hurt him." Sara said, "I don't know what came over me. I was just angry at him."

"He can be infuriating."

"Yes but I hit him Brass. More than once." Sara said looking at the older man. "I hit him and I meant to hurt him. To make him feel something. He just looked at me like nothing mattered."

"It's ok Sara." Brass said knowing it wasn't ok, but he was not going to make either party feel any worse than they already did. Brass had been surprised to hear Sara had gotten physical with Grissom. It just was not in her nature, but it wasn't in Grissom's nature either to fight and he clearly had fought with the man who just left the house.

"Where is he?" Sara asked.

"Lady Heathers." Brass said, "He has been there since sometime yesterday. She is watching over him."

"Of course." Sara said stopping herself from rolling her eyes. He always ran to Lady Heathers, what was it about that woman that attracted Gil.

Leading Jim into the kitchen to make coffee for the both of them. Sara could not help but stare at the unfinished breakfast dishes. One of them Grissom had just eaten off of the day before, "It's over."

Jim did not know what to say to Sara statement.

"We really are done." Sara said feeling a catch in her chest. A hole that she thought she had already repaired was ripped open again. Grissom was no longer hers. It was over.

"He needs friends right now." Brass said. "None of us have really done a good job at that. I am probably the worst. I never tried to contact him after he left. I was content hearing news from you about him. When you guys divorced, well I was angry with him. It was wrong the way he ended everything. I wanted to punch him."

"I did too."

"You did punch him." Jim said with a small smile, "He said you had a good right hook. I knew I taught you something."

"Keep dreaming. I knew how to hit way before I ever meant you." Sara said, "Is he really physically ok?"

"Yes. I spoke with him and physically he is bruised but he'll survive." Jim paused, "He vomited on me. But I spoke with Heather on the phone a few minutes ago. She had a doctor come look him over just to be safe. The doctor believed it was because of a migraine and not the concussion."

Brass and Sara were both sitting quietly in the kitchen waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. Jim was the first to speak again, "It may not be over."

"No it's over." Sara said.

"He still cares about you." Brass said, "And he may not deserve you, but he needs you."

"Jim I think I need him too." Sara said, "I have felt lost since he left. I do not think I could love anyone as much as I do him. He infuriates me to the point of losing myself, but I love him."

"You should go talk to him."

"Do you think he'd talk to me?"

"He did not do a lot of talking." Jim said.

"I know." Sara frowned looking down the hallway, she had been the one to scream the most at the end. What she yelled she did not remember.

"Go talk to him." Jim said, "If you want I'll drive you."

"I can drive myself." Sara said. "Do you think Heather will let me in?"

"You can convince her if she won't."

"I don't know Jim. All we do is scream at each other anymore. We have not had a real conversation in years."

"That Lady Heather is a couples therapist now."

Sara shook her head, it was funny but she could not laugh. "I'm going to go see him."

* * *

**A/N 2: **

The music:

1. The Red by Chevelle (first section and main motivation for chapter)

2. Forfeit by Chevelle

3. One headlight by the Wallflowers = had to include it I heard the song for the first time in a long time. Heard the song a ton of times, but those lines jumped out at me for the first time and it just blew me away.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **sorry about the delay. RL gets in the way.

Songs in order: You're Beautiful ending by One Less reason, The Truth is by Melissa Ferrick, and Forever by Aaron Lewis.

* * *

**Chapter 8: The Truth Is **

It had been an eventful afternoon at Heathers. For the third time that day someone was knocking on her door. Heather smiled as she opened the door, "Hello Sara."

"Can I speak to Gil?" Sara asked looking at the woman she had once been jealous of, and maybe a bit jealous now as Grissom had run to her. The rational side of Sara's mind reminded her there really was no one else for Grissom to run to.

"Come in." Heather said moving to the side to allow Sara entrance into her home. Heather found it interesting at how surprised Sara looked when she stepped in to allow Sara into her home.

"Would you like some tea?" Heather asked leading Sara into the living room.

"No thanks. Where is Gil?" Sara asked looking around for her ex-husband.

"Let me see if he is awake and feeling like company." Heather said with no intention of keeping Gil from Sara, "Please wait here."

"Ok." Sara said not surprised by how protective Heather was being of Gil. She the foot steps up the stairs, a soft knock, followed by hushed voices. She could not make out what was being said, or any emotions in the voices but she knew one of them was Gil's.

Heather returned and Sara felt a lump rise in her throat. Gil had turned her away, otherwise he would have came down with Lady Heather.

"He is still exhausted, and in pain," Heather began, "But if you wish I can take you up to see him." Lady heather said, "But I request that you try not to upset him. He needs to rest. Gil has been through a lot over the last couple of days."

"I know."

"I know you know, but please understand." Heather said, "Detective Brass was here earlier."

"I already talked with him."

"Good. He was going to arrest Gil." Lady Heather said seeing the surprise on Sara's face.

Sara said looking down at her feet, "I'm sorry about all of this. You should not have to get involved."

"I am happy to help. Gil is a dear friend of mine. He needs one now and I am happy to be there for him…" Seeing the look on Sara's face Heather continued "As he has been for me in the past."

"Thank you." Sara replied softly wondering if Heather had other intentions.

"Follow me I'll take you to him." Heather led Sara up the stairs to her guest bedroom. Once again she knocked softly on the door and pushed it open. Grissom was sitting in an old Queen Ann style chair, the chair that Heather had slept in the night before. There was another one across a small chest board table for Sara to sit in. The lights in the room were dimmed so that it was almost completely dark. "I will be back with more tea."

"Thank you Heather." Grissom's voice was rough, he was clearly in pain and he looked as if he was fighting a battle just to keep his eyes open.

Sara walked into the room cautiously. How to start a conversation was all she was thinking about.

"Sara." It came out almost as a plea, Grissom thought Sara was there to fight again. She looked determined, the look he knew all to well. When aimed at him the look usually meant a verbal sparring, not as bad as the one at Sara house, never that bad, "I can't do this now." Grissom looked so fragile at that moment. "I don't have the energy to argue again."

He was honest with her, exhaustion was clear in all of his features. "I just can't. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything." His hand moved up to his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose trying to push the pain away. The never-ending ping of pain that was the migraine wreaking havoc on his ability to think, to protect himself.

Sara could see the pain in his eyes, the familiar rubbing of his eyes, which told her he had a migraine. "I am not here to fight again Gil. I should be apologizing to you." Sara said softly. "How is your head?"

"Who told you?" Grissom asked wondering if Heather had tried to guilt Sara into leaving or if Jim had told her about the damage Grissom had sustained at her house.

"No one." Sara said, "There is blood on my way where your head it."

"It wasn't you, at least I don't think." Grissom said, "I hit the wall hard when Rick punched me. I think I hit my head than and that is what broke it open. "

"It was where I pushed you into the wall." Sara said softly feeling ashamed of her own actions.

"Transference. I was already bleeding and my head did touch the wall, but never hard enough to hurt." Grissom stated, he was not lying to Sara he was almost certain the blow that had him taking out the table was what broke the stiches on the back of his head.

"We need to talk." Sara said, "Really talk."

Grissom looked so vulnerable, Sara was not sure if it was the right time so she added, "We can do this later if you wish, when you are feeling better." She offered trying to find her own way to chicken out of the conversation they needed to have.

Grissom studied Sara to see if she was telling the truth, if her intentions were purely to talk and not fight. They had screamed and fought so much there was not much left to argue about, but he knew they would find something.

Sara frowned when she saw his bloodshot eyes. He looked as if she could take him out just by breathing to heavy near him. The light was gone, the once blue eyes now were dulled to a greyish blue. Pain was evident, not just physical pain, a deep emotional pain that Sara had not seen before. How long had that pain been there? How did she never notice it? Or was Grissom too tired to hold up the walls, to keep the façade he has crafted to perfect. At that moment she just wanted to grab him and pull him into a deep hug. To hold him, and take all his pain upon herself, but she knew that was not possible.

Sighing as if resigned, Grissom said "No time is better than the present." He knew if they did not talk now they probably never would, and they needed to talk.

"Grissom you look…"

"Horrible I know. I took my medicine it should kick in soon." He said softly. "The doctor said I should be ok in a couple of days after proper rest."

"I am sorry about what happened at the house. I never expected any of it when I invited you to stay, I truly thought we could get through it without fighting."

"It is ok. You did not know that was going to happen." Grissom said giving her an out, "Have you heard from Jade? She's not answering my phone calls?" He was worried about her, he had said horrible things in his rage, things he knew he could not take back. Things he did not truly mean.

"Greg let me know she was staying with him. He convinced her to hang around until we were sure there was not going to be trial."

"Good." Was all Grissom said truly relieved that Jade found someone to seek refuge with. It was not like she could lock herself in the graduate office and hide from him. They were in unfamiliar area where Jade had no one to go to, except Greg who Grissom knew would keep an eye on her. He rubbed his eyes again, he was so tired, and his head hurt. He just wanted to sleep, but this needed to be done.

"I don't know where to begin." Sara said looking at the man who still could make her feel like a tongue tied teenager with her first crush.

"Me either." Grissom agreed shifting in the chair trying to find a position that was comfortable. Trying to find the energy to start the conversation that he needed to have with Sara.

So they sat in silence until Heather returned with another soft knock on the door. She brought the tea into the room and set it down on the table. She looked at Grissom, normally she would not ask him again so soon, but she wanted to make sure the conversation remained just a conversation. She was not sure how much more Gil could take before he collapsed completely, gently reached out to rub his arm, "Are you ok?"

"Yes thank you Heather." He said not shying away from Heathers reassuring touch. It hurt Sara to see Heather comforting Grissom. It should be Sara doing it, but she was not sure how he would react to her touching him after everything that had happened.

"If you need me I'll be downstairs." Heather said looking from Grissom to Sara. Part of her wanted to grab them both and make them talk, but she knew it was something they had to work out on their own.

Once she left Grissom poured them both tea and he took a sip of his. Sara noticed his hand shaking slightly as he lifted the cup. "Are you sure you are ok?"

"Yes." Grissom said, "What about you?"

"Fine. My hand hurts." Sara felt stupid instantly for complaining about her hand.

"I figured." He said not adding that his jaw hurt too. No reason to hurt her anymore than he already had.

They sat in silence again, neither of them knowing how to start the conversation that was needed. Sara watched as Grissom fought off sleep. His eyes would start to slowly close, and he would seem to catch himself and than open them wider.

"Gil come on you are tired. Go lay down." Sara said getting up from the chair and holding out her hand to him.

"We need to talk." He said almost pleading with her.

"And we will. But not now. Neither of us knows what to say." Sara said, "Come on lay down. I'll stay and we can talk after you have rested." Sara paused for a few seconds and when nothing came from Grissom she quickly added, "If that is what you want? "

"Are you sure you want to stay?" Grissom said trying not to sound too anxious about her staying. He really wanted her to stay, he didn't want to talk, but he knew they had to. Right now he did not know if he could, he was just tired. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"I want to. It is if you will have me?" Sara said "We both could do with the rest." She smiled softly at him.

"Thank you." Grissom said indicating that yes he wanted her to stay.

Sara sat down and pulled Grissom to her as he went to lie down. She went to pull his head to her lap, much like Heather had comforted when he sought out her after Warrick's death. The way Grissom had wished Sara would have comforted him.

"No." Grissom said trying to move his head away from Sara's lap.

Sara cut him off, "Gil shut up and let me comfort you." Sara said, "It is ok."

He laid his head back down and sighed, but his body was still tensed as if preparing for a battle to start. Sara began to gently run her hand through his curly grey hair. As the time slowly passed she could see him relax more and more. His head became heavier and heavier in her lap. After awhile Sara heard the familiar sound of her ex-husbands soft snoring. He was asleep, his arms wrapped around her leg in his sleep holding onto her for dear life, as if she got up and left him he would tumble into oblivion. She was content to sit there and let him rest.

It was than that she finally heard the soft music coming from an iPod/CD combo player on the nightstand. It was a weird choice of music for Gil Grissom. Sara smiled she was sure she knew who was behind the soft relaxing yet depressing song that now played softly.

**I looked into your eyes to find the light had been gone for years**

**And there are only tears left**

While Grissom slept, Sara studied her ex-husband. She saw the lines that had formed on his face, he had aged since the last time she had truly taken the time to study him. He looked so beaten, warn out, even in his sleep. A concern was etched across her face and a pain in her heart, as she remembered how peaceful he use to sleep. He had always looked like a little boy, innocent in his sleep. Now he looked every bit of his age, pain etched on his face, all of the years of pain clear in his slumber.

They had caused serious damage to each other. She knew that, but would they be able to repair what was broken. She hoped so, for the sake of the man that now slept. Love meant not keeping score of who hurt who the worse, she was sure that despite what outsiders might think, they were likely tied by now. Could she continue her life without Grissom? At one time she had thought so, but now as she looked down at him she was not so sure. He had been her everything. She smiled as she remembered Grissom that she had meant in San Francisco. He was a different man, a very different man. Now he did not seem to even have the energy to fight for himself. If he could not fight for himself, would he be willing to fight for them? It would be a battle for them to resolve everything.

**You better hold me down, stand me up keep me safe**

**While I'm falling to pieces**

**And tell me how should I bend if all I've known is to break**

Shifting to awaken her legs that felt like they were now tingling because of Grissom's weight, she became even more troubled by how he mumbled in his sleep it sounded like a plea, but the words had not quite formed.

"It's ok Gil. I'm not leaving." She trying to comfort him, returning to running her hand through his hair. He sighed softly in his sleep, and quieted digging his head further into her stomach.

Sara's exhaustion was tugging at her. The soft music, and the rhythm of Grissom's breathing lulled her into a calm state. It was all familiar, how many times had they been in this position before? Her soothing him while he slept off a migraine? Would it ever happen again? Was this the last time she would hold Grissom in her arms while he slept? How many times had he held her while she slept or cried? How many times had he shown up, maybe later than she wanted, but he always found a way to comfort her. Better late than never, but he had always been there for her, until he wasn't anymore. Was that what she missed? Having someone there? No, because she still had her work family. Any one of them would be there in a heartbeat if she asked them. Did Grissom have that anymore? Did he have anyone? Had he ever allowed anyone that chance? Sara occasionally got the chance, especially when he was weak from pain, but emotionally no.

The fear started to rise, but as soon as she felt it start to take hold, a familiar soft snore brought her back to reality. Could they repair them? Was there something to repair? Or were they truly over, and could she accept that? Before he came back into her life, even if he had tried hard not to, she would have said yes. She could deal without Grissom. Now, she was not so sure she could just turn her back on him, on them.

Slowing her own breathing, she told herself one thing at a time, she thought. Talk first, than decide the future, and hope the future included him. She sighed closing her eyes.

* * *

It had been at least an hour since Heather left the couple to talk. She had not heard any yelling coming from the upstairs. It was reassuring, maybe Sara took her warning about Gil not being in any state to fight. Maybe the two were having a civilized conversation and sorting out the mess that became them. Yeah right, Heather snickered at the thought. She did not know Sara, other than the occasional meeting and what Gil had told her about the other woman. What she did know was the two were notorious for not communicating. The fight between them had been surprising, but it was likely necessary to get all of the residual pain and anger out of the way. A catalyst to healing over. When an infection festered under a scab, you could not let the scab remain in place. You had to rip it out of place and attack the infection. Their anger and pain had been their infection, the scab had started to heal despite the infection, but now it was gone.

Deciding to check on the two house guest when she heard no noise coming from the upstairs, Heather walked up the stairs. Once at the door she listened for voices, and was greeted with Gil's soft snores. Knocking softly, Heather opened the door and looked inside.

Heather smiled as she checked on the two. Sara was asleep, her back against the wall in a sitting position. One of Sara's hand rested softly, her palm over Grissom's heart. Grabbing a blanket out of her linen closet Heather covered the couple up the best she could in their current position. She wondered if the intimacy the two where sharing now would be enough to help them mend bridges. Probably not, the two needed to have a serious conversation, and hash out the damage they had caused without descending into a yelling match. That would not result in any true communication occurring between the broken couple.

* * *

Sara heard a soft cry that felt like it was vibrating off her stomach. Opening her eyes, she was momentarily confused about her location. The room was not familiar, as she became more awake she remembered. Looking down she saw Grissom who was now curled up into her, his face pushed against her stomach. He must have been the source of the cries. Unable to see his face she was not sure if he was awake. Moving her hand from where it had been resting on his back, she gently moved it up to his head, "Griss?"

"No please don't." he mumbled.

"Don't what Griss?" Sara asked trying to see if he was awake.

"Please don't. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Please." His breathing was becoming more rapid. Sara wanted to wake him up, but she was afraid of startling him more.

"NO!" He screamed waking himself up he shot up from where he had been, the only thing that kept him on the bed was that Sara had grabbed him before he tumbled over.

"It's ok Griss. You're safe." Sara said seeing fear in her former husbands eyes.

Grissom was panting, his hands moved to his head that ached. Now sitting with Sara's arms still around him, he looked around confused. Her arms was the only thing that kept him on the bed, he wanted to flee the room, flee to safety from the demons that haunted him in his sleep.

Sara saw fear in Grissom's features as he searched around the room and struggled to get away from her. She moved her hand to gently rubbed his back, "It's ok. Take slow breaths." She continued to rub his back trying to comfort him, happy Grissom did not move away from the comfort she was offering him despite his twitching need to flee.

When he was finally able to return his breathing to a normal rate, his eyes still broke Sara's heart. He still looked so scared, so lost, like a little boy searching from someone to just care for him, like a mother should.

"Want to talk about it?" Sara asked.

Grissom did not feel like talking about it, but he was afraid if he said no she would leave. As much as he hated himself for wanting her there to comfort him, he could not move away from her or the comfort. It was wrong, especially knowing it was over, it had to be over for Sara's sake. She deserved someone better than him, someone who would be there for her.

"It was just a dream." Grissom said his voice rough from a dry throat.

"That was some dream." Sara said not judging him for not opening up.

"It was weird." Grissom answered back. It was the truth the dream had been one of the weirdest one he had in a long time. "My father the gunman" He tried to explain. The words would not come to him.

"Ok." Sara said satisfied that Grissom was at least trying to open up.

"I am going to get some water, you want something?" Grissom asked moving out of her arms.

"I can."

"I need to walk." Grissom said getting up and stretching.

"Ok I'll take some water than."

Grissom left the room leaving Sara to wonder what he had mean by his father the gunman. He said it was a weird dream, probably meant nothing, but in all the years she barely remembered him ever having nightmares. They had worked some horrible cases and she had always been the one who needed comfort.

Grissom returned with a tray with two bottles of water and two plates. "Heather made dinner." He set the tray down, "We could eat downstairs if you want."

"Here is fine." Sara said relaxing back against the wall, "What is for dinner?"

"Vegetarian lasagna." Grissom responded. His headache was a dull ache now, and he stomach demanded food, though his body was still sore and he still felt completely exhausted.

They ate in silence, neither really speaking. "How is your headache?" Sara asked.

"Migraine seems to be gone. It's just a dull ache now." Grissom responded shoveling food into his mouth, he had been starving. Both ignoring the fact he had grabbed his head in pain when he woke up, it was likely the result of the dream and fear coursing through him. After he chewed and swallowed he said, "You can leave if you want."

"We still need to talk."

"I know." He said looking down at his food, "I'm still exhausted. Could we talk tomorrow?"

"I can tell." Sara said , she still saw the exhaustion in his eyes and also in how he carried himself. "If you don't mind I kind of want to stay here."

Grissom looked surprised when she said it. Sara could see the wheels turning in his head, trying to put the pieces of a puzzle together. Than a light bulb went off, "Nothing is happening between Heather and I if that is what you are worried about?" That was his current hypothesis, Sara was there to make sure nothing had or would happened between him and Heather. No one would ever believe Heather was just his friend. If she had been anything other than a dominatrix before she became a couples therapist, would everyone have the same theory about him and Heather. Would his former friends have accepted her more if she had been something normal?

"I didn't think anything would happen." Sara said trying to hold her temper in, "I just don't…" She sighed, telling the truth, "I don't want to go home and be alone."

"Oh." Grissom said feeling foolish. "I guess I could use the company too." He said looking up at Sara.

"Come on eat." She said, "When was the last time you ate?"

"Breakfast yesterday." Grissom responded.

"Yeah I heard what happened to that." Sara smiled at him, remembering Brass complaining about how Grissom had vomited all over him.

"I tried to warn him."

* * *

When they finished Sara grabbed the dishes and returned them downstairs. "Thanks for dinner."

"Now problem." Heather said smiling "How is he doing?"

"Better I think." Sara said, "You don't mind me staying?"

"No of course not." Heather kept a smile on her face, "You two talk yet?"

"Not really. He is still exhausted and I don't want to push him too much."

"It is good he is getting rest." Heather said, "Will help him heal."

Sara nodded. It was weird to be standing in Heathers kitchen talking about her ex-husband. Sara felt comfortable though, and in a place that use to creep her out. Heather also brought a bit of jealousy out of her. Grissom was Sara's after all, not Heathers.

"Please feel at home here." Heather said, "If you cannot find anything just ask." Pausing Heather asked, "Do you need something to change into?"

"No I'll be fine." Sara replied.

"Do you need to talk to someone?" Heather offered knowing it would likely be declined. Gil was her friend, but Sara knew nothing of Heather other than the ideas that most formed upon first meeting her.

"I'm good." Sara lied, she had no idea what she was at the moment. A woman desperately holding onto a hope of a dream of her and Grissom, or a woman fighting to save her already ended marriage? Either way it seemed desperate, and she had no idea what she would do if Grissom did not want to take her back.

"Well if you need me I am just down the hallway from the guest room." Heather said before she left to go back to her study to finish her work off for the night.

Returning to the room Sara could not find Grissom. When she heard the shower turn on in the guest bathroom, or what she assumed was a bathroom she realized where he was at. Sitting on the bed she started to wonder if she should leave and return the next day. Part of her wanted to run away and never return. They had caused each other so much damage over the years, maybe it was better to leave before more damage could be done. But the damage was so worth it, when they were good they were good. They were happy.

Getting out of the bed she walked over to the bathroom door and knocked, "Griss do you mind if I turn on some different music?" She called through the door.

"Go ahead." He called back from the shower.

Walking back to the bed Sara reached over to grab Grissom's phone to find different music. The screen was locked, she wonder if he still used the same password. Typing in 0315 she smiled when the phone unlocked, he never had changed his password. Beware of the ides of March he would jokingly warn every March 15.

The screen came up to playlist, and there was one labeled Sara. Interesting, she felt a bit like a peeping tom, but she had to see what songs were inside the playlist. There were only a couple of songs in the playlist. She knew most of them to be songs, and they were their songs. But there was one or two she just didn't know. Quickly flipping out of the playlist she found one of the artist and tapped the screen to play with the first song on the playlist.

Greg choose that moment to call her. She quickly answered the phone missing the first part of the song, "Hello"

"Hey were you at?" Greg asked, "I tried calling you at home."

"I'm out. What is up?"

"Nothing. Wanted to see if you wanted to meet Jade and me for breakfast after I finish shift?"

"Probably not."

"Where you at?"

"Grissom and I are going to talk."

"Oh." Greg said holding his tongue because he had some choice words to say to Grissom, but he never would.

"How is Jade?"

"Good. She works a lot." Greg said laughing.

"Tell her Grissom has really been trying to contact her."

"I know he even texted. She's just not ready to talk yet."

"Maybe we could grab dinner tomorrow before shift?" Sara said, "That way the two have to talk."

"I am not…"

"Greg we shouldn't get between them. What Grissom said was out of anger." Sara said defending Grissom.

"I'll run it by her at breakfast and text you the answer."

"Thanks Greggo."

"Take care Sara." Greg said wanting to tell her she should leave the jerk, but it was not his place.

Hanging up the phone Sara turned her attention back to the music.

**So take me take all that I am  
****Tell me what you need me to do  
****Anything isn't a big enough word  
****Describe what I am willing to go through**

This was defiantly not Grissom's type of music. It was a female singer who sounded a bit folky. Defiantly not Grissom music taste, not that he had even had a very distinct music taste. Sara usually chose the music, and he either agreed or disagreed with it. When Sara thought about it most of the music was not Grissom's taste, Jades doing probably. She was the likely culprit that introduce Grissom to the college styled musical choices.

**The truth is  
****I'm nothing without you  
****The truth is  
****I never stopped being in love with you**

The lyrics were encouraging. Maybe they were old though. An old playlist and the song meant nothing. He could have accidently put the song in the playlist even. It meant nothing, she should not read into it. The battle inside her head continued one side feeling a nugget of hope the other trying to protect her. Quickly she began to feel like a schoolgirl, shame washed over her. It was just a damn song.

**When your eyes meet my eyes  
****I feel the center of my heart  
****Cyclical perineum  
****I'm only at home in your arms  
****Repetition creates a habit  
****Repetition breaks a habit too  
****I don't know how we are going to do this  
****Turning our old love into new**

Grissom could not hear the music from the bathroom. He took a quick shower to clear his head. After quickly drying off, he pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Swallowing his pain pills using his had to cup water from the sink to drink to help the pill go down. Walking through the guest bathroom door he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the song.

Sara saw him stop suddenly and the look of surprise on his face when he entered the room.

Sara was listening to the song. The song only listened to when he was completely alone and felt a bit masochistic. It was a singer that Jade had introduced him to.

"Feeling better?" Sara asked ignoring the look on his face. That look gave her a renewed hope.

"Yes." Grissom said, "You like the song?"

"Yeah. "

"Jade's doing." Grissom answered trying to pass the song off as something Jade simply uploaded, but he did not know Sara had followed the song from a playlist with her name on it. A playlist he had forgot he had even made on his phone.

"She's good."

"Morrissey actually discovered her." Grissom said giving background on how he came to know the artist.

"Morrissey of The Smiths?"

"Yes." Grissom smiled he knew something about music after all, "Found her playing on a street corner in the 1990's and took her on tour with him."

"Really?"

"Yes. She talked about it at a concert she played on campus."

"You went to a concert?" Sara was shocked.

"Yes." Grissom said, "It was a celebration for Jade passing her qualifying exam and entering into candidacy."

"That was nice of you."

"Well the woman isn't that bad of a singer. Though it was weird to be the only man in the crowd." Grissom said remembering the concert.

"You must care for her."

"Sara." Grissom said not upset, maybe a bit annoyed, "Yes I care for Jade, but not…" He was getting frustrated trying to find the words, he did not want to say not like I care for you, "But it's not sexual. More like fatherly or something like that." At a lost for words to describe his relationship.

"I know." Sara said smiling at him enjoying how flustered he was, as he at one time did that to her just by talking or looking at her.

Changing the subject he said, "If you want to change I have some clean boxers and t-shirt." Remembering how she used to steal his boxers and t-shirts to sleep in when they were a couple.

"Thanks." She said "I am going to go shower."

"Ok." He said walking over to his suitcase to pull out boxers and a t-shirt for her. "There is another clean towel in the bathroom. Sorry they are cold"

Sara smiled at his apology, he remembered how much she hated cold towels. "I can suffer this time."

"I'm going to go lay down." Grissom said yawning.

"Don't wait up for me." She replied closing the door behind her.

* * *

When Sara return from her shower she found Grissom laying on the bed he was struggling to stay awake. Smiling at him she said, "I told you not to wait up for me."

"I wasn't." They both knew he was lying.

Sara climbed into the bed next too him, moving next to him. At first it was awkward.

"We should try to talk." Grissom said yawning.

"Sleep."

"Sara we can't keep putting this off."

"I know." She said afraid that talking would result in fighting, and fighting would mean she would leave upset and go home to her lonely home that was once their home.

"I don't know where to start." Grissom said.

"How about do you still love me?" Sara asked not looking at Grissom, if he said no, she did not want him to see her crumble. She went straight for the jugular because that answer would define if there was a need for them to have a conversation.

"It is so much more complicated than just loving you." Grissom replied keeping his arm around her.

"It was a yes or no question Griss."

Sighing he tried to look at her face. Did she have to start the conversation with the hardest question. Yes was the answer, that was the easy part. The hard part was opening himself up and saying yes. Yes could be deadly here. If he said yes, and she said no, than what? Would she say no? After a few minutes of silence he responded, "Yes. Yes I still love you."

"Than that should be enough." Sara responded.

"It is not Sara." Grissom said sitting up. "Can you please look at me?"

Sara did as he asked, turning around and siting Indian style with her back to the headboard, she turned to look at him, "Why is it not that simple? Why did you divorce me if you love me?"

Blowing out a breath he, Grissom knew the conversation was going to be hard. He was extremely uncomfortable. He did not want to answer her, but he had spurred this conversation, and he owed her an explanation, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it might be.

"Sara you deserve someone." He paused knowing saying the words would make them completely true and he struggled over them, "You need someone better than me. You deserve someone who will put you before everything."

Sara frowned at him, is that what the problem was. "By your logic I should have left you a long time ago than. Because you also deserved someone who could be with you."

"Sara you were."

"No I left you."

"To go find yourself." Grissom said, "I know me. I have known myself for a long time. I have a few years on you after all. I did not leave to go find myself. I left Vegas to be with you, but also because I was burned out and needed to get away."

"I knew Griss." Sara said wanting to touch him, but knowing that would only impede their discussion. "Just so I am correct you divorced me because you thought I deserved someone better?"

"Yes."

"What if you were all I ever wanted?"

"There have been others." Grissom said no anger in his voice, "Rick?"

"Rick was a fling. Nothing more. Someone to pass time with." Sara said feeling dirty for saying it, but it was true. Rick had been fun at first, but than his ego got in the way. The sex was good, that was true, but it was just sex nothing more.

" What about that one guy from your birthday?" Grissom asked.

Sara was confused than she realized what Grissom was talking about, "How did you find out?"

"Hodges."

"I should have known." Sara said shaking her head, "Nothing happened. And if something had happened it really did not matter, we were separated"

"I believe you, and I was not asking if anything happened or judging you." Grissom said.

"I was hurt you didn't show up." Sara said, "I knew we were separated, but I still thought you would show up that night. You knew how much I hated my birthday, but you always made it special for me."

Grissom was frowning now, and Sara was shocked by the pain in his eyes, "I tried." He said softly. "I could not get a flight out. Than Hodges texted me, and I just assumed you had moved on."

"Less than a month after we separated?"

"You are young, and like I said I knew you deserved someone better."

"Grissom you are a good man." Sara said, "One of the best I have ever known."

"I had hoped it meant something for you, that you were moving on. I am poison to you Sara. Since you entered my life I have brought you nothing but pain." Grissom said softly allowing the truth of every word to settle in.

"That is not true." Sara said, "You brought me happiness. Happiness I never thought I would know Gris." Sara felt tears in her eyes and she willed them away, she would not cry not now.

"But I'm not the right one for you Sara." Grissom responded. "I love what I do, and I cannot stop putting my career first. I tried, and I couldn't."

"Grissom I never asked you to sacrifice your career." Sara said, "I never would. I would never ask you to change for me. I love you as you are. I knew what I was getting into when I pursued you even after you tried your best to push me away"

"Our relationship was not working long distance." Grissom said trying to make Sara see how bad they were together. He did not want her to leave, but he hoped for her own good she would.

"I know it wasn't. But it was still better than not having you."

"You shouldn't have to live like that."

"And neither should you." Sara said, "You came to me, and than I left you, for my own career."

"Why did you return to Vegas?" Grissom asked remembering her telling him it held so many demons for her.

"I had to face my demons again. I cannot let the bad things that happen run my life." Sara said she saw the admiration in Grissom's eyes.

"We shouldn't do this." Grissom said getting up from the bed. He had always known Sara was much braver than he ever could be, and he admired her for it. This was too much, he had already talked too much. He had to leave the room now before he lost all ability to keep her away from him, to keep her safe. Safety for Sara, happiness for Sara was away from Gilbert Grissom. It would hurt him yes, but it was the best option for him too. Sara had the ability to hurt him, more than anyone had since he was a child. With one word she could make what world he had crumble down around him. He had been content before she came, comfortable with life. Not happy, a bit lonely at times, but he wasn't depressed. Sara leaving him was depression he had not felt since he was a child. It was a pain that he could not deal with, it took everything away. His focus that kept him moving through everyday.

"Do what?"

"This." Grissom said trying to walk out of the room.

"Sit back down." Sara said grabbing his arm and not letting him escape, "We need to finish."

"No." Grissom said far panic rushing over him.

"Griss listen to me, please." Sara pleaded with him getting up to grab his hands. She saw that he was starting to pant, fear and pain etched across his face. "Please sit back down." She said moving him towards the bed, and he let her push him gently into sitting spot. "First you need to calm down or you are not going to hear me." She said softy, "Take deep breaths Griss."

Grissom listened to her, refusing to make eye contact. It was just a panic attack he knew it. They had happened before, rarely, but occasionally when the world became too much one would sneak up on him.

"Better?" She asked once his breathing had evened out.

"yes." Grissom still refused to look up at her.

"I do not want anyone else. There is no one better than you for me." She moved her had to his face rubbing the bruise on his chin she had caused, "I love you. More than I ever thought possible. I have felt lost without you in my life. Even just a small part in my life and I will feel better. We can go slow this time."

Grissom leaned into her hand, remembering the familiar warm touch. "Please don't." His voice was pleading, he couldn't do this again. It hurts too much.

"Gil." Sara said, "Stop denying this. You need it as much as I do. You can't tell me you haven't felt lost."

He had for longer than he could remember, but more over the past few days.

"We can be friends at first." She said, "Just talk as friends. Maybe seek counseling." Sara said, quickly adding, "Just please not through Heather."

That got a smile out of Grissom. "Just friends?"

"Yes. Friends that need to seek counseling to help them learn to talk to each other". Sara said feeling stupid for suggesting just friends, but it seemed to be an option to Grissom. "We can meet two weekends a month. I'll ask Catherine for every other weekend off. I can fly out to see you."

"Cause that worked so well last time."

"We'll make it work this time. I have so much vacation time it won't be a problem." Sara said "And once we are comfortable, we can become more than friends, and I can take a leave of absences. I am sure the lab where you are at will need help eventually, I can move out there and work."

"And leave everyone here?" Grissom said, "You can't. They are your family too."

"I will do whatever it takes to try to make us work. To really give it a chance this time."

Grissom sighed, he didn't know if this was a good idea. "I could see if UNLV has a position. Judith tried to sale the University to me over the phone, so I am sure I could probably move at the end of the year." Grissom frowned, "But I don't want to leave Jade without a dissertation chair. If I leave that would be troubling for her."

"We'll figure it out." Sara said not perturbed by Grissom worrying about his graduate student future. "But Grissom before we move on I need you to promise me something."

Grissom looked scared when he asked, "What?"

"Promise me you will talk to me before you make decisions about what is best for me?" Sara pause waiting for him to answer, when he didn't she said, "You have to know I know myself better and I should have the right to be privy to the decisions made on my behalf. Talk to me, that is all I ask. If you are worried you are not there enough or I need something more talk to me please. Otherwise you seem like an asshole making decisions for the both of us. You don't have that right Grissom. There are two of us in this relationship."

"I know."

"So you promise to talk to me?"

"Yes. I'll do my best."

"Please understand, I'm not asking you to change Griss." Sara said gently rubbing his face again, "I would never ask you to change. I love you as you are. I am just asking you to be open when it comes to the big decisions. Like divorcing me, or moving."

"I will try."

"Good." Sara said.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Grissom said trying to give her an out without pushing her away. Both having given up the pretense that they would ever just be friends. It was all or nothing for them anymore.

"I have always wanted you since the first day I saw you walk into that lecture hall. I never thought I'd get to have you, and than I did. Than you left me."

"I am sorry."

"Don't be. I needed you to leave. It helped me to know you were what I wanted, what I needed." Sara said, "I was unsure for awhile myself." Sara was honest. "We had been apart for so long. That it seemed we could function without each other. I used to need. Not just out of love, but because I needed to know I had someone." Sara felt tears behind her eyes remembering how weak she had once been, "But than I didn't need you anymore. Now I want you in my life."

Grissom understood what she meant even if it was not the clearest thought process. "As long as you are sure."

"You are not trying to be chivalrous and staying with me simply because I want it?"

"No." Grissom said, "I meant it when I said that you would be the ruin of me. I knew you would wreck me. Before you, I never expected to have more than work to keep me going. I never expected anyone to love me. I was ok with that. I was comfortable with the way my life was progressing." He did not add that he was sure he did not deserve love, as he had learn so often in his life. The first time she said she loved him, he remembered it well. His hear stopped, he felt like he couldn't breathe. How could somebody love something like him?

Sara frowned at him, how could no one ever love him, how could he think no one would ever.

"You made me happy. The happiest I can ever remember being. I was willing to let you wreck me if it meant just a few more minutes of being with you, a few more hours of feeling what it was to be loved. Me being happy was never meant to hold, and I knew one day you would wake up and realize you were better off without me."

He stopped talking for a few seconds to think of his next words, "Than when you never left, I realized I just couldn't keep hurting you. I felt like I was sucking the life out of you. I wanted you to have a chance to find happiness. I was blocking that. I kept thinking it was only a matter of time, a matter of time before you would realize I was not worthy. You would leave."

"I would never just drop you Griss." Sara said tears now in her eyes, "You weren't blocking me from being happy. You made me happy to Griss. I got courage from knowing you were there, courage to face down some of my darkest demons. Without you I never would have made it through."

Grissom replied, "No you did that all on your own."

"But I knew you would be there the second I needed you." Sara said.

"I am not so sure I would have been."

"You would have been Gil." Sara said smiling with tears in her eyes, she knew before Warrick's death Grissom would have come to her. After Warrick's death she saw the change in him, she saw the pain, but she could not deal with his pain even if he had let her in, and let her help.

**Now I a lying beside you  
****A stranger in your arms  
****We drift apart and come back like a stone  
****Like a stone**

They sat in silence for a few minutes, letting their own thoughts work around inside their heads. Finally Sara broke the silence, she could see Grissom was exhausted, he had really tried to be open tonight with her. He had opened up to her, more than the entire time they were married.

"Thank you Gil."

"For what?" Confused by her words, why was she tanking him.

"For being so open with me tonight." Sara said hugging him.

Grissom frowned, "I don't mean to shut you out."

"I know Griss." Sara said. "It just frustrating at times."

"sorry. I can only try." Grissom said.

"That is good enough for me." Sara said leaning in and gently kissing his chin. "Sorry." She said when he winced.

"You have a good right hook." He said a small smile on his face.

"I should not have hit you."

"I deserved it." Grissom said, "It's fine. A lesser man's pride would have been bruised."

"But not yours?" Sara asked smiling at Grissom holding a laugh in.

"No."

"Come on you've done enough in one night." Sara said pulling the covers back. It took Grissom 49 years to build the walls up around himself, she knew she would not crack the walls in a day, in one conversation. It would be a long process, but she felt like just maybe they would get through it. He was trying, and she was trying, and for now that was good enough. "Let's go to bed. We can talk more tomorrow."

**I'm coming home cause  
****I can see in your eyes  
****The sparkle shines forever  
****This forever  
****I can feel when we touch  
****The fire burns forever  
****This is forever**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Extremely sorry for the delay. I did not forget about this story. Very hectic life right now.** End of the spring semester for graduate student means 1) Grant applications due, 2)shit I need to do some form of work to show that I have been doing something on my dissertation, 3) undergraduates want to meet to discuss their grades because they finally realize they should have you know studied or at least come to class or maybe cared a bit more earlier, 4) this means a lot of crying and uncomfortable silences on my part and even some girls hitting on me as if I'll suddenly go you know what i'll take your C- or F and make it an A+ because you hit on me (seriously I beg a female colleague stay in the office with me when one of my failing female undergrads shows up, no males have hit on me yet, but i'd do the same if one had), 5) recruitment of both future faculty, possible graduate students, and a crap ton of people wanting me to review their work (don't become the stats expert it is not worth the hassle).

**Anyways THANK YOU ALL who stuck with this. This is pure stream of consciousness so yeah sorry if it is bad. Next chapter should not be as long a wait. **

* * *

**Chapter 9: I don't trust myself (with loving you)**

Something was making a noise. Grissom groggy brain was trying to figure out the noise that was bringing him back to consciousness. Something warm and heavy was on his chest, hair against his face. His hair was not long enough to be in his face. His arm was trapped under something, and it felt dead. He tried to shift it, but could not move it. Finally, opening his eyes he turned his head to see the familiar brunette. The sound was back too. Was she making the noise? His fogged brain question quickly negating itself because it was a stupid question.

"Sara." His voice rough from sleep finally having realized exactly what the noise was.

She mumbled something but did not respond.

"Sara your phone." Grissom said shifting out from under Sara. He thought it best they not wake up in the intimate position he found them in. His arm now feeling like someone was stabbing it with pins. He shook it to try to bring some life back to the poor limb.

Sara opened her eyes when she felt the warmth move from underneath her. Looking over she saw Grissom looking down at her.

"Your phone is going off."

"Oh." She said sitting up and grabbing the vibrating device off the nightstand. It was work, and that caused her to frown she was so tired. "Hello."

"Sara did I wake you?" Catherine's voice came over the phone.

"Yes." No reason to lie it was clear from her voice she had been sleeping.

"Sorry, but we could use help tonight. There is another body. We think it is your case. Out of town visitor, found in an alley, with no ID on them. Not two blocks from the last one."

"Text me the address. I'll be within the hour."

"Thanks Sara. I sent Nick already."

"Ok." Sara said before saying goodbye.

She looked at Grissom who was sitting up in bed now. "I need to go in. There is a fresh dead body on a case I have been working."

"Ok." Grissom said not sure what to say.

" Can we meet for dinner later?" Sara asked, "I can get Greg to bring Jade so you can talk to her."

"Sure." Grissom said, "But I think I'm going to call Greg later and see if he won't let me go talk to her before than. I owe her an apology and it should probably be in person."

"Text me and I'll give you Greg's number." Sara said grabbing her clothes to go to the bathroom.

"I don't have your number."

Sara frowned, they did not have each other numbers. Grabbing her phone she tossed it to him, "Call yourself and that way you'll have my number and I'll have yours."

Doing as he was told Grissom set her phone back on the night stand, "I'll go down and get some coffee made."

Grissom smiled as he walked down the stairs. It was weird to be at Heathers house with Sara, but it had ended up working for the better. It was a neutral ground, at least for him it was. Maybe not for Sara, but she was the one who had the least amount of defenses built up. He felt safe here, and it was enough to allow him a chance to really talk to Sara. Things were not perfect between them, may never be, and that made him frown. He wanted things to be better again. As much as he wish he didn't need her, he did. He needed her more than anything he had ever had in his life before.

Heather walked out of her den and smiled at her friend. "Everything ok?"

"Yes. Sara has to go into work. I thought I would make her some coffee."

Heather sat down at the kitchen table, "Did you two talk?"

"Yes." Grissom said not providing details as he fumbled around looking to make coffee.

As much as Heather wanted to stop him and play the proper host, she knew he needed to do something right now. She could read it in his body language and just given her general knowledge of him. "Are you two going to continue to talk?"

"We are going to try." Grissom responded hoping Heather would let the subject drop.

"Good." Was all she said before getting up, "It's 3 am I'm going to bed now."

"Good night Heather."

"Good night Gilbert."

Heather passed Sara on the steps and smiled at her, "Good night Sara."

"Good night Heather, thanks again."

"My pleasure."

Sara found the kitchen by hearing the sound of Grissom who was moving around looking for something to put the coffee in.

"I had an idea." Sara said when she walked into the room.

"Would not be the first time." Grissom joked, not able to stop himself. He was mostly happy, and that was good enough. He had felt better than he had felt in a long time. There was hope again, and hope, even false hope, was better than no hope.

"Har har har funny." She responded, "How would you feel about moving back to my place until you leave town?"

Grissom looked at Sara surprised, he had not thought about moving back to Sara's. Not sure if it was the best option given previously what had occurred.

"Just hear me out." Sara said, "Honestly, I am a bit uncomfortable here. I know Heather is your friend, and I would never say you could not be friends. It just weird for me."

"Ok." Grissom responded.

"Ok you'll come to my place?"

"Ok. I'll think about it?" Grissom said but seeing the look on Sara's face made him quickly follow up knowing his cryptic answer needed something more to make Sara happy, "Last time just did not work out so well, and we still need to work a lot of things out. I am not sure being under the same roof again is the best idea."

Sara smiled, encouraged by the fact Grissom choose to follow up with an explanation, he was trying, "I know we still need to work things out. It would be easier for me if we did it somewhere other than here. Plus I am sure La…" Sara stopped herself from using the former dominatrix title, "Heather would like to have her house back to continue her practice."

"Can I have some time to think about it?" Grissom said, "You should think about it too."

"We'll talk after shift?" Sara asked, "I can call you."

"Sounds good." Grissom said handing her the coffee finally having found disposable travel cups.

"Ok I got to go." Sara said standing and looking at Grissom for a second longer.

* * *

Sitting down at the breakfast table, Grissom slowly ate his toast lost in thought. The past few days had been a lot of stuff happening, a lot of things happening. He needed to take a moment to think through everything. Now seemed like to be the best time Heather was no where to be found, and he knew he had some time before Jade and/or Greg would be awake and willing to answer his text messages. In regards to all of his relationships that were all clinging to the edge of a cliff about ready to fall. He had to proceed delicately or the life lines he had built would break and he would be left with nothing.

The easiest was to start with Jade. However, he already had a good idea on how to fix that relationship. An apology, telling her what he really felt about her would work best. He just had to find the words and get her to listen. Maybe tickets to a concert? No, that would not work for Jade. She would see it as a way of him to placate the situation. He had seen it happen before. When Jade's mother visited, she brought the girl a present, and Jade had said something bitter about trying to buy her love back. Jade would want the truth, the complete truth. Otherwise he knew Jade would grow to resent him for trying to play her.

Telling her the entire truth was easier said than done. He knew when it came to talking about feelings, neither party was really good at it. Would it be simple enough to say, I am sorry. I was a dick. Somewhat of a dick, she would say. He would answer back, I know, please forgive me. I should never have treated you that way. I do value you. Not just because you do good work, but because I think of you as the daughter I never had. The daughter I never had, and never thought I wanted until I meant you. Even if I do not always show it and I am a dickhead. Maybe he could write it in a card and have Greg give it to her. He smiled at the idea knowing he could not do that either. Thought Jade would probably appreciate it because once he said those things it would be awkward for a bit. Jade not knowing how to react, Grissom having no idea what to say next and feeling open to attack. However, he valued her enough to say those words and suffer whatever fate.

See that was easy, he thought smiling to himself. His smile quickly turned to a frown. Now onto the next subject. Sara. Where to start with her? They had talked and it was productive. However, it may have been too productive. Once again Sara was willing to cave in for his sake. To make things easy on him. That had been the problem with them, she kept caving in until she didn't and that had started the downward spiral. What to do about Sara? Should he move in with her, even for only a couple of weeks?

He felt tension rise in his chest at the idea. He was once again left wondering some of the same questions he had pondered after Sara made it clear she wanted a relationship with him all those years ago. Who did she love, him or the thought of him? The evidence never lied, and he knew in this case the evidence was all in his memories. So he let them wash over him while he stared out through the window at the small garden behind Heathers house.

* * *

She had been nervous to walk up and ask her question. It had taken half of the semester before she had enough courage even walk up to him. She blamed it mostly on the first day of class. When the great Dr. Gilbert Grissom walked in she had been sure the man had walked into the wrong room. A world-renowned entomologist did not look like that. She was sure she blushed when he finally started class and introduced himself. She had ogled him the first few minutes before class had started. It took weeks before she stopped blushing when he looked at her. It was a class of 300 students, so she was sure he was looking past her, but still it was enough to make her blush. Those impure thoughts about him were brought back every time his baby blues came her direction.

"Dr. Grissom."

"Yes?" He said looking up from packing his notes away into his leather messenger bag.

"I was wondering if you had any recommendations regarding graduate programs?"

"In what?" He asked seemingly impatient. In reality he was starving. He had caught the red eye back to San Fran and he was exhausted and hungry.

"In Forensic Science." Sara said noting how impatient he was, would he be another one of those people she looked up to only to meet them and realize they really are just jerks. "I know of your work and I thought you might have some recommendations. I have searched programs, but well there are so few of them and none of them seem very strong. You see I am already a paid intern at the local forensics lab, and I want to expand my career. After I get my bachelors of science I can formally apply to become a CSI and my boss assures me that I will easily get the position. But I was thinking that maybe I want to learn a bit more, maybe specialize in something."

Grissom smiled finally, ok this was a question he could handle, despite his exhaustion and hunger. It helped that he wanted to answer it. He had noticed the girl a few times in the class, she sat towards the front and seemed to look away every time he looked at her. She was a promising student, the TA had put her essay exam on the top of exams of the best students. Grissom had felt detached from the entire process because his TA did all of the grading, which meant he had no idea how students were doing. So he had requested the TA to pull the top, middle, and bottom 10 assignments or exams each time to give him idea of what the students were getting out of the class and where some were struggling. "Can you meet during my office hours next week and we can discuss the programs?"

"Ok thank you." Sara replied but than she remembered, "It's springbreak this week. Will you be having office hours? Most professors don't during springbreak."

"Yes." He had forgotten that next week was springbreak. Good he would have time off to catch up on his own work, those papers he was supposed to be writing, and that text book he was supposed to review. Plus he had to prepare for a couple of court cases from his work at the lab. "But I understand if you are going away for springbreak. We can meet another time if necessary?"

She smiled at him again. "No I can meet next week. I am not going anywhere. I have work to do at the lab. Thank you Dr. Grissom."

He than noticed the beautiful brown orbs looking back him. A man could get lost in those eyes, he thought to himself. "I am sorry. It is Ms Sidle right?"

"Yes. Sara Sidle". She was secretly jumping up and down inside, he knew her name.

"Please call me Grissom, anything but Dr. Grissom."

"Ok" She said turning to leave a bit giddy inside, her boss would be shocked she was talking to the Gilbert Grissom or just Grissom.

"Miss Sidle?"

"Yes." She said turning around to face him.

He felt embarrassed for asking, but he had yet to really explore San Francisco he had been too busy working the entire time. With Springbreak next week, he had a break from teaching. When he had agreed to be a guest lecture he had not expected it to be this much work. In all honesty, he had needed a break from the lab and work for a bit. He felt the early signs of burnout forming.

"Where is a good place to grab a bite to eat?" Grissom asked but continued to talk much to his surprise, "I just got in an hour before I was to start and I am starving. I really have not taken time to explore the city."

"There are quite a few good ethnic places a couple of blocks from here." She smiled at him, "I could give you directions." She said setting her book bag down to grab out a sheet of paper to write down the

He surprised them both with the words that came out next, "How about you accompanied me? If you don't have class. I mean, we could talk about some of the programs and I can try to help with whatever."

He felt stupid for being so tongue tied, but to be honest he did not want to eat alone tonight. It was wrong of him to take advantage of some poor student who just wanted information from him, but he needed someone to keep the thoughts away. The case he had gone back to testify about had haunted him, still, even now he could see the lifeless eyes of the little boy. His so-called parents had tortured the kid to death. The neighbors all spoke very highly of the little boy, and yet no one had bothered to call child protective services despite the obvious signs of torture. The parents had locked the kid in the basement for weeks on end, feeding him only bread and water. The mother had broken down and said she was only doing what the father had said we best for the troublesome child. She admitted to not talking to her son for over a month before she and her husband and pushed the boy too far during the last beating. There was evidence of repeating beatings. The boy's back had been covered in lacerations fresh and old from a whip. Multiple broken bones. It was a tragedy, and it was a tragedy that could have been avoided if anyone had just reached out to the correct people.

It did not help that the case had occurred at the same time his longest running relationship with a woman was ending. He could still see his mothers disappointment when he had told her that Ashley had left him. She had given up on having grandchildren a long time ago, but now she told him she had given up on ever seeing her son get married too. It had stung a bit, but he had expected it. The breakup had hurt him, but not as much as it probably should have. She was not what he had been looking for in a woman. She was a successful lawyer and smart, but she cared little about what he did. Hell she actively tried to negate his entire life work by defending the very people he was trying to help put away. Of course she had been the one to end it, he was too much of a coward to end it with her. Who else would he find? He was a middle aged man, with serious baggage, and his people skills well they were almost non-existent. His mom telling him she had given up any hope of him getting married had just made it even more clear to him that it was work he should devote himself to because there would be nothing else left for him.

Sara was surprised at the offer. His eyes intrigued her. She had noticed a slight change in his behavior today, but she figured it was the same fatigue everyone seemed to have around springbreak. But now up close she could see, it was almost as if he was haunted by something. Or maybe she was just projecting. "Sure. I don't have class tonight and I am off work."

"Great. Do you mind if we stop by my office so I can drop off my bags?" He asked grabbing his overnight bag from under the podium.

"Sure" She said smiling.

"What year are you?" Grissom asked to fill the silence between them as they walked across the quad to the building that held his office.

"I am in my last year of undergraduate study." She said smiling proud of herself. It was something she had always wanted to do, better herself through getting an education. The choice of what she would study was easy, criminal justice and biology. She wanted to learn why her mother had done what she did, but also if Sara had to worry that she too would do the same.

**No I'm not the man I use to be lately  
****See you meant me at an interesting time  
****And if my past is any sign of your future  
****You should be warn before I let you inside**

Both were pleasantly surprised how easy the conversation was between them. Grissom had felt himself relax, the demons chasing at his heels backing off for now. Dinner had been going well. Since it was so nice out, they decided to opt for stopping at a couple of food vendors. Some had carts, but most were food trucks. Sara insisted on him trying a bit of everything. Grissom was happy to listen to her, as he could not help but listen to her. The shape of her mouth, the light in her eyes, everything was very intriguing to him. He felt feelings he knew he should not feel towards a student. He pushed them away as they were highly in appropriate. Plus a young woman like Sara would want nothing to do with an old fart like himself.

After they finished eating at a small park, Sara asked if he felt like walking. They had yet to discuss graduate schools. He agreed needing to walk off all of the food they had consumed. Halfway to the Golden Gate bridge he stopped her, "Would you like to grab a coffee?"

Sara smiled, "Why not, but not here. We are going somewhere local."

"Ok." Grissom said smiling as she grabbed his arm and pulled him towards a corner coffee shop that was not Starbucks. He felt her warm hand around his wrist and it made him shiver. Like with dinner, Grissom insisted on buying the coffees as well.

They continue to walk towards the Golden Gate Bridge, the conversation relaxed. Grissom was surprised by some of the questions Sara asked. It was as if she had taken in every word he had said during his lectures. The questions were insightful and way past anything he had expected from an undergraduate. When the conversation naturally moved into forensic he felt just as surprised by her questions. She did not once ask the mundane questions most asked when they found out what he did for a living.

The night ended well. They walked back to campus. Grissom was more exhausted than he wished to admit. All of the walking had taken a lot out of him, and he had not had a decent sleep in awhile.

"Let me drive you home." He said noting how late it was.

"It is ok I can take the tram."

"No I insist." Grissom said, "We never did get to talk about graduate schools."

Sara smiled at him, "Still up for meeting next week?"

"Of course."

"You know the guys at the lab are going to be jealous."

Grissom arched an eyebrow at her. Sara found the gesture endearing. Was he clueless as to how well known he was.

"They won't believe I got to pick your brain about everything." She said, "Some were jealous was taking the class. The lab supervisor had joked about sneaking into your lectures." Sara did not add that the man had chosen not to because hew as sure the lectures would actually be boring.

"really." Grissom was truly surprised. He knew he was good at what he did, but he had not expected it to make him famous, even if it was a small academic circle that found him to be famous.

"Yes." She said, "Your articles have become mandatory reading the CSI's at the lab."

"Good to know somebody is reading it."

"Oh they are." Sara said getting into Grissom car.

When he dropped her off at her apartment she thanked him again for a good evening, and waved goodbye while she walked into the apartment.

Grissom turned the radio on to keep him awake while he drove back to the apartment on the university campus that had been reserved for him. Once inside he dropped his keys and wallet on the living room table and dragged his tired body back to the bedroom. He quickly undressed, not bothering to put on pajamas. It was too hot in the apartment. Climbing under the cool sheets he plugged his phone into the charger and quickly dropped into a restful slumber.

**Hold onto whatever you find baby  
****Hold onto whatever will get you through  
****Hold onto whatever you find baby  
****I don't trust myself with loving you**

The next week Sara showed up promptly for his office hours and they talked about graduate schools finally. Grissom felt brave and asked her if she wished to repeated the week before. She had agreed saying they could go somewhere else this time. Had he seen Fisherman's Warf yet?

It was that night that he asked if she would be interested in helping him on a project. It would not be for publication, but a chapter in an edited volume. It was rare for undergraduates to be offered this chance, but he was impressed with her knowledge of the field, and he really did need someone to help him. If anything editing would be what she would do. It would look good on her graduate application as well.

Of course she jumped at the chance to help him. They quickly outlined times for them to work, and an additional list of readings for Sara to complete to aid in her gaining the knowledge Grissom thought she needed. It would be her final paper for the class, so that she would not be overloaded. She had fought him on it, saying she wanted to complete the final paper as well, and he left it to her to decide. It was than he let it slip that she was actually the top of the class grade wise.

The two continued to meet almost daily once they started working on the book chapter. He found her presences comforting. All of that passion he had once had was coming back to him, and he felt like just maybe he would be ready to go back to the lab at the end of the semester.

It was not until the last week, finals week, that either of them made a move. Sara had thought she was reading the signs right. The lingering glances in her direction, the occasional touches that lingered a bit longer, and the way he sought out her company when neither of them were working. While their time spent together had been under the guise of working on the book chapter, Sara quickly realized Grissom could have easily of wrote the chapter by himself.

Later she might blame it on the fact she had just got a double dose of good news. Not only did she get into the graduate program of her choice, but she was offered a job upon graduation at the lab she had been an intern at for the past year.

Grissom smiled when she told him the news, "We have to go out and celebrate." He grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair while standing up. "Your choice, somewhere nice is mandatory."

The restaurant was a bit more romantic than she had expected, but he seemed comfortable enough there.

"While this is not as good as the news you have received today" Grissom started, "The TA dropped off the papers before you came. I read through your term paper and I believe it to be of publishable quality. You should send it off to a journal. I know a couple of folks who I can email ahead of time to warn them, so that they do not just trash it since you do not have a Phd."

"Really?" Sara said surprised because she had done the work herself. Grissom had suggested and loaned her a couple of books, and gave her a few pointers on how to write a true empirical article.

"Yes." Grissom said. "Of course you will need to bet IRB approval since you used the body farm on campus."

"I can do that." She said knowing the chair of the department would be more than willing to sign the paperwork for her.

It was after dinner when they were walking that she finally gave into her impulse. While they were sitting in their spot looking off into the bay, she leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.

Grissom saw her in his periphery coming towards him, but he could not move away. When her soft lips touched his cheek he felt the warmth spread through is body. Her lips were as soft as he had imagined them to be, had dreamt them to be as well. Turning his head he began to speak, "Sara we shouldn…"

Before he could finish she planted anther kiss on his lips this time. He found himself returning the kiss. When they broke apart a smile formed on Sara's face, "I had been thinking about doing that for way too long." She said.

"We can't." He said standing up and trying to move away from her.

"Why not?" She asked standing up as well, "You are no longer my professor. You yourself just told me today you got my final paper."

"I know but I was your professor." He said, "This relationship will never be on equal footing."

"I am not some school girl." She answered back, "I am not hot for the teacher. IF that is what you are worried about."

"no it's just…"

"What?" Sara said, "You yourself had said that you needed to live a bit more."

"I did?" Grissom said not remembering.

"Not in so many words, but yes." Sara said, "You were talking about how all you ever do is work. And how this had been a nice break from work."

They talked more, and eventually Grissom gave into her. He had tired everything from he is too old for her, to he was her professor, to he just could not. Sara countered him at each step.

"It is just one week Grissom." She said. "You go back to your work and I have to decided to either go to graduate school or work in the lab. It will be uncomplicated. Just two consenting adults who have chemistry finding solace in each other. A fling. I recently read online that you will date 5 people before you settle down to marry someone. One of them was the one that got away, we can be each others one that got away."

He gave in completely gave in to her. Later he would question himself about his motives, and her motives. She had not known him but she was so sure she had known him. What she had seen was the exhausted him, not the real him. However, it was one week, and they would part ways on good terms.

They had made the most of that week too. As promised, when it was time to part there were no hard feelings. Grissom desperately wanted to stay and be with her, but he knew it would never work out. She loved the thought of him, once she got to know him, well she would do what everyone else had done before, leave him. The baggage he carried was too much for him sometimes let alone someone so young, someone so full of life. She had breathed some life into him, and he felt revived.

**I will beg my way into your garden  
****Than I'll break my way out when it rains  
****Just to get back to the place where I started  
****So I can want you back all over again**

They had remained friendly even after he left. He followed her career as she easily moved up the ranks as a CSI. She had chosen a career over graduate school, citing she could always go back later. He had told her that not everyone had to go to graduate school, some were born to work in the field and he was sure she had the natural talent.

It had shocked even him when he thought to call her. He needed someone he could trust, someone who would do a good job. Sara was all he could think of at the time. Once again, if he was honest, and that was what he was trying to be with himself, he had invited her to Vegas for himself. At the time he was not the man in charge of the lab. He could start up their relationship again, if she was interested. He had missed her, she had showed him what he was missing and he wanted that hole filled again.

Unfortunately, life did not have the same plan he had. Jim had been booted back to the PD and he was made shift supervisor. Any relationship with Sara would mean the end of either of their careers. That he could not jeopardize. It was a risk he could not take. He could not lose the only thing he had left in his life (his job) for something he was sure would fail.

It did not help that his impending hearing lost also helped him build up the wall that had protected him from her. He could not let anyone know, it would be the end of his career. It had come close to ending a few times because of his damn hearing. The operation had worked, but by than the damage was done.

He hated himself some days for the way he treated her. When she asked him out to breakfast the way he declined her. Each of her advances spurned. It got to the point where he found it best just to ignore her. She could not get to him if he ignored her. He saw the pain it caused her. But he kept doing it. Even after she had tried to move on. His blood had boiled with anger and jealously when he found out she was dating that paramedic. Like the jerk he was, he had taken it out on Sara. He had been so harsh to her that she wanted to leave, not the lab, she wanted to leave him. He knew that when he showed up her door. She loved her job, it was him she could no longer take. By some miracle he was able to talk her into staying.

Things settled down eventually. They were almost back to their comfortable friendship. It helped he had been there for her when she went through the DUI disaster. He cared for her, but he could not open up to her. It was not until later that he had found out she had heard what he had said to the suspect they could never quite catch, Dr. Lurie. She had told him it had been so depressing to hear, but later it gave her a bit of hope. It was than she decided to keep at him. Eventually she would get through to him. The Grissom from San Fran was inside him, she just had to find him again.

**Who do you love?  
****Girl I see through you love  
****Who do you love?  
****Me or the thought of me?  
****Me or the thought of me?**

It was the night she showed up at his townhouse. It had been a particularly difficult case for him to deal with. She was assisting him and she had seen the same look in his eyes she had observed in San Fran. The haunted look that washed over him. Catherine, his normal safety net, was out of town on vacation. All of the guys were too wrapped up in their lives to notice that Grissom was becoming to attached to the case. It was when she saw him the third day in the row in the same clothes as when the case started that she had threatened to go to Eckile if Grissom did not go home, shower, and get some sleep.

However, it was a false threat. After he threatened to make her life hell with every suspicious odor case and every decomp for the next year, he settled into begging her to let him finish the case. The emotions he showed, she knew were due to exhaustion, but she could not deny him the chance. So she made him promise if they did not find what they needed to crack the case, he would go home in two hours time to shower and sleep. It was in the break room where she practically had to force feed him to get him to eat that the break had came. She had been complaining about the taste of the coffee when Grissom shot out of his seat. He later explained the entire case to her as they rushed to find Brass and Doc Robbins to get confirmation.

With the case solved Grissom looked like he was about ready to pass out. Sara offered to drive him home and pick him up after he got some rest so he could retrieve his car. Upon seeing Grissom for the third day in the row, Eckile demanded Grissom take the next two days off and only be on call in case he was needed. Exhausted beyond a point he thought possible, Grissom easily agreed.

It was on the way to his home that Grissom started to talk to her again. She had thought he had drifted off to sleep, but he had been thinking. "What made you give into me and let me finish the case today?"

It was Sara's turn to raise an eyebrow at him, "You wan the truth?"

"Always." He said and mumbled, "Even if it will hurt."

Sara frowned, "I saw the same look in your eyes as you had that day I came up to talk to you after class in San Francisco."

"What look?" Grissom asked stifling a yawn, it was not that the conversation was so boring, it was he was so exhausted.

"Haunted. Your eyes were haunted." She said and saw disbelief on his face, "Normally your eyes are full of light. When you are on a case, or onto something new and interesting to you, its like dealing with a kid with ADHD. You are alive, you eyes are this beautiful blue. Tonight they were dull, and it was not just exhaustion. Something else there."

"So because I looked haunted?" Grissom said looking at her in disbelief.

"I knew even if you went home you would not turn off. I figured if we did not crack the case in two hours I'd just slip you a sleeping pill and have you crash out on the couch in your office."

"Why do you care so much?" Grissom asked. He had wondered about that often. The way he treated her and yet she still cared.

"Because I do. Catherine was not here to stop you from spiraling out of control. " She said, "Someone had to step up."

The look on his face left her wondering if he thought he did not deserve to be cared for, that someone should worry about him. What he said next surprised her.

"We never talk about San Francisco and what happened."

"I figured you did not want to talk about it." Sara replied to him not taking her eyes off the road.

"You do know I did not mean to take advantage of you back than."

"I always thought I was the one who took advantage of you." She smiled at him, "I mean I made the first moves and convinced you."

"But I had the power to say no."

"I am glad you didn't."

"Do you regret taking my call that day?"

She knew what day he was talking about, "No." She answered after a moment of thinking about it, "I enjoy Vegas. I enjoy my work."

After a minute of silence she asked, "Do you regret making the call?"

"No." His answer was within seconds after she finished speaking, he did not need to think about it. "The only thing I regret is never having enough courage to try and continue what we had in San Francisco. I am sorry I hurt you."

Sara was surprised by his statement. "While we are being open." And she was surprised that he was being so open with her, "Why didn't you allow what had started to continue?"

"Because I was so sure you only liked the idea of me. Not me." Again he spoke without having to think much about it.

"What do you mean?" Sara asked confused.

"You got to know me when I was at a crossroads in my life. I had just ended a relationship, I was close to burning out, and I was looking for something different in life. I was not myself back than. I was so sure you only wanted that part of me. The small part you got to know."

"But now?" She asked.

"Well if you still want me after all that we've been through, what I've put you through than I doubt it is just the idea of me. The evidence never lies after all."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying that if you are willing, this idiot would like to take you out tomorrow night for a proper date. I would like to start over again."

* * *

**A/N: Song by John Mayer. **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Again thank you for the reviews and patience while I finish off yet another semester. Again stream of consciousness writing. I think this ends in 2 chapters. I keep thinking it's going to end and then something else comes up. **

* * *

**Chapter 10: Colorblind **

"Hey Greg." Sara said walking into the break room after a long unexpected shift.

"I heard you got called in." Greg said sipping his coffee. "How was the talk?"

"Movement forward."

"In the right direction?" He asked.

"Yes." Sara replied, "How is Jade?"

"Good. "

"Do you think you could help me out and try to get her to answer one of Grissom's text messages, or maybe dinner tonight before shift?"

"Grissom texted me earlier. I'm guessing he got my number from you." Greg asked not upset that Sara had given his number to Grissom.

"Yes. He is trying to make things right. He knows he screwed up."

"Always covering for him." Greg said a bit bitter, Jade had told him everything that had occurred and for the first time Greg really wanted to punch Grissom in the face, and Greg was not the violent type.

"No. I am trying to help him make things right." Sara said a little upset that Greg thought she was just trying to smooth things over for Grissom. Far from it, she was trying to give him a chance, he was the one who had to take that chance. "Please do it for me?"

"I'll do my best." Greg said.

"Thank you." Sara said.

"Speak of the devil." Greg said when his phone went off on the table indicating he had a text message . The screen lit up with the first line of the message from Jade. "She's out front."

"How about we all go out for breakfast?" Sara said knowing if she and Greg double teamed the girl they might get results.

"Ok." Greg said kind of wishing he would have said no after he said ok. He kind of liked having one on one time with Jade. She was well different, and he liked different.

Jade was surprised to see Sara walking out with Greg. Greg had been kind enough to let her use his car while he was working. She did not really go anywhere, but it was nice to know if she wanted to she could have driven somewhere.

"Good morning." Greg said climbing into the front seat.

"Morning." Jade said, "How was work?"

"Good." Greg answered as he buckled his seatbelt. "Sara is coming with us to breakfast. Hope that is ok?"

"Yeah." Jade said not overly thrilled. Despite being angry at Grissom for what he had said and done, Jade still was on his side regarding everything that had happened at the house between Grissom and the jerk. Sara had taken the jerks side, and that was a clear violation of Jades code. Jade would have Grissom's back almost any day of the week, even now when she was extremely upset with him. She respected him even if she now hated him.

Sara smiled at Jade from the backseat of the car, "Has Greg shown you the sights yet?"

"Yeah." Jade answered and continued to tell Sara about the places Greg and she had gone to. Greg had showed her all of the tourist attractions. "I actually got him on the Stratosphere"

"That is one of Griss's favorites." Sara smiled at the memories, "He probably dragged me onto that roller coaster a thousand times over the years."

"Well it was fun." Greg said noticing the uneasiness settling over the car.

The diner was not too far from the lab, and the three easily found parking the the early hours of the morning. Once inside, Sara waited for her moment to come to bring up Grissom again. The moment came just after they finished eating. Greg excused himself to go use the rest room.

"Have you heard from Grissom?" Sara asked Jade.

Jade looked at Sara and was deciding how to answer, tell the truth or lie. "Dr. Grissom has tried to contact me."

Sara noticed the use of Dr. Grissom and not Doc, so the girl was still pissed. "He has been worried about you."

"Really?" Jade said genuinely surprised.

"Yes." Sara said following up with, "What happened at the house, you have to understand that he was under a lot of pressure and well Griss does not deal well with emotions. He blew up at you, and I am not defending him, he was a dick, but he did not mean what he said. I know he didn't. He was just hurting and overwhelmed with emotions at the time."

Jade just looked at Sara not sure how to respond. Sara decided after a few seconds of silence to continue to talk, "If you could give him a chance he really does want to talk to you. Just give him a chance."

Sara watched the girl for a few moments trying to gauge if she was even listening.

"I'll try." Jade said, "I am still upset with him."

"I know. He is a dick sometimes. Believe me I know."

"Did you two talk?" Jade asked instantly feeling embarrassed for asking about personal details, it was unlike her, but she seemed to care.

"Yes. And it was productive."

"Good." Jade meant it too. She had hoped her adviser would find a way to work things out with Sara.

Before Sara could continue the conversation her phone rang. Looking at the screen and frowned, she did not notice the number.

"Hello Sara Sidle." Sara answered the phone.

"Um Ms Sidle." The voice was unsure, "I'm here with a Betty Grissom and well I did not want to leave her out front without knowing someone was around, given her condition."

Sara was confused, out front where? "Where are you?"

The person rattled off an address, and it was Sara's. "I'll be there in a few minutes." Sara got up quickly, looking down at her phone all of the text messages Betty had sent finally coming through. It was a problem she had sometimes with her phone. Text messages not being received until much later, the cell phone carrier told her it had something to do with the network and a cell tower. "I have to go. Griss's mom is in town." Sara dropped some money on the table having forgot that Jade and Greg drove her to the diner.

Greg choose that moment to come back from his convenient trip to the bathroom. "What's up?"

"Griss mom is in town."

"Really." Greg said interested he had only meant the woman briefly during a case.

"Yes she is out front of my house."

"Better get going than." Greg said trying to grab the check, but Sara snatched it from im and paid the bill at Greg's protest.

"How about we drive you?" Greg said, "We are closer to your house than the lab right now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah in the morning traffic it'll be an hour to get back to the lab and than to your house."

"Thanks Greg." Sara said.

"Should someone warn Dr. Grissom?" Jade asked knowing she would want someone to warn her when her mother unexpectedly showed up to town.

* * *

When they reached Sara's house the first thing she did was ask Betty why she had not called and warned them she was coming. Someone could have picked her up at the airport.

Betty had signed back that no one had been answering her calls the past two days. She was worried about her son.

The anger on Betty's face was enough to stop Sara from further arguing with the woman on her sudden appearance. Sara replied to her "Grissom is fine. But he is not here."

Betty signed back to her, "Where is he?"

"At a friends."

"That Heather lady?"

"Yes." Sara said, "We fought."

"Will you two ever work it out?"

"We are trying." Sara signed back feeling a bit of comfort that even Betty seemed to be on their side despite the rocky beginning between the two women.

"You better." She said, "You make him happy."

"I try." Sara replied.

"Who are these people?" Betty asked indicating Greg and Jade.

"This is Greg. You meant him before."

"Yes the weird kid from your work."

"Yes. And this is Jade. She is Grissom's graduate student."

"He's not sleeping with her is he?" Betty asked.

"No. She was in town to give a talk as well." Sara answered. "Lets get you inside and settled."

"Hey Sara we are going to take off." Greg said waving to Grissom's mom. "I'll come by before shift to take you to get your car."

"Ok thanks Greg." Sara said, "Jade think about what we talked about."

"I will." Jade said noting Greg's confused face.

Sara moved into he house to help Betty get settled. Once Betty was settled into the guest bedroom Sara took to her phone to call Grissom.

"Hello?" Grissom answered sounding a bit annoyed.

"Griss it's Sara."

"Do you know where Greg is? He has not responded to me yet."

"He's with me right now." Sara said.

"Everything ok?" Grissom asked worried.

"Yeah everything is fine, well sort of." Sara said nervously looking at the closed bedroom door.

"What's wrong?"

"Your mom is in town."

"What?" Grissom said surprised.

"She flew in and did not tell anyone. The taxi driver called me to tell me she was waiting out front of the house."

"I'll get there as soon as I can."

"Ok." Sara replied.

Sara was not sure how to get Betty's attention when she was in a room behind a closed door. She tried knocking, and it seemed to work.

"Grissom is on his way over." Sara said and signed.

"Good. What happened to the wall?" Betty signed indicating the stains that had yet to be cleaned off the wall.

"An accident" Was all Sara signed back. "I am exhausted. Do you mind if I go to sleep?"

"Of course you just got off work. Gilbert will find his own way in I assume?"

"Yes I'll text him to tell him to come on in." Sara said trying to make her self scarce. It might make her a bad host, but she knew mother and son needed time to talk.

"Thank you." Betty signed back to her.

"If you need anything I am just down there."

* * *

At first Sara could not sleep. It felt weird to be laying in bed knowing Grissom was on his way over to talk to his mom. Should she be present, should she have stayed awake and been a better host? All of this started to run through her mind until she heard the front door open and then a few minutes later heard Grissom's voice as he was clearly talking and signing to his mother.

"I'm sorry mom." … "It has been a rough couple of days. I slept through most of them…." … "I said I was sorry." …. "I understand you were worried and upset." … "We are talking…She is a good person…No I am not sleeping with her…"

"She is good for me. I care about her and I know I screwed it up."

Those were just the bits that Sara could hear, and with the last line she found herself remembering a time when the two of them had been in the similar position. It was this memory that would eventually would shift her overactive brain into a restful state of sleep.

* * *

Sara arrived in front of his house, not sure what brought her there on that particular morning. He had left mad, pissed off to be correct. Sara had gone against his wishes, and walked into an interview of the suspects. Brass and Grissom had been at the guy for an hour trying to trip him up. They were not succeeding so Sara decided it was time for new tactics. She burst into the room and purposefully he pushed the guys buttons, trying to, and successfully getting a rise out of the suspect.

The suspect, who had not been handcuffed because at the time it was just a friendly conversation had tried to attack Sara. Grissom was faster, to everyone's surprised, the supervisor somehow managed to move fast enough putting himself between the suspect and Sara who the suspect had launched himself at in attempt to hurt her. The punch meant for Sara connect to Grissom, who returned it with a punch of his own. Grissom's punch had been much more successful, it knocked out the suspect. It had been the talk of the lab the rest of shift. No one, except maybe Brass and Catherine, knew Grissom had the strength or the know how to knock someone out. Let alone someone like the gangster he had easily taken on in defense of Sara.

It was when Sara thanked him, and Grissom responded with a lecture on how she should never have been in the room that the bad mood Grissom had been in turned into an even worse mood. Sara pushed his buttons, she knew she had, but she was upset that he was giving her the run around again. What started out as a conversation where she only meant to thank him, ended in a screaming match, that could have gotten both of them suspended if it were not for the fact that no one had been around to hear it out in the car park.

Hours later, Sara knew she owed Grissom an apology and since the supervisor had the next two days off, she decided it best to show up at his house and apologize in person. Now outside ready to knock on the door she could hear the loud music coming from the other side. The voices that followed had surprised her, as much as the loud music. She had expected Grissom to be alone, but she heard another voice inside. Knocking on the door, she waited for someone to answer.

**I am covered in skin**

**No one gets to come in**

**Pull me out from inside**

**I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding **

**I am colorblind **

"Someone is at the door Gil." Brass yelled to his friend from where he sat on the couch, much closer to the door but not in any shape to actually make the walk.

Grissom looked at his friend, "What you couldn't get up?"

"Not my place." Brass said stretching out on the couch taking a long drink from his bottle of beer.

Grissom opened the door and almost jumped in shock when he saw Sara standing there. He actually expected it to be one of his neighbors there to complain about the music or really anyone but Sara.

"Hello." Sara said seeing the shocked look on Grissom's face.

"Who is it?" Brass asked, "Tell them the cops are already here so no need to call to complain."

"Not the neighbor." Grissom said moving back to allow Sara in.

"Well than who the hell is it.?" Brass got up looking to see who was at the door. "Oh."

"Hello Jim." Sara said smiling at him.

"Sara want a beer?" Brass asked.

"No thanks. It's a bit early." Sara replied.

"Good because there is none left." Brass sat back down. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I would check on the boxer here." Sara said pointing at Grissom.

"He's fine." Brass said, "Alcohol dulls the pain."

"How much have you both had?" Sara asked seeing empty bottles littering the table.

"A lot." Brass replied yawning.

**Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am...fine  
I am... fine  
I am fine**

Grissom had yet to talk, he still stood at the door surprised that Sara was now standing in his house. He also felt a bit jealous at how easy Brass and Sara talk to each other. Why couldn't he talk to her like that?

"Glad you are here Sara." Jim said panting the couch for her to sit next to him. "Gil and I have been having a debate most of the night. And a third opinion would settle it."

"What is the debate?" Sara said walking into the house a bit more.

"Counting Crows, good or bad?"

"Decent?" Sara said, "Early stuff was good, but more recently not so great."

"That is not helpful." Jim said with a sloppy smile on his face.

"Her opinion shouldn't matter. She was what like four when their first album came out?" Grissom said moving into the house and joining the conversation.

"I was old enough to remember." Sara said, "Who's CD is this anyways?"

Jim gave her a look, "Gil's definitely. I have better taste in music."

"They are a good group." Grissom said supporting his music choice. "At least when they were still the original group."

Sara laughed out loud, she couldn't help herself.

"What?" Jim asked seeing Sara laughing hysterically next to him.

"Beside the depressing music you two are listening to. I just never pegged Grissom as a music fan."

"Oh he clearly isn't." Jim said getting up to turn the music down and try to change it. "Anyone who likes Adam Duritz whinny voice does not like music."

"Not true." Grissom said, "He is a good song writer. I am sorry I like my music a bit more intelligent and a bit less my wife left me, the dog died, and my truck broke down."

"I don't just like country." Brass said turning the music down and changing it to a Johnny Cash CD. Something anybody would agree was worth listening too.

"He is right though." Sara said looking at Brass.

"About what?"

"The band can write a song."

"You are just taking his side because…" Jim stopped himself from saying the last few words. "Wait aren't you two supposed to be fighting?"

"We had some words." Sara said, "that is why I am here."

"Come to kiss and make up?" Brass asked.

"Not the kissing part." Sara said, but honestly she had wished it would have been the kissing part too.

"I think I need to go pass out." Jim said leaning against the cabinet that held the stereo.

"Let me help you." Grissom said the more sober of the two men.

"I can do it myself." Jim said making his way to the stairs. He slowly made his way up and the next sound heard in the awkward silence was the sound of Jim dropping into the bed.

"Sorry about the mess." Grissom said after hearing his friend made it to the room. He quickly moved to pick up the bottles, "Jim came over after to blow some steam off."

"It's fine." Sara said helping Grissom pick up some of the bottles. "We all had a tough night."

"Yeah." Grissom said not sure what else to say.

"I came to say I was sorry for screaming at you." Sara continued to speak, "I was looking for a fight when I went into that room, and you got hurt in the process. Afterwards I was looking for another fight, and you always seem to be the best candidate for a fight."

"I know." Grissom said sitting down at the kitchen bar.

Sara noticed he looked exhausted, but somehow he still looked relaxed. He was out of his work clothes and into a comfortable pair of jeans and a t-shirt. "Is Brass going to be ok?"

"Yeah he'll wake up in a few hours and find his way home." Grissom said. Brass had been a common visitor ever since he moved back to the homicide unit. The two had always been friends, but now that Brass was not Grissom's boss it was an easier friendship.

"How about you? How is your hand?" Sara said grabbing for his hand to look at it.

"It'll be fine. Nothing is broken." Grissom said.

"Good. I never thanked you." She said moving her hand that had been holding his hand to Grissoms face to check on the bruise that had formed. "How about this?"

"A little tender especially when someone pushes on it." Grissom said surrpsied that he had not pulled back from her touch. Her smooth fingers felt nice against his face.

"Did you put ice on it?" She asked noting that he was not pulling away from her as she inspected the injury.

"I held a beer against it."

"Same difference?"

"Sort of." Grissom said sighing. He liked the position they were in. He could smell her lavender shampoo and before he knew what he was doing his hand was running through her hair. He had always wondered if it was as silky as it looked, and it was.

Sara was surprised when Grissom's hand ran through her hair and than gently down her chin. She did not back away, but the sirens were going off in her head. Would this be like before? They would have a fling, and it would end. Saying goodbye last time had hurt, more than she was willing to admit. His actions towards her since she had been in Vegas had been a caution to her. Would he turn into the cold bastard again tomorrow.

"Can I get a do over?" Grissom asked.

"What do you mean?" Sara asked needing to hear him say it.

"Can we start over, forget about everything I have done. Maybe start with a proper date? And move from there."

"Are you sure this is not the alcohol talking?"

"Part alcohol" He answered truthfully, he could see the pain in her eyes when he said it. "But it is the only because it is giving me the courage to ask. The clarity of mind to know what I want and go for it."

"I thought I was not worth it." She said.

It had surprised Grissom, "You heard what I had said to Lurie?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry. I was a chicken, still am. You scare the hell out of me. " Grissom said.

"Why?" Sara replied moving closer to him. Her hands on his chest now.

"You are a glimpse of a life I never thought I could have. A life I had abandoned. " He answered honestly, she deserved it after all. "I was not sure I could ever love again. That I can give myself to someone completely and survive it when all goes wrong."

"What makes you think it would all go wrong?" Sara asked seeing pain in his blues eyes, a pain she could not quite understand.

"It always does." He said, "You will find someone better. Someone who can make you their everything."

"Someone my age?" She asked.

"That too."

"Grissom you have been the only man I have ever truly cared about." She wanted to say love, but she knew it was too soon. "All I have ever asked is a chance to love you."

"I know." He said letting her wrap her arms around him. It felt odd to be hugged, it had always made him uncomfortable, but this felt comfortable.

"We can take it slow." She said, "If you are serious about this."

"I am." He returned her hug, she felt warm in his arms.

Sara wanted to say, you say that now, but what about when you wake up later.

"I'm tired." He said softly kissing the top of her head.

"Than I better go."

"I was actually wondering if you wanted to go to sleep…" He looked embarrassed now, "in my bed."

Sara smiled, it was a huge step maybe too fast, "I thought we were going to take things slowly."

"Clothes on." He said, "Or I can give you some clothes to wear."

"What about Jim?"

"Like I said he'll wake up in a bit and leave."

Sara was not sure, this was too much too soon. Part of her was still sure it was the alcohol talking.

"Please. " Grissom said, "I don't want to sleep alone." He continued, "I have wanted you in my bed for a long time. I just couldn't man up. I was afraid, and I know I've hurt you. So I have no right to expect you to return…."

"Look who is over talking now." Sara said laughing because she had done the same to him on many occasions. "Fine. But I'm telling you Griss if you wake up and regret all of this and take it back I'm going to kick your ass."

"I won't." He said trying to convince himself too.


End file.
